Hey ladies, I'm University student looking for advice. Since I was a teenager, my relationship with my mum has deteriorated (and I wasn't an evil teenage girl haha!).
She is known to call me names, among them I can list 'ignorant, disgusting, unclean, lazy, disrespectful, emotional' etc etc. To oppose those words, I would describe myself as a pretty normal 20-something who is working part time/studying a post-grad Honours this year. I'm by no means perfect but I don't drink often, I don't do drugs, I exercise most days, I work hard at my work and study. I'd say I'm a neat person, I don't stress too much if not everything is 'done' right away because I know I'll do it...
Other examples of how she upsets me are the fact that she constantly criticises me and nothing I seem to do is to her standard. She sends me really passive aggressive texts messages most days and her mood swings are crazy. She doesn't communicate what she needs and does weird actions to make her point. She hates when I call my dad for support. I know I sound like I'm whining but my confidence gets eroded by the way she treats me and I actually feel so broken because I think deep down I really want to to feel loved and supported by her or feel like I've made her proud. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. I'm just not coping with how she makes me feel and I can't see how to have a relationship with her in the future (or even with kids of my own etc....). Please let me know if you have any experiences or advice!
5 Replies
I have a really hard mother, the relationship is so hard and often just cut off because its easier. As someone that has gone through it over and over as an adult and now feel like a near 40year old immature child still having these issues with my mother my advice to you is to move out if you havent already and then go and see a psychologist. Get the relationship sorted in your own mind and set the boundaries you need. They will help a lot with this I should have done it so long ago.
It sounds like your mother is quite toxic. From experience people like her have very little insight into there own actions and motivations. They rarely change. It's sad to say but your mum can't give you what you need because she doesn't have it to give. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother was raised under harsher circumstances than you are. It's very often the case.
The best advice I can give you is develop coping mechanisms. The sooner you move out (if you haven't) the better. Set up firm boundaries of when and under what conditions you can see her. She might be safest in big group situations or when you meet in public. You will probably find a counsellor helpful to work through strategies. Problem solve etc. develop strong friendships and find a mentor who will give you the things you should get from your mum. These situations are quite similar to DV situations so don't be afraid to reach out to your university resources for help.
She sounds like a very toxic and insecure person. Big hugs, what a hard time you must be going through.
From what you've written I gather you are currently living together? Is there any way possible you can remove yourself from her home and move elsewhere? With your dad or a friend, share house? Sometimes when we are all in the same place it just becomes a vicious cycle and it won't get better, but you may find once you're away from her then you will stop resenting her and she will back off. I guess when living under someone else's roof also if things aren't up to their standard they see it fit to bring others down in an attempt to have them change to their expectations.
I have a bit of strained relationship with my mum, (my dad is basically non existent)
I love her and we get along reasonably but we certainly aren't close. Growing up she was very critical and controlling, allowed me literally no freedom at all. I moved out at 16.
My mother had some undiagnosed mental health issues which I feel definitely contributed. It sounds as if this may be a possibility for you mum too.
I don't really have any advice on fixing your relationship with your mother but you most certainly break the cycle when you have your own children.
Also I may add, if your Dad is a good source of support don't let her make you feel guilty for leaning on him or having a good relationship with him. He sounds like a very important part of your life. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and loved because you can't force people to be what you want them to be. Good luck and wishing you all the best with your studies, you should be very proud of yourself Xx