Maybe more of a vent then a question? I'm so confused and worried and stressed and not sure how much more of them I can handle but at the same time I want to help them but no idea how! I think my parents, my children's grandparents are depressed-actually I know they are. My mum and dad barely talk to each other, if they do it's short and simple. They constantly moan about each other to me (their only daughter) but won't help themselves or each other. Mum will say-there is nothing I can do to help him and dad says-I don't want to say anything because it will push her over the edge. Mum doesn't do much in her free time but sit on her lounge and watch Tv or DVD series she works full time, she can be so nasty in things that she says to people and my husband and I, she will question our weight-we aren't big people and play lots of sports and have recently lost 30kgs between us. Dad also works full time and attempts to do things other then work. Their home is cluttered as mum is a hoarder, we aren't allowed to throw anything away-we have spent lots of time there before and had rooms perfect but within a couple of weeks it's back to how it was there isn't a seat to sit on without spending 10 minutes to move stuff to be able to sit down. Neither of them are healthy or look after themselves-there is huge health issues with them both including previous cancer and diabetes, their diets are like they are trying to dig their own graves! I have tried to chat with them about it but it doesn't get me anywhere or I get in trouble like a 2 year old because I've snapped at my mum (dad agrees with me but won't tell her that). I'm not allowed to say no to my kids and if I do mum over rides me and then situations become very awkward (I say no to canteen during siblings games at sport we all go together at the end and she will let one go because they can get her a coffee at the same time-then I have the others that haven't played yet whinging for their canteen trips and lollies all I can do is say after you have played you can imagine how well that goes down but it's because I'm a tough mum) a conversation with her is usually negative about her work place, or someone nearby, she is a really negative person lately never use to be at all was on the annoying side of over positive some days now she holds so much anger from situations she has been put in over her life makes life even harder when u need to screen who is in a cage before your allowed to go in as she has anxiety to be around some people-I can understand the anxiety but seriously you cannot stay there and be so negative forever can you?!
My kids would rather be there for the weekends with her-why wouldn't they? You can do what ever you like, eat crap, and not get asked to do anything whilst grandma sits in the lounge or goes to bed and grandpa will take u places with him. then the kids get home and they will whinge at me because they never get to do anything at home or see there friends! I feel like I never get to do anything with my kids either! I feel like I'm not allowed to say we are going home to do washing etc as it makes me a bad mum! I know none of that is true and strive for a balance with the kids and need routine and morals for our children. Funny thing is I was raised to have a tidy house etc and now I'm not allowed to make my kids do anything. We have 4 so routine and helping each other is important to our family home.
The relationship between my parents is very strained and I sometimes think they would be better off divorced-they are pushing 60.
How am I suppose to go on with being around them? Everything is just so much work! Being around them makes me feel like I'm a bad mum, I'm doing all the wrong things, I don't do enough for my parents, I'm worried about their health, the marriage, their life's, everything! I don't have any aunties, uncles or grandparents and there isn't really any friends of there's I can call on. Thankyou if you have managed to read all of this sorry it is so long.
Please make any suggestions I need help with my family! They are really involved with my kids and my kids absolutely adore them but for me-it's seriously causing me to go into breakdown mode-they try and help but feels like more hindrance then it's worth sometimes as the constant negativity from them both does my head in! I love them both so much which is why I want to help them but how?!
Grandparents/parents being depressed?!
Grandparents/parents being depressed?!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health
7 Replies
Sigh, it can be hard, can't it. It sounds like the sort of situation where you need to put up firm boundaries. Honestly you all sound Overly involved!
1. Don't let your kids stay there more than once a month. They are your kids and it's up to you to say no, when, where etc. too bad if the whinge. Maybe organise some play dates etc on weekends so they have something else to look forward to.
2. I had to tell my mum that she ain't allowed to bitch about my dad anymore. I made it clear, I love them both, but she can find someone else to bitch to, but I wasn't listening. Anytime she started I would leave. It did stop. Do it to both your parents.
3. You can't make your parents gets help if they don't want it. Your parents relationship, is there relationship. It's not your responsibility, even if it was possible to do it, to fix them, or make them happy. They know there is help out there if they want it.
4. I would not be visiting more than once a week. I'd also be cutting back on time with them full-stop. If they are miserable people they are damaging your children.
Get yourself some counselling. They can help you process, find coping mechanisms and set up healthy boundaries. There is honestly no point letting your parents drag you down with them.
Thankyou heaps for your advice. It's exactly what I needed to hear. Now just to try and implement it all. Easier said then done as I'm sure your aware having been in a situation similar. They can make it difficult when dad will just pop in, most of the time it's daily-he has no other support throughout everything they have been through and that's a lot of extremely hard times within the family unit and especially with mum. Mum's friends have pretty much anondoned her so she hasn't got anyone else but me either. Just like raising your own children they need some tough love every now and then and it's time to do this with my family too. Thankyou.
Just my opinion and I know its so hard to see other people have problems that they never change and youve probably seen this over and over your whole life, but i think youre too involved in their life. Turn your focus from trying to fix them, to trying to fix yourself and not letting them put their crap onto you. They can only fix themselves if they want to, or spend their time comtinuously making excuses and pointing out each others problems and blaming each other. and you can do the same, either fall into the same cycle of trying to help them and being mad at their issues, or help yourself. when they try to offload their crap onto you don't get into the details just put it back on them that theyre unhappy and need to focus on improving self, for eg to get out and join a club and find people you can talk to because talking is important. Take a step back and learn how to draw the line where you need to.
Thankyou for your advice! That line is being drawn and I'm going to turn into a duck allowing their comments and negativity just wash over me. I've never ever in my life put myself first and never felt treated as a first priority with what has happened in the family. I need to do this for me and my own family. Thankyou.
Yes you do, theyve overinvolved you and are still putting way too much on you, they should want this for you too but it seems like theyre too unhealthy, you really do need to do this for yourself.
Help them find Intrests and hobbies!!
Do you have a local men's shed? Local knitting, crafting, cooking or sport places? Local libraries that do "grandparents " activities for seniors and children? Would be a good way for them to socialise with others :)
You need distance and space and they need more outlets !
Let them spoil the grandkids on their turf, if you're happy to let them look after them, but set boundaries for them when you're around, and don't spend long with them, only short sweet visits.