Hi mums ?
My step daughter is 14.5. Very intelligent. Extroverted. Seems to have plenty of friends and does well at school.
She has no social media but can connect with friends via text or Skype and in person. She has experienced some DV and bio Mum is not in the picture at all
Due to the DV and drug use.
She's difficult in lots of ways.. and extremely neurotic. She's had extensive counselling but there are some issues. My big thing at the moment is that she will not sleep in the dark. Or be in the dark. Her sleep patterns are terrible and obviously increase anxiety. She constantly leaves lights on and as such currently has no light bulbs . Now she's using rechargeable batteries to have some hanging lanterns on and whilst that costs little.. I honestly think that humans need to sleep in darkness and especially adults and she's almost an adult. If I turn her lamp off after she's asleep she gets out of bed to turn it back on. Again and again . If she had her way she would sleep with full fluorescent daylight. I guess I want to know other people's thoughts about this.. let it go? Insist on darkness? I'm interested in your opinions :-)
33 Replies
Oh goodness let the love have a light. Shes obviously scared and its comfort, let her have it. Try to find anice soft one, and use other things to encourage sleep hygiene, like bein outside for the sunset, not screens for the hour before, an hour of relaxation, wind down, calm and enjoyable time, warm milk and bed. I have a diffuser lamp which is great because as well as diffusing essential oils that help a lot, the lamp can be set on high or very dim, and we sleep with it on all night every night, but you could sneak in and turn it down low once shes asleep.
Work with her and honour her needs, dont give her extra anxiety that she shouldnt have it and its going to be taken. Especially when shes asleep so she wakes in pitch dark, it probably doesnt help her go to sleep either, and sleep would be bad when shes shes not peaceful, and getting messed with and havin to get out of bed all night when she does go to sleep. cushion her dont stress her with this.
From my little knowledge from conversations with people who work in residential care homes with youth and children they find these kids to be more hypersensitive in the evenings because of the trauma they have experienced from growing up in DV environments.
This is because generally speaking incidents of violence/abuse would happen in the evenings.
I would seek out professional advice and let her have the light for now until you both can find strategies for her to feel safe.
She's scared of the freaking dark and here you are trying to force her to sleep in the dark? WTAF are you thinking?? Let her have a light on. But he some solar fairy lights if you're that worried about the electricity bill. Just leave her alone. One of my friends was so scared of the dark she slept with her main light in her room on until she was 21. She slept soundly and all night because she felt safe. Let the girl have her light, what's good for you isn't good for her and you are damaging her by trying to force the issue.
Let it go. The child has emotional problems, there are far bigger fish to fry than wether she sleeps in the dark or not. Special kids need special rules.
If you are really concerned about her sleep patterns talk them over with the GP/paediatrician something like melatonin might help.
But digging your heels in over the lights with a child who is probably having flashbacks at night is not the way to go.
Yes! Also consider how having you coming into her safe place repeatedly through the night and changing it is adding to her anxiety and fear. Do things to Reassure her youre there to protect her security so youre a good presence not a bad one.
First thing - replace her bulbs.
Her bulb were replaced the same day. I'm not a monster and the two issues are separate. My question was simply should she be allowed to sleep with the light on.
The bulb was removed because she turns 5-12 lights on on a trip
Through the house and never turns them off
Currently my 22 year old son (has a very rare sleep disorder) is sleeping on my bedroom floor! Not something I would have considered 10 years ago. He might sleep on my floor for a month. I might end up on his bedroom floor in a few months. Sometimes he sleeps in the loungeroom. Sometimes he sleeps until 6pm sometimes he doesn't sleep at all. Being strict about bedtime and lights off etc just doesn't work for him. But before he developed this condition I was super strict on sleep hygiene. We have to do what works for his disorder.
You have to do what works for your child's mental health. She is a child who comes from a damaged, scary background. Do what works for her not what works for the rest of the world. It sounds like her feeling safe and getting through the nights is a bigger priority than having the lights off.
Always put her mental health above what is deemed "normal". Be her person, the one who makes her feel safe, who understands her and supports her. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job.
I am her person
And I'm broken by the hatred I've received about this. I just wanted to know if it was worth pursuing. Thank you for not being awful to me in return
There is nothing wrong with needing some light. As a grown women living on my own I use to leave the bathroom light on so my unit wasn't in total darkness, even now if hubby is out I leave lights on until he gets home. Buy her a salt lamp they use very little power and a dim. Give her support, don't punish her for her fears we all have something we are afraid of.
