Today is the worst day ive ever had a s a mum. today my husband has taken my son to the police station. My son can be violent. He hits kicks and shoves. He does it when he doesnt get his own way. Today its because i told gim to clean his room he wanted food. I said not until his room was clean then he could have lunch. He hit me bacause i wasnt letting him eat junk food. I had offered him a sandwich. I left my sons father because of DV. My son is 4. What on earth am i doing wrong.
22 Replies
Oh i thought you were talking about a much older child. I hope youre ok, hes still very very young theres not much detail in your post, so i will ask are you sure your expectations of him are realistic? My personal view is taking a four year old to police is not right, i realise youre desperate but he is still a baby and already been through trauma, he needs extra love. I will suggest that you should be handling discipline as your partner is not his dad and there is such a history. I would also suggest you get get professional help, this child and yourself have been through dv you both need support.
Good news is he is 4 and not 16. Yes it's tough but you can't use the police as your parenting technique.
It's time to get proper help. I used to work with kids who were violent at this age and good news is there is help out there if you seek it. The kids who get help do really well. The police won't help long term. At some point the police will stop being scary.
It's time for proper, proper help.
So Monday you need to make an appointment with your GP. You need referrals to a peadiatrician and child psychologist.
They will help you sort out if this is part of coming from a DV background or underlying disorder that's been missed etc. they can give you parenting techniques etc.
Many kids at this age are prone to violence when they don't get there way but it still needs to be corrected.
It also sounds like you could do with talking to a psychologist yourself. Sometimes when we have come from a DV background our kids behaviour can be triggering.
You let your partner (who I assume is not his dad) take your four year old that has been subjected to DV to the police station? Stop letting men be the controllers, it is time for YOU to step up, undo the bad stuff you contributed to and get your son the real help he needs. How is one visit to the police station going to help? He needs to be taught strategies and alternatives to deal with his emotions and he needs you to implement it, not another man.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough day but I'm really struggling to find the reasoning why you got your husband to take him to the police??
This sounds like pretty common behavior of a 4 year old who rules the roost.
He needs consistency, consequences for wrong behavior, you need to guide and teach him what good behavior is. It sounds like you both need some professional help. He's been exposed to DV, lashing out & aggression when things aren't going the way he'd like is all he knows. I would suggest some counselling for you both & look into some parenting programs.
He's only 4 (that is a challenging age anyway) but with help you can start making positive changes.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this but....he is 4. Police is there to help us, not frighten children. They would much rather kids be taught that they will help them when in need rather than that they will be taken to a police station if they are naughty.
You and your son need serious help. Get to a GP and get services on board to help you and your little one cope.
I won't lie, there will be worse at some stage. It's how you handle them that defines whether or not those bad days were worth it in the end.
First, I agree with the others. He's 4, don't make him hate or fear the police. One day he may need them, you want him to feel safe approaching them when he's in need.
Second, I agree with the first commenter. He's 4 so make sure your expectations match what a 4 year old is actually capable of. A "you have 30 minutes to put your toys away" or "I want you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry before lunch" is a lot more doable to a 4 year old than an ambiguous "clean your room". I'm 40 and still don't know where to start most weeks.
Third, there's another comment about you taking care of discipline. THIS, 100% THIS. What will happen if you continue to make others, especially men, responsible for discipline and consequences is that you hand over all of his respect to others. Worse, you hand over your self respect to others, because it's like you don't trust yourself to be able to do it. Worst is that you teach him to if not openly disrespect, at least not respect all other women because in his world the men are the ones in charge. In the real world that ain't the truth anymore. He'll have female teachers, principals, eventually potentially a female boss.
Use the services at your disposal to get through this, and bear in mind it will be 95% what you need to do not him because he's just doing what he knows, and while you're at it check out the Triple P parenting program if you haven't done it yet. It's a great program that helps with all sorts of aspects of parenting. I found it particularly helpful with parenting strategies for our ODD son but it has many useful applications.
