What does one do when they just don’t want to be “here” anymore?
This is gonna be a long one…… I hope someone can stick with me til the end as I have no idea where to start but I will try my best!
I am nearly 40 and a single parent of 3.
I grew up with an alcoholic father in an abusive family home. I moved out early and ended up in an abusive relationship myself. It was awful, just awful. Physical, mental and horrendous sexual abuse that I was stupid enough to stay in for 14 years of my life. That ended 9 years ago and he has since passed away but I am still a prisoner of my own mind. He was an evil bastard. He hurt me, he broke my spirit and killed my happiness and I don’t think I can ever get it back.
I am one of those “strong” ones… you know, the type people admire and say oh I don’t know how you do it and oh wow you done an amazing job raising those kids alone…. And alone, means alone! I have no supports. Family or friends. It’s me and them, all day every day. No break. No rest, no sleep ins, no nights off. It’s all fake, a façade and bullshit. I am doing a terrible job.
Over the last 20 odd years I have had brief bouts of feeling happy, but it never lasted.
Fast track to now. My mental health is terrible. I have always been able to pep myself up and get on with it, as so many have told me I should. However these last few months have been a steady spiral downward and I now feel I am about to completely break. I have completely shut myself off from the world. I don’t want to see a doctor, a counsellor or seek help. I am in the “too hard basket” and talking to someone now means I have to fess up. I have to fess up that I am a complete fucking failure, I am an awful mum and I am slowly fucking my kids up and dragging them down with me.
I have simply given up. I no longer work my ass off. I work the bare minimum because that is simply all I can do now. I have worked just enough to cover paying for the roof over our heads and buy food. Disconnection notices are rolling in for the bills and my phone rings non stop from debt collectors, and I just don’t answer the phone anymore. Car payments are behind and insurance has been cancelled…. And I don’t care. I simply do not care. I have always made sure my kids had the best. I didn’t want them to feel the effects of have a fucked up and now dead father, and a joke for a mother…..but now I struggle to wash their uniforms for school and buy food for their lunch. I have pulled them all out of their sports clubs because I don’t want to take them. I spent years running to 4 training sessions a week and all day Saturday at games. Every training session and every bloody game! Alone! Just me! No one helped when I was sick, or even wanted to come and watch them play a game. We now stay home all weekend, I have no interest in taking them anywhere. I just want to stay in bed with the door shut…. God I am a fucking asshole of a parent.
I manage to fake a smile for the few hours I work each week. They are all lucky enough to have great friends and relationships so I play the bullshit part to “fit in”. The minute I get in my car, the tears start. I don’t want to go home and be a mum. I absolutely hate my life and I am sick of it. I have no friends because I cannot be fucked trying to maintain a friendship after being burned so many times. I would never tell anyone I actually know all of this anyway. It’s embarrassing and shameful. I am simply typing as my poor head is about to explode. I spend most of my time in tears. They just flow and I cannot stop them. I could be getting petrol or doing the shopping or sitting in traffic and they just start. I am so down and broken and I cant get up anymore.
I have been alone since I left my ex, unable and not wanting another man. I don’t want anyone to hurt me anymore, although I feel desperately lonely at the same time. Not that anyone would look twice at me since I made food my best friend and doubled in size.
I’ve never had a holiday, and I honestly cannot remember the last time I got dressed up and had a fun night out or the last time I bought myself something nice. I am not living, I am simply existing and I am sick of it. I have done the anti depressant thing and the counselling many times over the years but nothing has helped with my internal dialogue.
I am so sick of being sad when I see people being happy because I want that, I deserve that! But it’s just not gonna happen. I cry sad tears when I see a wedding on tv or hear of a lovely proposal or engagement because I want that. I want someone, just one person to give a fuck about me… to care about me and make me feel special. I have no idea what that actually feels like.
I am so down that I am even starting to turn on my kids. All I do is yell at them and cry, and they are acting up as a result which means I yell more and cry more. Then they say “sorry for being naughty mum” and yep, I cry. They are a reflection of me, I am fucked therefore they are fucked.
