Am just wanting others opinions on what the feel a controlling partner is.
My partner always agrees that we can do things like spend some quality couple time together or go visit friends, however it never happens as I'm the one who suggest it. However when someone ask him to do something for or with them he does it automatically the only times we seem to do something together is when it's for our kids or the family home. I'm really starting to feel like I'm not good enough or important to him anymore which is starting to cause me to hate him and wishing him dead not to mention it's causing me to become depressed again. Please no judgement as I'm after help or some advice on what to do if you can. Does anyone else feel as though this is him trying to control who I can see, where I can go and what and when I can go places?
8 Replies
No, it doesn't, however we've only heard a very small snippet with very limited information. What happens when you go out without him? Are you allowed to do things on your own?
We only ever go out together if he wants me to go and spend my money on stuff for him and the kids. I'm not allowed to spend any on myself or go off and do anything by myself I always have to have him and or the kids with me and if I do spend any money on myself or go off on my own then I'm apparently being inconsiderate if his and the families feelings even though I'm stuck in our house all day everyday unless their is something in at the kids school or sport involved that I'm allowed/made to go to even if I'm not feeling up to it, and if I don't go I get yelled at and told to stop whinging as I had the chance to get out for a bit.
It's a form of control. Wether that's his intent or not if he is stopping you from seeing people you'd like to see and spend time with then that's an issue. If you went and saw those people on your own, what would his reaction be? Or would he not care. If he wouldn't care then it would fall into the category of he's a thoughtless ass who only cares about his things, and less into the control category.
It stinks that he doesn't spend the time with you that you want.
My advice, get off to your GP and get that side of things sorted sooner or later. If you genuinely feel you are being controlled and nothing changes when you talk to your partner it's time to break up before you loose yourself entirely.
I'm not allowed out of the house on my own I'm only allowed out when it suits him aka he wants me to spend my money on him or it's to go to something at the kids school or sport.
That's not control that's abuse. Please contact a DV support group. Please speak to your GP about what is happening. It's time to organise yourself to get out safely.
Why do you call it "my" money? It sounds like you both have a weird dynamic, neither of you see yourselves as a family. I think you need couples counselling. It also sounds more like he whinges so you don't actually challenge it, maybe you should start and just let him whinge, he will soon learn it gets him nowhere.
Not allowed as in not allowed or you don't go anywhere because he bitches about it?
My partner and I took our first family holiday together 16 years into our relationship. Before then, we'd tried spending Christmas afternoon once with my family and he whinged and bitched so much I didn't bring him again. Doesn't mean I didn't go to my family for Christmas afternoon. I'd also take our child and go visit my friends, family or even just go on adventures like whale watching, gold panning and Great Barrier Reef hopping. He doesn't come and visit my friends as he actually doesn't really like most of them, except my best friend, he adores her but he knows when the two of us are together he'll feel left out anyway. He didn't even know about my last visit to my bestie until I'd bought the plane tickets and hit him up for a lift to the airport. He'd book his own holidays when he wanted and go visit his own friends. He goes with a bunch of the blokes to visit the other blokes, there's only so much bloke I can handle so he's on his own there, even if I was invited.
If it's you don't do things because he won't, do them without him. If it's you can't do things without him you need to make plans to get out.
He's not controlling you Hun he's being a male, in my experience.. most just don't think how we do, these things will effect you... he doesn't notice!
My advice is to talk to him... tell him how you feel... he probs doesn't even realise he makes you feel bad!
He plans things because he wants to.
We plan things thinking how they might feel about it...
Just talk to your man, tell him you feel like he leave you out, tell him you always consider him before making plans.. tell him you want to be part of his plans..I bet he has no idea that he hurt you! ?