My 5yo girl has a best mate( my godson)
A 7yo boy.. lately( 12 months) he has become rude and very hateful towards her.
She loves him and tries so hard to please him, but always gets " I'm not you're friend" "you are so annoying" " I don't even like you"
I have explained that's not ok for him to say these things but he honestly can't be nice to her.
She wrote him a letter the other day ( asking for advice from him how to spell words, he called her dumb!)
The letter said.." we are best friend forever "she gave it to him and he said " I don't even like you, go away!" This was while they were at our house drawing..
The letter is now bluetacked above her bed because she was so proud of her wrighting. And because it's about her and her best mate.
Anyway I'm sick of his behaviour, I'm sick of the fact his mum lets him do it! I have tried to talk to her about it even though we have both seen it happen.
I'm questioning our friendship and I'm worried about the fact my girl is trying so hard!
You shouldn't have to try so hard with friends! Right?
And I'm sick of standing up for my girl when all I get is " they are kids" or " well you only have one I have 3!"
Or
"Well she deserved it, she was being annoying!"
It's not alright! It's not ok!
She was being nice your kid is being a poo face!
It's like this every time we see them..
I guess I'm asking for validation to cut this 15yo friendship off.
Not only is it stressful for me to watch but I don't want to be near any of them when they can treat people like that. Even if it is my ( spoilt!) kid!!
I guess I feel my girl is being bullied?
I'm being bullied when I bring it up! I'm scared to cause drama and I'm letting my baby down!
I think I'm done!
Please tell me it's ok to be done..?
11 Replies
Ummm no it's not ok to encourage or buy into the belief that a 7 year old who doesn't like your daughter is her best friend. Her best friend should be a child her own age, who likes her.
You can't make a child like your daughter and you shouldn't force the relationship. You shouldn't encourage your daughter in any way shape or form to believe this boy is her friend. He is not. He is your godson, he is 7 and unlikely to ever believe your 5 year old daughter is his best mate.
A friendship has to be a two way relationship. You both have to feel the same way and you both have to want to be friends. That doesn't mean he has to be rude to your daughter or mean.
You don't have to cut contact with your god son and your adult friendship with his parents. But you can stop forcing a friendship between the children. It would be much healthier to encourage your daughter to make new friends and teach her that when someone doesn't like her, she should find a new person to play with rather than force a relationship. Not every child will like your child. Teach your daughter that she is wonderful and that if someone doesn't like her she should find someone who does. If your daughter calls this boy her 'best mate' question her on why she thinks that. Teach her about healthy friendships.
Great advice. Just wanted to add that the little boy is absolutely entitled to feel annoyed or dislike her child although his mum should maybe teach him more diplomatic ways of handling it ...heck she may already be doing this in private...but being 7 he may not be taking this on board.
All the Op can control is what she says to her daughter!
No its not ok, but you dont have to cut the friendship off. You step back. I would tell the girl that its not nice when we try and someones mean to us is it, thats not what friends do and she can find other friends that do make her feel nice. Explain that its sad when youre best friends, but if it doesnt feel nice then its time to stop giving. Its really hard with kids theyre so full of kindness and even if you barely see him she will probably remmeber him as her bff, but you can move on or set new boundaries. I woulsnt have a problem telling the child or the mum that she feels sad when they play together and he days mean things, thats not ok. I also wouldnt lose my friendship over it, but distance for awhile.
Just because the mum is your friend, does not mean your offspring also become "best friends". He's a lot older than her and much more advanced, he's at school with children his age and she probably lS annoying him. You can't force them to be friends and he is clearly telling you guys that he doesn't want to be friends with her right now. I think that needs to be respected.
I don't agree on the mother's handling of it though because that behaviour is hurtful to your daughter obviously, but maybe you need to keep distance between the two or find a best friend her age :)
No it's absolutely not OK, however I do understand the boys frustration of having a friendship forced upon him.
Have you had an open chat with your friend? You'll never resolve an issue by avoiding it.
Maybe try bringing it up in a non accusatory way, for example "I've noticed the kids aren't getting along too well lately, maybe we should talk to them".
Or maybe if you see him tell your daughter to go away you could use this moment to teach him by saying "maybe you could say you dont want to play right now, saying go away hurts peoples feelings". You also need to teach your daughter, if he says he doesn't want to play, she needs to accept that and go do her own thing.
It does sound like your friendship has some more serious problems if you're wanting to completely walk away over this issue, I mean this I feel is something that can be resolved fairly easily with a bit of behavior adjustment from both sides!
My son was like your God son towards his little cousin. She is an only child and expected my kids to play whatever she wanted them to, and most of the time this was stuff they are not interested in, like dolls or pretend play, but they did it anyway to keep her amused or she would run back to her mum with real tears because my kids wouldn't play with her. My youngest copped it quite badly from her. He eventually got sick of it and reacted the same way your God son does.
Your daughter isn't being bullied. Change the ages of the children to adult ages. Your daughter is 25 and insists that the guy she likes will be with her forever and ever etc when he has told her he is not interested at all. UMM that isn't healthy. Your daughter is not a victim.
Comparing childrens relationships with adult ones is ludicrous! Adults social skills are a fair bit more sophisticated than those of kids. They are only little and they're both still learning about communication and socializing. Miss 5 needs to learn about healthy friendships and Mr 7 needs to learn how to express himself more kindly, both very common issues with kids of this age! It doesn't mean Miss 5 will grow up to be one of those 'clingy' girls or that Mr 7 will grow up to be someone to steer clear of!
Yes it is kind of ludicrous and the kids are still learning, of course. But where do you think we learn about healthy adult relationships from? When we are encouraged to chase friendships as children, when do we unlearn that habit? So it's up to the parents to start teaching her how to have healthy friendships now.
Why is she trying so hard to please him? I get that it feels like an attack on you. Your daughter is being rejected. You feel rejected. So many of our own insecurities rear their ugly heads when we have kids. Also, the differences in parenting amongst friends and family can be extra challenging too.
You are responsible for you and your daughter in this scenario. Do some research in regard to effective communication and confidence building.
You can't change anyone else's behaviour, but you can change how you respond to it. If you drop this friendship over this, the same lesson will keep reappearing all throughout your life until you deal with it
I'm sorry but no friendship is worth that. He obviously needs to get some sort of help outside of the home for whatever is causing his horrible behaviour, if his mum doesn't care. It may be worth you chatting to him on his own (if you can) before ending the "friendship", to see if you can steer him in the right direction e.g. a school counsellor.
Your little girl has a beautiful heart. Surround yourselves with positive people who are the same, before she ends up like him. He's not someone she should keep looking up to for friendship, support and guidance. This is not something you want her to grow up thinking is acceptable; that it's okay for her to be treated like that.
Be strong! Don't be bullied!! Your mental health and that of your daughters is of utmost importance. As her mum and guardian, it is important that you make decisions that are in the best interests of both of you first and foremost.
It's sad, but ultimately you can find better friends than this.