Miscarriage

Hi ladies,

I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just go for it and it's most likely going to be a ridiculously long one. This isn't so much a question just more to offload. I've never really opened up too much about this.

I just saw a post from a mama who recently miscarried. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I could feel your pain as I read each of your words and want you to know you are not alone.

Reading this literally made me break down in tears whilst I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces all over again as the day it all happened which I remember so clearly, it was the day I lost my little boy at 12 weeks (autopsy showed it was a perfectly healthy baby boy). The morning it all started, I woke up so ill, being my first pregnancy I thought it was normal. It was only till later that night I was shaking violently from a temp, locum came out and gave me antibiotics as he believed it was an infection. I managed to sleep, but woke the next morning with a bad feeling.

Later that morning at the hospital, they did a bedside scan. The doctor placed the US on my pelvis and ever so quickly took it away and stayed mutual but acted like all was ok. I knew it wasn't. For that split second, I saw my baby on the screen, lifeless, no heartbeat. Or was it just me?!!

An hour later I was with a sonographer, again, staring at the screen, feeling the probe glide over and over again searching and searching, I just knew, I could see my baby had died. The little flicker of his heartbeat I once saw was no more. It was literally only 2 days before that I had my check up and my bubs was bouncing all over the place, perfect heartbeat and growing. The sonographer left the room and returned with the radiologist. Again they searched, no one said anything, I could feel the tears building up but I just didn't want to believe it.

I'll never forget the way the radiologist looked up at me, her image is burnt into my memory, the regret in her eyes as she said 'I'm so sorry, but there is no heartbeat', words I also can't erase and unhear. I'll also never, ever, forget, how much it hurt to cry. I couldn't breathe, I didn't just cry but wailed, I'll never forget how quietly the sonographer sneaked out of the room whilst I cried my heart out in mourning laying in this dark gloomy room, as my mum sat there devastated in the corner, whilst my husband collapsed on to me sobbing. Apart of my soul left me right there and then. I truly know now how it feels to have a broken heart, it's a pain like no other..

Before surgery I asked my surgeon if I could see my baby one last time, just to make sure. I knew I was in denial, I was literally about to go in for surgery and I was so paranoid they had all made a mistake. I needed to see him one last time. There he was, again lifeless. Little did I know that I too was so close to not making it.

Within 48 hours, my body started to deteriorate. Unknown to me and my family, I have a rare life threatening disease which claimed my baby's life and almost mine. Within that 48 hours I was in ICU fighting for my life and put into an induced coma. It's a very complex and long story but all in short, with quick medical intervention and amazing doctors, a long unexpected stay in hospital, I've managed to bounce back somewhat to what my life was like before.

It's been a very long journey and I'll never forget this experience, nor the long nights I spent looking out the hospital window crying and thinking about how literally my life came crashing down within hours and eventually crying myself to sleep, followed by each waking moment of opening my eyes coming to the realisation that no, this is not a dream this is my reality. The first cry of a baby I heard a few hours after my surgery, I thought I was imagining it (gosh that was extremely hard), to how a few days before this event my husband and I were so happy walking into our appointment for our scan to me not even being able to walk, move, let alone scratch my face or feed myself, I was debilitated.

When I needed to be put into an induced coma. I was told my family will come in to say goodbye, I knew things weren't great, i thought maybe this is it, my time is up. Last thing I remember in my daze is looking up above me to this wonderful doctor trying to put me to sleep, I remember parts of my dream.. It was peaceful.

I'm sorry for this very long post, but I just needed to write what was coming from my heart. The next few months I just cried and cried in private constantly, not only was I mourning the loss of who I once was and almost losing my life, I was mourning the loss of my first baby. I felt people treated me differently, just because they were cautious and that's understandable. The more I felt comfortable to talk about it, the more I felt people opened up about talking about my loss with me and my ordeal. It's taken me a long time to get where I am emotionally and there is no timeframe. I still cry and sob, there is not a day I don't think of my baby. He is literally my every second thought throughout the day. My last thought before I sleep and my first thought as I wake. I seeked counselling for this as I wondered if it was normal, obsessive?! Of course it's normal I was told.

When I saw the mamas post on this forum about how upset she feels and that she thinks she maybe a monster for thinking about when trying for another baby, you are in no way a monster. As one commenter wrote, a miscarriage can play havoc with your emotions and do some wild things for quite some time, again there is no timeframe. This pain will always be with us, but each day hopefully it'll hurt a little less. That pain I have is also mixed with happy memories, I wouldn't have it any other way because that pain for me is a reminder that my baby's existence was real and I was so blessed and fortunate to be blessed with his existence. If I wasn't pregnant with him I wouldn't of gone through all this, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat and wouldn't change a thing, except to obviously have him here safely in my arms.

I will need to do IVF again soon for testing and was advised to wait a year or longer for another pregnancy. With the anniversary fast approaching, I feel so emotional, I don't know why, maybe because he was my first baby and the feelings for him is all I ever knew or maybe it's a reminder of everything we went through. Either way I'd be eternally blessed.

To all the ladies out there that have experienced a loss, my heart goes out to you all. I hope that one day, the pain does ease and you find peace in knowing that all our angels are running around together, playing and are by our sides daily xxx

Thank you for listening.