My husband recently had an affair with a much younger woman. We have 2 very young kids. He has ended things with her. We are really trying to work on our marriage and both want this to work. He has a lot of anger issues and we argue a lot more since it happened. My question is has anyone else'a marriage been able to survive a cheating partner? I don't want to hear you would leave him - if this was the choice I was going to make I would have done so (and also realise that may still end up being the best option) but I want my kids to have the family they deserve and I love my husband. He is making an effort to make things work and wants to be here. Just looking for personal experiences and reassurance that it is possible to come out of this stronger or at least okay? How do you truly forgive and overcome the hurt? And how do you restore that trust?
18 Replies
My parents have been married 44 years. My mum had an affair in her mid 20s.
If you both really want it to work, and the cheater is genuinely sorry and prepared to jump through some hoops until things get on track then it can work. Unfortunately some cheaters aren't prepared to jump through those hoops.
The kind of hoops I'm talking about is 1. Cutting contact with the person 2. Voluntarily being an open book in regards to mobile phone and social media 3. Checking in when out and about 4. Being where they say they are going to be 5. Being available to you and involving you in there friends, social life etc.
Affairs happen in secret so he needs to show you and voluntarily prove that he is trustworthy, and earn your trust back.
He can't expect you to just 'get over it' he has to be prepared to listen to you cry and he has to be OK with that. He needs to be prepared to reassure you and answer your questions. But it's not ok for you to become stuck in this phase for the next few years.
I think it's a good idea to seek marraige counselling.
Unfortunately despite seeking counselling my partner thought I should just get over it and forget about it. That's just not how life works. So there was no working through it.
Great answer ??
This is exactly the type of response I was looking for. Thank you! He has been trying really hard and doing all of the above but he has a lot of anger that wasn't there before, I think comes from guilt. We have been thinking about counselling. Thanks for your response.
Definitely get counselling! With the help of the right therapist, you guys can rediscover yourselves, create a new, open, honest relationship. But it requires vulnerability and self reflection, and time...
If it was me, I'd want space, have him move out while you're working through it all. Means the kids have a calm safe home life. He then has to take the kids for part of the week too, so you get to work on your self, and he gets to know the potential life ahead, if he doesn't get real. Consequences.
My marriage has survived cheating (not an affair). Counselling and separation worked for us. Both of us weren't meeting each other's needs. Resolved this and now have welcomed second child.
Good to hear it is possible. Thank you.
Nothing can make a bad relationship work. If hes got anger issues and youre unhappy, no amount of you trying will make you happy with him. Trust me. There is no 'decision' to make it work. sometimes your only choice is to put up with it or not.
I don't believe it can be repaired if they respected and loved u enough they would never of had an affair.
It is definitely possible to salvage the marriage - but BOTH parties need to be willing to work at it.
My husband cheated on me one year in to our marriage, 20 years later and we have a son and are incredibly happy.
My husband also had anger issues initially, but that was borne from guilt. I would recommend counselling, both individual and as a couple. The most imposrtant thing for me was that he had to allow me to feel how i was feeling, if i was insecure he had to allow that, if i was angry he had to allow that.
And if after all the hard work, you don't stay together, at least you can say you tried.
Good luck xx
My husband and i are 9 months through working through infidelity on his part with a work collegue. At first i was out it was over. But then i figured i loves this ma. He is a great father to my children. I wanted to give it a chance. My husband came clean to his boss about what had happened...this made the situation out in the open for him to see if it was continuing. I trust his boss would steer him in the right sirection need be. We both committed to counselling...because in my opinion for your relationship to lead to someone cheating things werent 100% and in our case things had deteriorated badly. Its no excuse for his actions but made me work through things. The first months were a rollercoaster. I would be coping fine one min the next a storm of emotion and anger and totally consumed by what he had done to us. He rode out my anger accepted it. Did all he could to help. Attended counselling. Made effort in everything...we are in a good place now we are very open with each other now sometimes to the point you hear things you dont want to but there are no secrets. I still think about things from time to time but our relationship is actually much stronger now. Our communication is amazing. I would never say its a grwat thing that happened but both our actions after this awful event have been positive. Good luck
Yes I have. Communication was the key for both of us. And coming to understand his reasons behind choosing to take that step (what he was lacking in our relationship). You both definitely have to want to be on the same page with wanting it to work. I chose to forgive once I understood and I choose not to check his phone/Facebook as I feel it shows a lack of trust and that is something that (for me) is what a relationship needs. However I know he would have no problem with me looking should I ask. It takes time and communication but it can work. Best of luck to you ?
He had a one night stand during a time when things in our relationship weren't great, I found out 6 months later from her. Because he wouldn't communicate with her. She has as spiteful he was deceitful it hurt so much. We decided to try & work through it and started out with couples and individual counselling. 3 years later I still have my moments & need reassurance but we have moved forwards. Honestly it has improved our communication with each other dramatically. Good luck
Why did he do it? That's what I would need to know. Cheating is not as much of a deal breaker for me as it is for many others but I would have lots of questions that need to be answered honestly for me to be able to move on. More than anything else I would probably take it personally (that he thinks I'm not good enough or something) and that's what would hurt me, not the actual sex. So I guess I would need to get past that. It might not have anything to do with you, it might be that he feels less needed by you now you are a mother with kids that need you or something similar. So I would need the answers to be able to move forward.
Hi, I believe it can work. It happened to me and i too was not prepared to leave as it just wasnt an option. It is still a struggle sometimes for me as it seems to still be fresh in my mind even though it was 2 years ago. But as times go by it will get better and better and definitely easier.
It takes a lot of hard work to rebuild the trust that is lost. But with effort from both parties it can and will work.
Once a cheater always a cheater! No amount of money would make me stay, I could never stay for the money.
My husband and I have been together for 28 years and he had an affair 5 years into our relationship... I was devestated and heartbroken, we had 2 young kids, I asked him to move out while we tried to sort things out. We got through it without professional help. We are still together, have a good relationship and he has never given me any reason to not trust him since.Things can work after an affair. Good luck
My husband cheated on me with my best friend. After 10 years of marriage (and a 25 year friendship with her) and I'm not going to lie its freaking hard. So many problems come out of the woodwork in these situations and you have to be prepared to hate him more often than you love him. My husband cheated 3.5 years ago now and there are still times that are hard. Rebuilding trust is key. He needs to be prepared to deal with the issues leading to the infidelity through counselling and being prepared for your hurt and anger. You need to talk openly with him about how you're feeling and know that he is listening and prepared to work on things. In my case it was the hardest call I've ever made to stay and work on our marriage but on the other hand if it happened again I couldn't go through it again. I'd leave. Good on you for trying to work through things and good luck. Get some help as an individual as well as a couple.
Yes you can overcome it but it will take alot of work from you both.
I was so angry I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting and he just wanted to forget it and move on.
Everytime I mentioned it or something bought it up he'd get angry at me for 'dwelling on it ' ' not moving forward and staying in a bad place'
We went to counseling both together and separately and I reached a point where I realised I had made the decision to stay in my marriage and I had to stop making him pay and find a way to not forgive and forget but to live with his mistake.
He also realised that there would be times this would hit me out of the blue again he needed to let me talk, yell, scream and cry get it out the feelings I was having and he had to be ok with that.
It took a long time- at least 2yrs before I felt I could trust him and if im honest I do still get twinges 10+ years later. Not from anything he's done though as our relationship is a compete open book but if im having a low self esteem moment or im in a bit of a funk I may feel a bit vulnerable. I just tell him I'm feeling a bit insecure and he'll do his best to reassure me.
It can be saved you just both have to really want it and do whatever it takes