I've known my good friend for about 7 years. She is lovely and a great person but She is starting to drive me crazy with how inconsiderate she is, making plans then doing no shows or forgetting. I really don't think she does this on purpose as she's always been a bit like this, but now my child is getting to the age where he understands we're going to play with her son so then I have to deal with the tantrums when we don't end up going to play. I can understand plans forgotten when they are organised days or weeks earlier but I am talking plans made in the morning for the day. Yesterday she called me to see what I was doing, told her I was at xyz shopping centre and she said great, I'm in the car now we'll come have lunch. She never showed, no call. Last week she called to see if we can meet at the park. She had to go to a quick drs appt (script update) but said I'll call when we're on our way. She had her step daughter with her so I went out of my way and picked up my niece around the same age. Nothing again. This happens constantly. In the past I would call but she wouldn't pick up so I don't bother anymore. I need somehow to let her know that this is not on anymore. I don't want to upset her but I feel like I'm starting to build up some anger. If you can't make it or something's come up, how hard is it to send a msg or quick 10 second call. My husband says do it back to her, but I feel so guilty.
7 Replies
Firstly stop organising stuff with her. When she tries to organise something say ' are you actually going to follow through this time, because I don't want to go out of my way for you to not show up again'. People do things because we LET them. That old saying of 'you teach people how to treat you' holds true. So call her out on her behaviour. She doesn't think it bothers you because you don't react. If she doesn't show again I'd make it clear how upsetting it was. Be clear, ' what happened, you said x, we waited and would have organised to do something else if I thought you wouldn't show'.
If you do see her again, ask her what is going on, you are worried about her behaviour and you are wondering if something is causing it.
She does it because you allow it and don't call her out on it.
I wouldn't stop organising stuff together but I'd make sure nothing I organised now put me a cm out of my way and tell her why. I'd also not do it back to her, it's not who I am and it's not who you are. So, no more waiting at the shopping centre, if you've still got a bit to do she's there in 30 minutes or you go home. If you're nearly finished she can come over to your place for coffee and a biscuit. No meeting at the park, she comes to your place and from there everyone goes to the park so you're not stood up. You can do it without being nasty, use "I feel___ when you____ " statements and hopefully she'll see she's been really careless and start making an effort to follow through, or at least learn to send a friggin text message!
Let her know the repercussions. Hey xx, we waited for half an hour today for you and didnt hear anything then xx was so disappointed he cried and I didnt know what to tell him. Please shoot a text and let me know next time itll save me a lot of pain.
And if she still doesnt, dont put yourself out. Say no make the plan work with you anyway so if she doesnt show, no worries. And dont tell your child, just say you dont know, maybe theyll come, maybe not.
I have a friend like this as well. I now no longer wait on her, I tell her if she's not here in x amount of time I'll head home and she can come to my house instead.
Ok so I've read a few replies and I'll tell you right now it's not anxiety!!! It's just utter rudeness. She might make plans with me and then 1 hour later she's got photos on fb at a coffee date with someone else. It's not her being afraid to leave the house, she's out already. She might be at someone's house and coming to meet me after but she doesn't. If anxiety was an issue with her I wouldn't be annoyed about this behaviour at all. So please, mental illness is not an excuse for rude behaviour which is what i find this forum always jumps to.
I have a friend who does this constantly. It seriously feels like she only contacts me when she wants something or to spread gossip. We'll say we will catch up the following day and it never happens. She will say come over this arvo, I've got x y z on first but I'll txt you when I'm home. Next thing she's posting shit with some woman I absolutely cannot tolerate (she slept with my now ex husband, she knew we were still together at the time and did it any way).
So fucking over it. Now I just don't even bother.
My mum was like this. I walked out of her life. Have not looked back. Maybe distance her for a while