I think about death a lot. Life is too hard. Its been so many years of battling and I’ve lost the battle. I don’t care anymore. The kids would miss me if I was dead, but they would be better off with a foster family. They might have a chance of a good life instead of living with me… the mental mum. I have no interest in them, their schooling or spending time with them. I just want to stay in bed in the dark and be left alone. The last week I have been worse and I can actually feel myself going down further into a hole. I have cried all day today and thought I need to write this shit down because my head is spinning and my eyes are burning.
I have awful flashbacks of what that prick did to me. He hurt me so badly with physical abuse but the sexual abuse was worse. Oh the things that bastard did to me, God I am so glad he is dead. Flashbacks hit me without warning and I have huge panic attacks. I am unable to self regulate anymore and I often get out of control and end up curled in a ball on the floor in hysterics, unable to stop…… complete nutcase.
Then I feel the guilt about my kids. My poor boy has been begging me for months to fix his Ipad screen. I don’t have the money, please mum put the internet back on, I don’t have the money. Please mum can we do this or that, I don’t have the money because I am unable to work more than a couple of days a week. If I try I might just crumble at work and that is simply not an option.
Being in an abusive relationship makes you really good at acting and covering up the bad stuff. I have become an expert, but I cannot keep up the façade any longer. I have no interests and nothing to look forward too. I will never be happy and married, I will never get to have a holiday with my boys, I will never get the things that so many take for granted.
I just don’t want to be around anymore. Why would I? Life is sadness, hardship and struggle and Ive done the hard yards for years and I am only young! I cant do this for the rest of my life, I am fucking sick of it.
I don’t even know what I want people to say. But I don’t want people to say go see a doctor, call lifeline, get help from services with bills….. I did all that last year when the bastard died and I had to take so much time off work to support my heartbroken kids. I am eligible for nothing. I earn too much (700 per week) for any kind of Centrelink, I cannot afford time off work as I have no leave. I tried to access some super so I could take a few months off work and try to make myself better, but I am not eligible for that either. I’ve tried everything I can think of….. everything! But it turns out…. This is it! This is life. My life. This is just how its gonna be and I am fucking done and I am feeling scared about what I might do. I have never felt like this before. But I am helpless. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I cannot fix myself or make my life better and I am tired, so tired.
What do you do when just dont want to be here anymore
What do you do when just dont want to be here anymore
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
12 Replies
Big hugs to you. Feel so sad for you :(
Get a notebook and write and write and write, get all those horrible thoughts out of your head.
Start walking or doing some form of exercise for 30 minutes every day. Or dance in your room. Get those endorphins to help your mood.
Get dressed and clean your house.
Download a gratitude app and write 3 things that made you happy or grateful for the day.
Find one small achievable goal to work towards and log any positive step you make towards achieving it.
Consider counselling online, i think theres an app called better health that connects you to a therapist. It cost someyhing like $50 a week - a lot cheaper than face to face counselling. Theres other counselling apps, look them up.
These simple things, if done consistently and daily, may help you a bit with your depression, at the very least to make it through the day.
No one can replace mum. I lost my mum and no one could ever take her place. My mum had depression, she also was far from perfect, but she was my mum and nothing will change my love for her or how devastated i am without her.
You sound exhausted. Fatigue is a major contributor to depression. Please start resting. The brain can tell us horrible things when we are fatigued. Start deep breathing exercises and meditation. Focus on the positives in your life. You have your kids, home and a decently paid job. Money comes and goes, by the sound of it when you come out of the depression you will have the opportunity to work more to get out of debt.
You also seem resilient. You survived horrible situations and are still able to hold a job and raise children. Don't let your ex control you from the grave. Speaking from personal experience when we hit our lowest point and make it back we can become stronger. Keep focused on your mental health and wellbeing.
