Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. I have one child (18 months) who has never meet her dad so I have her full Time and he has two kids (2 and 4) who he has full Time too. His ex has the kids during the day while he works and he has them every night and weekends. So where does that leave time for us? It doesn't. We have had 3 maybe 4 dinner dates and been to one movie in the 6 months we have been together. He doesn't have any one to take them his ex just doesn't full stop and my dad is always busy. We have been out during the day on a Saturday together once too. It's hard at the start it was nice like a full time little family now it is draining. I feel like there is no spark any more and we are still so new. His not the romantic type either like he wont by flowers or light a candle. and I have ALWAYS struggled with feeling loved and wanted and feeling beautiful and worth something due to a very traumatic past from one thing to another so I really wish he would buy me random flowers or do some thing to make me feel like I'm loved. but I don't want to just say that to him cause then if he does buy me flower or what ever i will then think he is only doing it cause I asked him to. He lives just over 45 minutes from me so to drive all that way a few times a week is hard. So I have limited it to weekends I live with my dad so it is easier for me to go to him.
So I'm left with seeing him 2 maybe 3 nights a week and he works all day Saturday now too. I really want to make this work but I'm so lost on what to do. We dont even talk over the phone any more cause he is always falling asleep when he puts his sons to bed. It's got to the point now where I'm not even excited to see him cause I know when I do it's going to be boring.
What do you all suggest? How do I Spice Up the relationship? I'm not into sex much either I hate it actually always have after being abused throughout life so that diesnt help our relationship either? Is this relationship doomed???
Full Time mum dating full Time dad
Full Time mum dating full Time dad
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
5 Replies
It just shouldn't be that hard. Don't get me wrong, relationships take effort but at 6 months it should be excitement, butterflies and rainbows.
I don't know your full background and what you have done in the form of therapy etc to help you move on from your past, and feel some confidence etc. but if you haven't had help to get over your past, maybe it's time to prioritise that.
What's wrong with telling someone what you need to feel loved. Some people need a hint. I wouldn't hesitate to tell a guy that a cup of tea in bed in the morning is the way to make me feel special, so why shouldn't you be able to say that flowers etc work for you. Just like you might know that your boyfriends desires. He should want to make you happy that's part of being a good partner.
Read the 5 love languages
Just from reading this it sounds as though you have some issues holding you back that you need to get sorted first and foremost.
If you want something, just tell him! Who cares if he gets them for you "just because" you said something, what is he supposed to do? He can't win in that situation. I used to feel exactly the same way, wanting my now husband to "prove" his love and worth to me by buying me materialistic things. It's ridiculous now I look back.. he's honest, faithful, down to earth and provides for our family so I couldn't ask for any more. Materialistic things mean nothing at the end of the day, it may make you feel special but for how long? And is it for self gratitude or reassurance? Because if it is, you need to fix your feelings on needing to feel this way.
Could you suggest maybe hiring a babysitter and then you take him out for a dinner and movie or whatever date you want? Don't wait around for him to do something, do it yourself so you aren't feeling let down like you currently are. It's what I do, I tell my hubby right on this date we are having a date night don't make plans. Other times, I will say okay you need to organise a movie in the next few weeks for us to see. Your pick, but I want to do a date night. It sounds terribly bossy (I don't say it how it comes across onscreen) and he's thankful I do it, otherwise I end up being a sook because I think he isn't spoiling me enough.
It certainly isn't doomed however you have a lot of negative feelings towards the relationship, with children involved I imagine he is feeling very comfortable in where he is in life or in his little routine so may not feel the need to change things around - you just need to get him out of that rut if it's what you want. If you are in a position, take a mini vacation on a weekend and include the kids if you want, after all if it is long term both of you have to take on the other's children. Do something you wouldn't usually do, go out of town, get a few drinks into both of you and just see where the night takes you.
Enjoy! Life is too short.
I suggest move on. You want a relationship, but its not working with him and you wont be able to force it to. It sounds way harder than it should be already. Why does he let his ex do that with his kids? why cant you all get a babysitter for the three kids for a fe hours at night? Your dad? Go out together. Stay in and put the kids to bed or movie night. I think its not the situation that isnt working, theres lots of ways to make it work, the problem is him, hes boring. Hes not making the effort and he doesnt do the small thingd you want in a partner. Move on.
If he's not making the effort to create intimacy and you feel it's all on you then you need to rethink the relationship. Sounds like there's too much going on in his life but he doesn't have the balls to talk to you about it.
There's a shit load of single mums working full time who manage to squeeze in a social life. Why is it different just because he's a guy?
It's still early days, yet the spark has gone? Was it ever there? Was there flirty texts and sexy phone calls before? It's pretty easy to do once kids are in bed. I think you need to focus more attention on yourself for now, get some therapy in regard to previous trauma and to address your sexual dysfunction. Help is available and will change your life, trust me!!