Hello lovely sisterhood,
I have just found out I am pregnant with my third to my new partner that I have been seeing for the last 7 months. We have been seeing each other a few times a week, but both of us had said at the start we didn't want a long term relationship but whatever happens happens. He is not sure about taking on my other two as he doesn't feel responsible enough even though this is definitely not the case, he has hung out with my two children and does a great job of it, we love hanging out with each other but he has a white picket fence dream and unfortunately I do not fit into this mould, the only factors being I have already got two children and he wants someone who can (I'm guessing match him financially) because he wants to buy a house.
I don't know what I"m trying to say, he says he will support me either way, financially he will be there for the baby and will do 50/50 custody and yet still says he wants to keep seeing me. He is making it very obvious though that he wants me to have an abortion. I don't feel like I am comfortable with that because since having two kids I couldn't imagine not having them. I am confused and lost ... sorry this is probably more of a vent ... Thanks for listening :(
9 Replies
Ok from this I'm reading he is sending you LOADS of mixed messages. He can't expect now there is a baby in the picture to keep sleeping with you if he doesn't want a long term future. In effect he is using you for sex.
It's time to stop hoping he changes his mind and does want a future and start setting up some boundaries to protect yourself. So firstly stop having sex with him and stop letting him hang out with your kids. Then you need to decide what you want as far the baby goes. Do what you want to do. If that's keeping it and co-parenting great, if that's an abortion great. But you do what YOU want as a single person. Don't make a decision thinking either way he will be with you or he won't. Because everything he is telling you is he will never be your partner and you Have to believe when he says that.
Don't believe what he does, believe what he says.
So youre not his one and if he doesnt want your kids (DONT OVERLOOK THAT!) clearly hes not the one for you either, so the relationship isnt going anywhere and a baby is never going to change that for the better.
Decide this on your own because the hard reality is that in the best case scenario he is a good coparent to that one child. Which isnt really great for you and your kids, but you will make it work if thats what YOU decide. And drop his ass. If hes not in it stop accepting less than youre worth, youll coparent better with proper boundaries and mutual respect. And if youre not going ahead youre wasting your time with this mess, move on and find someone that is in it not just stringing you along with the 'i dont want a relationship but what happens happens' line
It sounds like he's treating you like you're desperate, dangling the carrot of still seeing you to get you to have the abortion probably. He talks like he thinks he's better than you, personally I wouldn't have a baby to a guy I was in a casual fwb type scenario, but you do what is right for you, forget him, you and your kids deserve better.
He doesn't want a full time relationship but he was willing to get you knocked up. We're either of you using birth control. Did you ever mention that you were never happy with using abortion as birth control? (Because it's not)
He was using you, you don't fit his ideals yet you still allowed him to string you along. It is true that you can change. My OH had no idea if he could ever take on a woman with 3 kids and raise them with me. But because he loves me he has decided and shown that he can. We are currently expecting and in the process of organising our move to the farm which will be at the end of the year.
What you were in was a FWB situation and you caught feelings and he is still trying to work his out. But eventually he will have to make a decision and you may not like it.
I wish you all the best. But I cannot see this ending happily ever after for you.
I'm a single mum, my rules for casual relationships, 2 forms of contraception (condoms a must for STIs plus another form) and they never meet the kids.
When I met my OH I had my tubes tied and he didn't meet my kids for 6months. That's how long I gave him to decide weather or not he could handle the idea of being a parental figure in my children's lives (2 with Autism and one with ADHD) then I gave him six months to adjust 2 years since we met and we have just gone through IVF to add one of our own to the mix. I get the rules and I had birth control in place. It seems a lot of women just don't care.
Good luck with IVF, I hope it all works out.
I'm sorry, but why are so many women mating with fucking losers!?!??!!!
Take control of your own bodies, your own lives and stop thinking these dickhead blokes are gonna save the day.
Be good role models for your kids, and be ok with being alone FFS!!
Just simply, neither of you want anything long term but you are looking at having a baby by him.....that's more than long term, that's life together. If you can't see yourself with him for life then do not do it.