Best wishes to you. Xx
I have also been at extremely low points in my life where I have felt like life wasnt worth it, please reach out Mumma. As hard as it is please speak to a gp and seek help. Your babies need you and you sound like I've strong mumma to get to this point. Life is so tough sometimes but please keep going and seek help. Xxx
My heart hurts for you. I'm holding out my hand to hold yours through the internet. Please feel the squeeze... You sound like an amazing mum. At the moment all you can see is the 'bad mum' but you are actually the 'good mum'. But no matter what, your 3 kids love you to bits. No-one is the same as MUM. We all know our mums aren't perfect but they're OUR mum and we love her. We are NOT better off without her. Is it possible to allow their love in to your heart, to give you just enough motivation to make a step each day toward healing? Whether that is focussed breathing to provide a calm moment, writing a diary to release the pressure in your head, maybe making an appointment with your GP and showing them this post? Please keep reaching out to us on IM, we'll keep responding. You are right, it really is one tiny step at a time to just get through each day. The spiral toward the bottom seems so steep and fast, I hope we can help you slow down and reverse back up to level ground. Hugs to you xx
Oh my goodness, I am so sad to read this. I can imagine what you're going through, to a degree. I haven't been to that rock bottom place but I've been damned close.
I know you don't want people to say get help, but you need it. There is no shame in asking for help. It really sounds like you might have PTSD, to be honest. Obviously, I don't know who is around you to help (family, friends etc) but if there's anyone who can help you, anyone you can lean on, please talk to them. Let someone help you. You are worth it. You can get through this.
I am in your position now. I feel your pain as you're writing it. And I'm hurt for you.
That urge to cry, that huge lump in your throat as you're trying to hold it back as tears are rolling down your face. I'm there now. My heart breaks for you. My heart is broken.
I might not be of any help to you, only that I am in pain as well and that you know I'm thinking of you, your precious children. You're important and your life is so very important, so very important to your children.
I've been broken for many years and I can say if it wasn't for my boy, I know I wouldn't be here today. Hold your babies tight, keep holding them, cry if you have to, show them your emotions, don't hold back just keep holding them. Express your unconditional love, assure them that you will help yourself and be there for them no matter what. The love you have for your children is beyond words.
As hard as it is now, please reach out to someone. I know that's easier said then done, but trust me you will thank yourself in the future. You won't heal overnight and it may take many years to achieve happiness within yourself, but isn't it worth it? Even for a little bit of happiness? It had taken me over 15 years to acknologe I needed help, I'm seeing a psychologist- she's amazing and I feel so comfortable with her, it's only been a 6-months and in all honesty and despite feeling still shit, it's only because I'm bringing up awful memories of my past that have haunted me for my entire life. But at the same time, its given me clarity and a better understanding. But I have hope that in time, I will appreciate myself and my past, accept the cards I have been dealt, learn to live and I hope in time I am able to have a real smile as appose to a fake one.
I have been informed I critise myself allot, especially my past choices. I can see that you're doing that too. It's not healthy and does more damage than good. But you know that, like I know that but we keep doing it because we're so angry at those that hurt us for their own benefit. We keep cussing at ourselves for that and we hold onto so much blame and resentment.
I cannot imagine the life you lived as a child and then the life you lived 14 years of marriage with an abusive, distructive person who made you feel insignificant. Those people are toxic --- but you know, you are strong, you left that horrible person and chose your path not to be with him. Well done ? . But I know, despite leaving the abuse it didn't stop there and during your marriage you lost a huge part of yourself, most likely all of it and became an empty shell.
I cannot count the amount of times I have questioned my existent in this world, it's tough, I feel I was handed the raw end of the deal, each and every time. But I look at it, my beautiful boy who is such an amazing person, that if it wasn't for me, he could of been a reflection of his father. And I'm so relieved he isn't. Hold you babies tight. And thank yourself they're in safe hands (you), they're no longer associating in such a toxic environment. You're not toxic, you're broken and in so much pain - defiantly not toxic and without you, they will be broken.
We can do this together. Let's start today, something small. Then slowly increase things for ourselves and our amazing children who're our pride and joy. I'm happy to start this journey with you. Message me back and I will give you my details. Let's fight this horrible task together. We can do this! Baby steps is all I can handle ATM but I'm hopeful, I hope you're and if not, in time.
