Hi IMs!
I am after some advice. I have a 1.5yo and her dad and I were never in a relationship, we were just friends. After I got pregnant he was there for me but as I started to get to know him better I noticed he was very angry, agressive and violent. He has done a lot of bad things to me like pulling a gun on me or drive like crazy with me and the baby in the car just because he thought I had go into his phone (which I didnt do). I could go on, he really loves the baby but says innapropiate things to her and even sometimes has done things to her that I don't think are appropriate.
In the past I cut him from her life for a month and when I let him see her again he did changed but it didnt last long. He hates having to deal with me as I dont let him take the baby anywhere whitout me, he visits her at my place and he wants her to spend some weekends at his place (which is 2 hours away from my house and she is just too little, she wouldnt even be able to tell me if something bad happens). My family, my 2 lawyers (I just consulted, there's no court orders) and my psycologyst all agree that he's not mentally qualified to take the baby so I havent let him do it.
We had and argument about this 2 months ago and he said that if he couldnt take her by himself then he wouldnt come again and he hasnt, we have not even speak. I have PTS from all that he has done to us. Also his family have not try to contact me or spend time with her cuz they take his side, which hurts me a lot since they know how he as and in the past they have even tell me not to let him near hear cuz he's crazy.
As much as I know it's better for the baby, I struggle thinking about how will I explain the situation to her when she starts to ask for her dad. She sometimes even says "daddy". Im looking for experiences from people who hasnt had their dad involved and how your mothers handled it, what did she said to you and specially what do you wish she has done differently or what I should not do. TIA.
3 Replies
He is definitely better off gone, so good on you for doing that.
I've been raising my son on my own since he was born. Kids are far more accepting of this stuff if it's from early on.
Your psychologist can help you with what to say.
But basically what I said was 'your father wasn't well enough to be a parent, he needed to concentrate on looking after himself'
As the child ages you give them slightly more detail in an age appropriate way. So as your daughter gets older you could say your father had mental health issues' then as she gets older and is ready for more specifics then you add those in, but I've never said my sons father didn't love him. I don't know what he feels, I just know he is incapable of being a parent.
Your psychologist can help you work through this and you don't have to have all the answers straight away.
His better off gone, you have done the right thing. You are a very brave and strong women. You will just have to tell her when she's old enough about him. Try keep it positive, age appropriate and matter of fact.
As for his family, you don't owe them anything. So don't bother reaching out to them. If one day they decide to be involved. You can decide then if they should see her, on your own terms. Good luck
Hi mumma
Stay strong for your little one and do what you know is right.
I was in your situation sixteen years ago when I had my daughter. Her bio dad and I hadn't been dating long, fell pregnant, I wanted to keep her and he didn't. We went our separate ways and I haven't seen him since.
It's been tough but when she was little I just told her that when she was older she could find her biological father if she wished. I've always told her how much I love her.
I was very fortunate to live close to my dad when she was young so he played a very strong male role in her life.
Honestly she's not missed out and has grown into a pretty awesome level headed teenager.
She's now expressing interest in finding her biological father, I'll help her to do this and I've also tried to prepare her for the possibility of rejection