I have been seeing this guy for a little while now but im cautious about the/our future.
Bit of background;
He's a few years older than I am, he's ex-army and was posted into an active war zone for a year came home and discharged, never sort professional help (apart from the mandatory counseling for discharge purposes) and has been using alcohol and pot to self medicate & comes from a very broken home. Both parents have remarried however his step mum is a piece of work.
I met him post army.
I work fulltime plus overtime every week and he works casually, he has a tendency to throw things (like jobs) away impulsively because he gets over it or disagrees with how things are done.
He's very rarely interested in doing anything that involves leaving the house and dealing with people.
He's recently begun talking about maybe one day getting married and having kids; whenever he's brought up the idea he's always said that it would have to be me doing the asking. I don't have an issue with girls asking guys but I've always dreamed of being the one proposed to, however he's adamant that he won't do it, I've told him how I feel about it but it always falls on deaf ears.
When the conversation comes to the having of said children he has also said that he wants to be the stay at home parent, which im not totally against apart from he's said he'd want me to go back to work a few days to a week later so we don't lose out on money since "I'm the bread winner" (his words)
I'm a bit hesitant about how it would work, he's not the most reliable person.
I've told him if kids are a possibility he'd have to stop taking drugs and limit his alcohol intake (currently drinks about a carton if not more a week)
He's like a giant teddy bear, He's never aggressive but can get angry easily.
Has anyone else been in or currently in a situation similar?
I'm really not sure about the whole thing
Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
8 Replies
My sister has been in this situation. No it can not work as it stands now. You need to be extremely careful.
Don't be that person who is writing in here because you have three kids and he hasn't stopped drinking and smoking pot yet. If he hasn't stopped before you get pregnant the chances are he won't. He might say he will and promise etc but unless he stops before I wouldn't trust at all that he will stop after.
He needs proper, proper psychological help in order to get his life on track. That has to become before he gets married and before you get pregnant. Unfortunately the chances of him having undiagnosed and untreated PTSD is high and without treatment these guys don't get better and they are very very resistant to pressure. It leaves them struggling with stressful life events and holding down full time work.
These guys deserve a chance but in order to take that chance they have to be doing the right things other wise it's a disaster. My sister is picking up the pieces now after her guy did a runner after two years. He'd told her it was happily ever after but he continuously refused to get treatment, drank far too much and finally had a breakdown that caused him to run away and never come back again.
All that aside, you have to believe a guy when he tells you who he is and what his belief system is. So no, he won't propose to you and if he did propose to you, you should say no, because he isn't ready for marriage.
Lots of red flags here. If it were me I would not be continuing the relationship
You need to take him for who his is. He probably won't stop taking drugs or limit his alcohol just because kids come along. But that doesn't mean he won't be a great father.
My husband and I have been together for almost 20yrs. He still uses occasionally and is an amazing father to our 5yr old. Holds a steady job and yes I had to propose to him. So what?
You need to decide what you'd be happy with. If you don't mind being the breadwinner, doing the proposing and letting him be who he is, it could be something great.
If you have expectations for him to change it won't work out well. No-one really changes much and certainly not because others want them to. It always has to come from within.
Best of luck xx
Things will only get worse. Sorry but unless he seeks help and works damn hard on all his issues, there is nothing you can do to prevent his downwards spiral. He sounds to be unreasonable and possibly irrational in his thinking already.
Not your job to fix him. So many commenters telling you to do this or do that for him, um no,he's an adult, it's up to him, and you support him in his journey (if you choose to stay cos it won't be easy). Please don't compromise on all the things you want in a partner
Women think men will change but generally they don't. He's not ready to be in a committed relationship let alone a marriage with children involved. If you find the unstable jobs, pot and alcohol annoying now you will hate him for it when you have kids. You need steady income, a reliable partner a drugged up or drunk/hungover person is not going be taking the best care of your child and they are hard work especially in the first few years.
Yes it sounds like he's been through a lot but unless he works through it, gets help is clean for at least a year, no he would not be a good Dad or partner. Harsh maybe, but true.
From someone who has a husband who is ex army. Has had a terribly upbringing to boot. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much. But that is because of all the hard work I've gone through with him. He has and to this day (he's been out for 15+ years and I've been with him 12) refused therapy and medication. He is depressed, angry and I'm pretty sure suffers from ptsd. If I had known when I started seeing him what I know now. I don't think I would've stayed. It's hard work and I'm scared every day that he'll snap and loose it at me or the kids. When things are goood they are great. But when they're bad it's terrible. I wish he would get help and would never leave him. But I do wonder what if...
Check this page out Hun
https://www.facebook.com/survivetothrivenation/
I'm in a similar situation and I know your guy has PTSD. It will only get worse. He needs to seek treatment. There is nothing you can do to help him, he must admit it himself and go seek help himself. Unfortunately thee is stigma around it so often these guys won't do it. As the years go by he will get worse and symptoms will progress. You will be swallowed up in it all. I'm sorry of this sounds harsh but it is a fact and a reality you need to be made aware of. Please look at a page on Facebook run by an ex vet. He has been there and created a program for guys like yours. Please get in touch with him.
https://www.facebook.com/survivetothrivenation/
Look him up and good luck. It's such a gut wrenching thing to see someone you love go through this and you cannot do it alone. X