Let's get ourselves together, create a new happiness, joy etc. I have faith in you. I believe in you. Let's turn that fake BS facade into the real deal. Because we deserve this. YOU deserve this!
Big hugs, I know what it's like to be trapped in that darkness and want to give up. I know how it feels to believe everyone would be better off without you, but the truth is they wouldn't I know that objectively by seeing my dad try to take his own life and the way it made me feel but it still doesn't stop me feeling that way.
There are patches of light in the darkness though it's just that sometimes you have to look really hard to find them, abuse does horrible things to the mind of the person being abused and unfortunately that never seems to go away.
For me creative outlets help me find glimpses of light and occasionally I even get a day that shines, try writing art or grab a camera and take some moody photographs none of it has to be perfect nobody else even has to see it but it just might help you to put some of your pain somewhere besides your mind . But please try for the sake of your children no matter how imperfect you are they love and need you xx
Omg the spontaneous crying, it gets you anywhere, anytime doesn't it!?!
It's a full moon tonight so just be aware of how intense our feelings are at the moment, everything is magnified.
First step was reaching out to us, and we're all here for you. A bunch of virtual girlfriends supporting you, cheering you on, we've got your back sister! Next step... What is it? Only you know but I'd suggest having a chat, off loading, to feel heard, seen and validated. The struggle is real my friend. If you can't do the GP just yet, ring a number, make a call. I've heard lifeline is good or what about a DV line? Then you figure out the next step after that... Teeny tiny baby steps
Love to you xx
I read the whole thing. I have tears in my eyes. Don't give up- your children care, I care, and everyone else who read your story cares. Xxxx
Kelly please can you urgently contact this mum directly? Would she consent to a suicide call back service? I am really worried for her. This is a crisis situation. Please don't just provide numbers, this situation is too hard and she is really desperate. Dear Mum. My God. What a horror you have lived through! I am so sorry that you have had to endure such torture. What has kept you alive until now? I know you are exhausted and traumatised, but something made you reach out to this page. Would you be willing to accept help from others? Could someone call you from a support service? What state are you in? We don't want to lose you and let that bastard win. You and your kids deserve a better life. It will take some time but there is no reason to believe it can't get better than this. I can see how much you love your kids even though you are not happy with the way you are parenting right now. Please, for their sake and yours, take the next step to accept help and pursue support. This is the worst possible time to make the most important decision of your life. Suicide is final, don't make that final decision when you feel at your very worst and at your weakest moment. Sending you so much love! Can you be with anyone tonight? Anyone? Please share with someone you know your suicidal thoughts.
The reason why reading this hurt so bad deep down to my heart and soul is because it felt as if I wrote it. I honestly have had the same thoughts and at one point told myself that the only way "out" was to kill myself and my kids. It was very bad so I decided to seek immediate help. I didn't recognize the person I was anymore. I couldn't believe the thoughts running through my head but I too was so damn tired of life. Not even 30 and already have dealt with so much. I called a sucide hotline and was connected to a psychiatrist. I was very reluctant but also very desperate. At about 15 I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Depression and Anxiety all because of the abuse I had experienced. For me, medication helps but for others it doesn't. We are all different, you need to see what will work for you. You sound just like me whenever I'm having an "episode" which is when I feel my lowest but then I start taking my medication again and my thoughts become more positive. Right this minute the best thing would be to reach out to a lifeline, I know you say you don't want too but you might be able to get unexpected help. Try more than one, as long as you like one and they are able to offer additional help then you will be back to better soon.i think we all feel this way at some point so don't feel bad for yourself. You need to be proud of where you are and what you have accomplished and overcomed. You are a human being, we all have flaws and faults. Love yourself momma. Deeply love yourself. Keep your chin up and seek out help, I live in California (U.S.A.) but if there is any way I can help you or send you stuff let me know. I can share some of my stuff and love for you. We can even be pen pals, just write to each other as to not feel so alone. I care about you, you may feel alone but you are not. Seek help, reach out to those of us reaching for you. ❤? -B..
Please tell me you're still with us.