Please no negative comments as I am feeling really low about this as it is -
My son is nearly 2 and for the last 6 months or so has been hitting/pulling hair/throwing toys and hitting with toys. My girl is 4 and she never went through this and she is now getting scared of him when he runs towards her..
He's not doing out of self defense, it's not provoked - just happens when he plays generally and he doesn't discriminate with age, older and younger kids. He attends childcare 1 day a week where they sometimes say he was a bit rough and they just divert him. Everyone that I have spoken to about this has said it's a phase and he'll grow out of it but it's really getting me and today I had a meltdown in front of my daughter coz I just feel hopeless. What can I do?? Is there any professionals I can see that would help? We have tried smacking on the bottom (please no judgement) but it doesn't affect him and I thought it would confuse him coz why am I allowed to smack but he isn't. So smacking is a no go and he just doesn't understand timeout and keeps getting out no matter how many times I put him back. Lately I've been putting him in his cot for a couple of minutes and also saying no hitting sternly. I really don't no what to do anymore, I feel like I'm raising a bully.
Hitting
Hitting
Posted in:
Baby & Toddler
15 Replies
You are NOT raising a bully. Lots of kids go through this phase, especially when there verbal skills haven't fully developed yet. It's frustrating annoying and usually passes with some strategies. It's very frustrating and annoying.
I agree with you in regards to smacking. How can we say no smacking while smacking? And yeah one year olds don't understand timeout.
With any child there can be triggers, they can be hard to see and observe and it can take a while to identify. Some of the triggers I've noticed in other children are 1. Perceives Another child going for a favourite toy (even if they aren't actually playing with that toy and it wasn't a favourite yesterday😂), 2. Other children getting too close, 3. Other children making sounds, 4. They did it once in anger and realised the reaction was entertaining so now the child Does it to get the reaction.
Number 4 is HUGELY common. So look at your reactions because any reaction is a good reaction to a lot of babies and toddlers. Personally I'd consider a safe space at home like a baby gated area or play pen. So your 4 year old can get some playtime in peace. I'd also do what child care does and divert as much as possible.
You could get a child psychologist to work with you. They won't work with your child but they will teach you how to divert the behaviour.
I found wearing hair up consistently really cuts down on hair pulling. Also with the biting picking them up with there mouth faced away from you (there back to your front) cuts down on opportunities. Make sure excess toys are packed away for awhile so there are less available projectiles. Perhaps encourage more soft toy play as it's hard to hurt someone or get a reaction from having a soft toy hurled at you.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and with such supportive comments aswell. He's mainly pulling his sisters hair so will be putting it up from now on. I don't believe he does any of it out of anger but more as a way of playing. We have also changed my daughters door handle around so he can't open it so she can retreat in her room, I just wish they could play together nicely coz half the time they have lots of fun together but it always ends badly.
You could also try some set play time, where you shadow your two year old very closely. As soon as you see the undesired behaviour you block it and model what to do instead.
You sound like such an amazing mum wow it can be a phase I had the same as you with my child... he too grew out of it and is the most gorgeous little man.I had those meltdowns and those episodes of smacking and regretting it .. One day I just said no he will.not learn from it ..
What I did was just kneel down to his level.and as nice as I could it took thousands of time just quietly told him that he was making a bad choice and that it was not acceptable and I left it at that .. punishment did not work it was resilance and as hard as that is for you if you maintain it he will learn .. he is doo young though so it will be a long road .. you got this we must always remember that even in the most trying situations these little people are new to the world and we are their teachers just show him with love on his level.and he will eventually learn your doing great you have this good luck x
Aww thank you, I certainly don't feel like an amazing mum today - I feel like a failure and that my kids deserve better.
Thanks for your encouraging words x
Yes its normal, mine is doing it too, followed by a nice cuddle, but getting her understand the cuddle doesnt make the hitting ok!!
You need to correct and model, sternly say no, then say we like gentle, and show him gentle hands, and praise.
While that young, anything that gets a reaction is gold for them, doesnt matter if its a good or bad one, and unfortunately, hitting a sibling gets a big one! so basically nothing for hitting, huge reaction for gentle hands, lots of claps and shouts and laughs and teach sibling to do that too.
We don't generally get nice cuddles around here before it leads to some sort of hurting :(
Yeah I can definitely understand the reaction thing but when he hits other children I've got to react to show the parents that I actually care and trying to do something with my child. I have had a big chat to my 4 year old about not hitting back and going into her room if she needs time away from him so hopefully that will help.
No you really don't have to react to prove anything to others. Just parent your child, never midn what anyone else might think. If I was you in that situation, I would pick him up and move him away with a firm no and no other reaction, then gentle hands and start playing again, and apologise to the child as you do or go back after.
Just keep role modelling and he will get there, but it takes time.
This is such a hard age! They don't really respond to discipline because they just don't understand. It's nothing you're doing wrong and it is a fairly normal developmental stage (as frustrating as it is!).
What I found to be helpful is to not react to the hitting, don't react with an "ouch" , in anger or a laugh etc. (I know, much easier said than done) because when you react it becomes a game.
When mine would hit, I would hold their arms down firmly (not enough to hurt them, obviously, but enough so they couldn't move them) and say very sternly "NO" with a cross face and then return to whatever I was doing. Keep repeating this every time he hits, consistency is key!
You will probably feel like you're having no effect but he will get it eventually, they say at around 12 to 18 months they really start to understand the concept of 'no'. So hopefully as his communication skills increase the hitting will subside.
Keep up the good work Mama 😘
Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if you saw my update but I made a mistake with his age, he's actually nearly 2. I will try your suggestions and pray something gives
I did see your update, I reckon this strategy would be even more effective given his age of nearly 2, that would suggest he has at least some understanding of the term no.
I think whatever method you choose to go with, like I mentioned earlier- consistency is key! If there is the same action or consequence each time he hits, he will learn that hitting is not OK!
You're doing a great job and if you feel after your best efforts to curb this behavior have not succeeded, there are lots of professional services that will be able to help you!
Best of luck xx
Thanks for all your replies. I made a mistake, he is nearly 2.
Even at two I think the advice remains the same, it just hurts more when they make contact 😂
Yep!
Same principles apply, it's just one of those arduous processes. He will get it in time!
It is in no way a reflection of your parenting, it's just how he copes at the moment. At 2 they are experiencing so many new emotions and it's hard for some little people to deal with.
I posted above that my 2 year old does the same. Just popped back to report that today she has stopped!! I have told her no hitting, if you dont like something you say NO! (this was the problem - she didnt like soemthing, and she understands and can say no) so we practiced and practiced and its clicked. She doesnt hit she says no. Actually she shouts it very firmly.
And Shes already moved on and started spitting....