Have a look into a salt lamp, it will provide light and also improve the air quality. I found I sleep a lot better with it around. Also, a diffuser with some lavender helps to. There is nothing wrong at all with her wanting some light on, I imagine it has to do with what she has been through.
What you think and what's going to happen are going to be two completely different things. You don't even mention dad, is he not around? It is up to dad to organise more counselling if it's needed. It's up to dad to talk to her about a suitable compromise (which could well be a cute little salt lamp - I have one in my bedroom and love it, bright enough to read a book to, dim enough to fall asleep with it on). It's up to you to look out for her and back dad up. If he hasn't noticed this is going on bring it to his attention.
I think there are plenty of adults out there with fears and phobias - arachnids, invertebrates, reptiles, foods, water, germs, and yes the dark too. Cut her some slack, get dad to organise a suitable light and let the girl live with some comfort.
I can't sleep in complete darkness either. I have the tv on all night, every night, sometimes with a video but usually with nothing on, just the low light of the screen. I'm a grown woman of 36 with a husband and a kid and I cannot stand the pitch dark and what might be lurking where I can't see it. Just because you think it's normal to sleep in the dark, doesn't mean it is. Let the kid have a light, please. Get a low wattage light or a night light of some sort if it's about power consumption but don't take away her lights. She's been through enough in her life. She needs to sleep comfortably and sleep soundly for her mental health, let her have what she needs.
Let it go. It could be how she feels safe. I was raped. I never sleep without a lamp or night light on because it happened at night and I was not able to see. This way I can see everything. Years later and I still sleep like that and I am a 27 year old mother. See it from a different perspective.
What is wrong with you? Give the poor girl her light globes back and let her sleep however she pleases -light or no light. You are being completely irrational. Who cares if she sleeps with a light on?
Provide her what she 'needs' as apposed to thinking her leaving lights on is a 'want' or simply forgetfulness. Talk to a counselor yourself (with dad if he's around) and learn how to better support this young person in your care.
As so many posters have shared, they have night/darkness fears and sleep with lights/lamps/tv on, only difference is, they are adults and make that choice. You are removing her choice and therefore compounding the anxiety and fear. Go shopping, let her pick her own nice salt lamp, buy heaps of spare globes, let her keep the globes in her room and give the poor girl some form of control and stability back into her life.
PS salt lamps stay on all day n light. I have one in living area and one in teen's bedroom. I have kids with anxiety and other issues. You can't change who they are, work with them. If in 6 months she feels better, maybe go to a dimmer type of lamp or censor night light, but it has to be on her say so, when she is ready
Wow.
Ok I obviously wrote this in a way that came across completely differently to my actual parenting.
Yes I have my own bio kids and yes I would do the same to them.
She has witnessed a DV incident many years ago and has had a huge amount of therapy. She is definitely enveloped in so much love that many kids never receive . I am patient and caring and I love her and she completes my family. I also think that my job is to raise fully functioning adults. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder and totally get that. But. NEEDING to sleep with noise/light/dark/20 pillows etc makes life hard. How do you travel? Do you take a lamp and a fan with you? When you visit friends do you expect them to provide you with your perfect sleeping environment. Well functioning adults are flexible.
As for the anxiety which we share, both of us are much much worse with little sleep and she is never fully asleep in bright lighting. Dull lighting is ok but she wants the room light on. She says it's only when she's alone but refuses to open her door which would mean we feel closer.
I do so much to help this child. She is listened to and cherished and I am the most attentive affectionate and loving mother she's has had.
There is a light outside her bedroom and she is welcome to leave her door open.
Taking lightbulbs was a last resort after years of asking her to turn lights off when she leaves the room. I am not saying she can't turn lights on when she's up.. but at any given time during the day or night I can follow her around and turn off dozens of lights. If she is capable of turning a light on as she enters a room.. surely she is capable of turning one off also. If she gets up through the night to go to the loo about five steps away, she leaves at least 5 lights on.
She only lost her bulb for a day or two. When she slammed her door at me, I removed that too.. only for a day . I suppose that makes me abusive.
We live in the suburbs and her room is not totally dark ever . Dad works nights so there is always light in the house. Always.