I believe the only thing you're doing wrong is making a 4 year old scared of police. Shouldn't us as parents be trying to teach our children if they ever need help or need a safe place that the police station or police officers are the people they need to see? Not scare the crap out of them by taking them to the police over a normal tantrum that happens quite often.
My son is now 5 and still has these tantrums, he has never hurt another child, but if he's tired, cranky and decides he's gonna have a tantrum, I as his mother am the first one to cop it. I would never dream of taking him to the police station for it, because I have taught him they are there to protect him. What I do is get down to his level, so I am not talking to down to him and explain what he has done wrong, how we can handle it together and what we will do next time it happens. So hey, he chucks a tantrum and I get punched, kicked and screamed at, I get down on my knees and tell him "you hurt mummy by slapping her/punching her/kicking her, would you like it if mummy lost her temped and smacked you?" And 9 times out of 10 his reply is "no, I'm sorry mummy" and then we cuddle for 5 or 10 minutes and then we do what needs to be done together.
At the end of the day, a 4 year old is trying to learn how to handle their emotions, throwing them to the police will not help that.
Hell, I am 23 and I lose my cool and want to scream and punch things at times, do i do it? No, did I use to do that? Yes!!
Love this. I really think this is the point where you need to love him harder. This is where he will push and if you treat him as a bad kid he will feel like a bad kid - the worst kid because he had to go to the police, thats massive to a preschooler. Hes going to be believing hes done something terrible, he is terrible, worse than any other child. Its hard but when theyre really bad, that when you need to love them and i mean really reach deep, put your own emotional reactions away and find your calm, show him kindness and love and respect and tolerance and when the storms passed, gentle teaching, teach them they are a good kid. Teach them good choices. Understand a four year old has very little self control and regulation when big emotions hit. Look at yourself as an adult and how we act when we get to the end of our patience with the kids. Then realise how enormous what youre asking him to do it.
I'm guessing this is your only child. He is 4...this is pretty normal behaviour and certainly not something you should have taken him to the police for!
I really feel you have over reacted in this circumstance. His behaviour is age appropriate. You don't take a 4 year old to the police station. 14 maybe but not 4.
Why is your partner being the disciplinarian? He may be the step dad but this is a 2 person job. Time out, a naughty chair, a firm voice, a quick sharp smack on the butt with the palm of your hand, put them into their room and close the door and hold it closed until they calm down.
Gees when my 4 year old get tired she empties her draws and pulls her bed apart, clears tables with her hands, smacks me or tries to lash out none of them warrant the police station and I'm pregnant with my 4th and can no longer carry her.
You're also asking a lot of a 4 year old. Tell him what jobs to do and don't expect him to do it by himself he is only 4 and needs guaidance. Give him smaller instructions.
1. Put your toys away
2. Put your clothes in the basket
Etc but sending them in to clean their room as a whole without going in to assist him is just brutal for him little brain. Even at the age of 12 I still struggled to clean my room because my mum never taught me this. When I send my boys into their room I send them in there with instructions.
Ie pick up all the lego off of the floor and put it into the lego boxes
Pick up all the clothes and put them into the washing basket
Pick up all trains/tracks/cars and planes
Pick up all the toys from the blue toy box they're 10 and 8
Please google age appropriate jobs for 4 year olds and then do it with him in the future. We all want our kids to get independence but there are some things they cannot do independently.
It sounds like you're just no in tune with how children this age in general act.
Reading correctly, the story was that you asked your son to clean his room but he was hungry. You told him he could eat lunch after he had cleaned his room. He then wanted junk food but you offered a sandwich instead as a negotiation. He then hit you? In future, if he says he is hungry then maybe you could offer food and then do the chores. It sounds like it escalated because you first off didn't feed him and then when you negotiated he had already become frustrated and then wanted junk food (niggling anything as he was already worked up). Next time I'd offer to have lunch, then tell him that afterwards you and him can clean up his room together (it's too much to ask him to clean his room, that seems like a huge task to any kid!). Go in there and offer instructions and help out a little, as above - ask him to put his toys in X spot, put his PJs under his pillow etc.
