Today i got caught driving with amphetamines in my system i took the drugs the day before driving and thought it would have cleared from my system.
Back story, many, many years ago i was an addict, I used up to 5 times a week. I somehow gathered the strength to get clean without rehab.
In the past 5-6 weeks i have used 4 times. Im completely and utterly disgusted in myself. In the past couple of years ive had some soul crushing situations that have basically been out of my control. And ive fought and clawed my way to a desirable outcome because of my good choices.
I never drink drive, speed or take risks on the road, i really did think i would be fine to drive.
A month ago i found out my ex partner watched pornographic material with my young child, i cannot prove this but i know it happened. What was described to me could in no way be made up.
Since this im not coping, i visualise him hurting her, grooming her. I go back over every memory of his actions, how he interacted with her, anything that could be deemed as suspicious. She clams up and will not talk to me about any of it and im very aware that i need to be careful about what i ask as to not lead her or plant information in her little head.
I don't feel as though i can talk to anyone close to me about how im not sleeping, my anxiety is spiked to a level i didnt know existed, i cannot switch my head off, it makes me cry all the time. Because i have depression i tend to hide any major things as i cant handle the well meaning people putting their thoughts into my already busy head.
I know enough as a survivor of abuse that im sub conciously using drugs again as a coping mechanism because my head needs a stress outlet to assist me with coping. Im also not niaeve enough to not be aware that the drugs will only add to stress and make me more anxious. Thats why i believe im self sabotaging, because im generally someone who makes good choices, i thought drug urges were many years behind me
This positive drug test has rocked my world, i cant stop shaking. All my hard work and studies could go out the door, but my biggest fear is if this could end up with child protection and i risk interventions with my kids, i dont need this, im generally a high functioning anxiety and depression sufferer. I have no other substance issues and my kids are great....so great.
I know this is the kick in the ass wake up call that i needed but i need support. I have so far called 4 numbers that i googled. One drug support told me that they do not service the state i live in, the second asked me to call back at 9am for an intake interview, the third sounded distracted like they were texting or doing something else whilst on the phone and the 4th a lovely lady tried to convert me to Buddhism. All i could think was most drug addicts would find this too much effort and give up asking for help.
I wont give up asking for support, but should it really be this hard to find a drug and alcohol support line that can wholeheartedly listen to me? Give me resources and assist me to implement coping strategies so i never do anything this god damn stupid again.
As i write this i have tears streaming, im gutted that i did this, gutted local police will look at me as a junkie, gutted i let my kids down. Please no harsh judgment, trust me im beating the shit out of myself already. I know im lucky to not have hurt someone, i am thankful for that. But please only helpful comments, i dont think im strong enough to be slammed by a heap of people.
Im not suicidal but i am at the end of my rope, im ready to change my life.
Thank you for reading.
5 Replies
Well done for reaching out. Do you have a paper copy of the yellow or white pages nearby? They used to have phone numbers in the front of them. I remember helping a friend looking them up a few years ago.
Definitely give the one that told you to ring back at 9am. I know it's frustrating but that's standard procedure to make sure you really want it.
You could also try an appointment with your GP they can also refer to services. You might find a private psychologist who specialises in drug abuse very helpful and that can be covered under a mental health care plan.
I haven't got any advice on helplines or resources to use but I just wanted to say I am proud. It's so hard to admit something such as this. And although you're anonymous, it's still a huge thing to write it all down and have it in front of you.
I believe in you. And send you all the love and positive vibes
Could you go to a NA meeting?
Well done that you have gotten the courage to speak up and seek help! It takes a lot of will to be able to do that.
Just checking, are you seeking help for your child who was sexually abused? This would be my first and foremost for me - she needs to see a professional who can help her through what she was exposed to.
Do you have some family or friends that you can reach out to for extra support? I know you would already be aware of this, but drug abuse is not something your children need to be exposed to. If you are using whilst they're in your care that is really dangerous - what you think happens when high may be totally different because of your loss of senses. Can you open up to someone and ask them for some support and help with the kids, if need be? Somewhere they can stay?
It sounds like your situation is only temporary and you are going to get through this! Well done mummy for taking the first step, onwards & upwards!
Good on you for reaching out for help. You successfully kicked drugs for so long, don't let this relapse be your spiral back into the drug world. Your kid needs your full alert attention and support, be strong and remember that. You know the drugs are gunna make everything worse in the long run. You should call your local hospital they should be able to put you in touch with a councillor or maybe try the Salvos?