Taking him to the police is a way too dramatic thing to do. He is 4 years old! Why don't you sit him down and tell him how it made you feel when he hit you or shoved you? It hurt you and it hurt your feelings. But don't get him all scared of authority. Try and incorporate some of your own discipline, in this instance you didn't even offer any wager such as "because you hit me you will be going into time out, when you are ready you can come and apologise". You need to tell him why you are disciplining him and what the consequence will be, and then what the resolution is (he goes to time out and apologises). Explain what the discipline will be the next time he behaves in such a way, such as a smack on the bottom (though if he hits you and you don't like it, try and lead by example so in this case it may not be worth smacking), taking away X toy for an amount of time, none of his fave treats for X time. And stick to it. There's nothing worse than telling him you will do something though and then not following through, so make sure you follow through.
My nanny kids were being exceptionally naughty, they had lolly bags from a party. They were constantly bickering over them and I warned them a few times that if they kept fighting over who ate which lollies, I'd eat the lollies myself. I was way too far in but followed through. They were mortified! No tears, nothing. They just stopped and had this shocked look on their faces. For the rest of the day it was bliss - no bickering! Next time they had a lolly bag around me there was not one bit of arguing and instead, they were happily sharing or trading lollies ;)
How can you not expect a child to smack you, if you smack them? Especially if they've experienced and/or witnessed DV?
I addressed that above.. "Explain what the discipline will be the next time he behaves in such a way, such as a smack on the bottom (though if he hits you and you don't like it, try and lead by example so in this case it may not be worth smacking)"
Stick to your guns. He is only 4. He probably has some big emotions that he can't control or there may be something else going on. Seek some professional help. Ask GP or CHN they should be able to point you in the right direction. We did a one on one parenting program. Something like that might be useful for you as they can personalise strategies. He may have been effected by the DV as well even if you left quiet early. I would advise against taking him to the police at 4. They can't do anything but have words, which might frighten him. He needs to see the police as a safe place if he is in trouble not somewhere to go if he is naughty. Pick your battles. Try a firm don't hit me, you'll have a time out. If he does it again. Put him in time out and walk away come back at 5 minutes of calm and tell him it's not ok to hit and next time you feel angry .......give me an alternative. If he gets up just keep putting him back. No matter how long it takes. But you need to take charge. I agree with the reply that you need to stop letting men take charge, your son may see that as you are beneath him. Step up and go get some professional help. You got this Mumma!
So the man who took him isn't even his father?
He is your child. You need to deal with this, not have the step father drag him off to the cops. That's not going to help their relationship now is it?!?!
My son had violent outbursts at that age, I never once thought to involve the police. He was later diagnosed with autism. But even before a diagnosis, I read lots of parenting books, I did workshops, I saw professionals. Get you and your child to a doctor, see a Paediatrician, a psychologist and learn how to parent this child in a gentle, consistent, loving way
Telling a child of 4 to clean their room is a big ask and a daunting task for him I am sure! My teenage girls (16&18) know how to clean their rooms, but only because they were taught how to do it by doing it with them when they were younger. A child of 4 needs guidance and more precise instructions if they are expected to do it on their own!
Taking him to the police station is a great way to make him afraid of the police and not good for his future.
Have you looked into his behaviour or taken him to see a doctor?
A parenting class for you and your husband/partner might be worthwhile as it sounds like you could use some guidance yourselves.
Hi IM,
You feel broken and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I hear you I could have written this post myself!
We had the same when our boy was 4. I will share some of my story to give you food for thought and not to tell you to look for a diagnosis.
So around 4 we had an issue with what we like to call the red zone, screaming, yelling, name calling, etc.
We finally got one daycare director who had taaken the time to informally assess him. Found out he could not process his emotions. We worked on this beteeen talking through the issue because once he would calm down he could see reason and the wrong in his actions.
I also sort help from a naturopath which we under went a diet change. This was working great however fast forward to prep and some other issues to started to occur at school. Finally we had the school help and with our permission allowed them to have him accessed by the OT. He has sensory processin disorder. One thing I have learnt is added to their chaos doesn't help and pushes him further into the red zone. As frustrated as I get I need to take that step back and calm myself before dealing with tge situation.
However it hasn't stopped there we have had a physiologist access him and we are off to the paed next month.
Our journey is far from over but i have had to put aside all my guilt of possibly making him this way and stand up to seek help for not only him but our entire family.
I guess what I am trying to say is monitor it, seek help outside the home if you need and hold your head high. This is a tough gig and i am sure it would be easier if they come with a manual 😘
My son is now 28 and emotionally stable, though not financially stable yet. He was sweet natured until sometime after 3 years old. Then it was like he was an alien. Oppositional/defiant behavior they called it and tried to say he was ADD/ADHD though I got conflicting opinions and no definitive diagnosis. I refused to medicate him. I tried every counseling possible.What I learned was.... Being a defiant parent or confrontational back at that age only reinforces such behavior. You can't argue nor can you reason with a 4 year old. I thought since we didn't go thru "terrible twos" this was my pay back. You must stand firm but gentle in your expectations of his behavior and the consequences for severe behavior. But not until I learned how to often ignore bad behavior if at all possible (pick your battles) and reward the good behavior did we have real progress. Rewarding each good action or positive behavior, no matter how insignificant will show a child what is expected of them. I would reward with non food items like he'd have a surprise bag he could pick an item out of. A mixture of dollar store figurines (dinosaurs were his favorite or bugs/snakes) a "free"pass for him to pick a movie on movie night, trip to the zoo. Children should be fed what we decide to feed them and at times be given the choice from a selection of our choosing. This gives them options and helps them feel responsible and in control when they feel anything but that. You'll go thru phases. Ups and downs. My son got better then regressed after Age 8 until he hit puberty and gained friends he trusted in school and then he stabilized. Stay strong, you'll get thru this. This reward system is part of what's called behavior modification, maybe search the internet for additional help or ideas. Best wishes to your family from the US.
Because police have nothing better to do than try to parent your FOUR year old for you. Christ.
Consider the foods that your child is eating. Naturally occurring chemicals in food can effect some children exactly as you've described.
I would urge you to look up an RPAH certified dietitian on the fedup website and get the ball rolling to remove those foods from his diet.
Your not doing anything wrong! Pretty common behaviour from a 4 year old. It doesn't mean he is going to grow up to be a abusive or violent person. Just keep persevering with age appropriate consquences and realistic expectations for his age. Have a look at Triple P parenting. They have some good resources about what is normal behaviour for different age groups and different suggestions to deal with it.
I am a child therpist who specializes in children who have experience trauma as a result of family violence and / or sexual assault. Please don't take your son to the police station. Not helpful. Your little man is not naughty or bad he is suffering from trauma from witnessing trauma / living in a stressed environment. He is stuck in a hyervillant body which is why he is reactive.. His brain in not reacting in the same way as someone who did not witness FV. His nervous sytem is on full alert ( even now he is safe?) It's not your fault firstly!! Don't feel guilty. Get help from a specialist ( in trauma)... don't got to anyone else. Someone who has lots of experience with children. CASA would be my recommendation. Are u in Victoria? If there is not a CASA in your area contact family violence centre and ask for a child specialist . They must know about trauma tho!!!
I'm sorry u are going through this but it's not your fault. It's your exs full responsibility. I hope your new marriage is one of peace and harmony for you and your innocent child. This problem will only get worse if not treated. He is not a bad kid he is a HURT and WOUNDED child. Best wishes