There's no such thing as a fully functional adult. We all have our own fears, own own qwerks, our own issues. Life is hard and if sleeping with 20 pillows and a light makes people feel better then so be it. When I was her age I was terrified of the dark. Sure I did turn lights off but running across dark spaces scared me. This could be why she leaves lights on. Maybe invest in some clap lights or more light switches. Maybe she could carry around a torch around her neck. I thought life was always so straightforward. That stuggling was strange and no one else stuggled. But after a while I've learned how people are alot more friendly and helpful in adulthood and when studying or filling out strange forms everyones got your back coz they know how frustrating it can be. She will learn to care for her own needs. Of she needs a light she will carry it with her and thats fine
There's generally never "one" DV incident, DV is complex and the threat is always there and the household is a bad place to be. She also doesn't live with her mother, so I am sure this is bigger than one incident years ago, please don't minimise what she has been through. Stayimg at other people's houses is not excuse enough to force this on her, my son sleeps with a nightlight, so we either take it with us or have a light on etc. where we are and it's never been an issue.
I know that and she has never known mother love til now. Thanks for making me feel like a failure for asking a question.
You're obviously doing a great job with her and she is so very lucky you stepped up. The post sounded a little military like, taking her globes, but when I think about it, if we all wrote about the punishments we have dished out without talking about the good stuff we do, it would all come across pretty bad ? So the light thing, you can see the consensus is to let her have one, chalk it up to experience, we all make parenting mistakes and just get on with it. The written word can come across so badly sometimes, don't let it upset you.
She is probably afraid. I have met many adults who do this. Hell I met adults afraid of all sorts. Their fears are not rational and chances are the light behind is a fear. I have known people who cannot bring themselves to turn lights off at all for some uncontrollable fear that something bad will happen. It must be hard being a teen and being afraid of the dark. I cannot understand feels but accommodated to it. The counselling doesn't appear to have worked.
Oh man, kids turning bloody lights off. You'd think it was rocket science. My son is almost 20 and is pretty good now with just the occasional reminder that he has left a light on. Leaving for school part of our routine was checking all lights in the house were off before we left so it was ingrained from a young age and of a night if a light was left on in the house and it woke me (I am quite light sensitive so light shining under my door bugs me) and he was in bed I did get him up to turn it off rather than just switch it off for him.
Generally no matter where you go people will leave on the toilet light if there's kids or someone new in the house, you can leave a light on in a motel room, camp under a park light that kind of thing so where there's a need there's a way. Then there's the technology of small battery/solar lights. It's a really easy one to supply and one you won't have any trouble with I don't think.
It's fantastic she has all the love in the world now but as someone who had a rough start and now lives the happy life, it just doesn't erase what has happened previously. After many years and counselling it no longer affects me as much as it did but it all simmers under the surface and has been known to boil over under stressful situations. Don't doubt everything you do helps because it does, it's just that sometimes it can be hard to understand something that you don't live with yourself. I get this with my partner, he is amazing but he doesn't suffer from depression therefore he doesn't believe it exists, I take all of the wonderful and i take care of my depression utilizing other support. Now that you know, lots of people sleep with lights on so she can still be normal and functional even if she never grows out of it. Just keep up with teaching her to switch them off when they aren't in use.
Oh goodness me she's been through a lot '! Probably more then you realize !!!! Get the poor thing a low wattage night light )cost next to nothing to run ) and let her sleep with a light !!!!! Sleeping in the dark is a preference like whether you like a soft or firm pillow ! REALLY neither way is wrong as long as you get some good sleep !!!! She's dealing with trauma and anxiety ! Let her do something as small as this to give her security and rest !!
If light gives her comfort then let there be light. Sounds like she has been through a lot in her short life, sleeping with a night will cause no harm at all.
first thing she is still a child and second thing have some bloody compassion. U sound like u could be contributing to her anxiety as well. Show her she is in a safe environment and show her u care as the post seems to have no heart in it at all. She finds comfort in having a light let her have a night light and replace her friggin bulbs ur saying she has been through DV and here u are taking the one thing that comforts her and taking the light globes. Get a lamp with a low wattage bulb and let her have light she may grow out of it she may not. let her have her comfort.
She is a child yes.
My philosophy is to just love them and perhaps my op came out all wrong. Her dad and I are watching this and discussing and as I said in the op.. I simply wanted to hear opinions. Being slammed as cruel and nasty and lacking compassion has sent me into a fairly nasty anxiety attack myself. Her father is her biggest protector. And I, without a shadow of a doubt, am her biggest advocate. Her biggest source of compassion and understanding. Her rock and if you asked her, probably the person she trusts most in the world.
I am more than happy to let her have a lamp based on those saying they think there is no harm in it.
I feel like I am a terrible person and should probably leave her and die for even asking the question. And no, immot being dramatic. I am very ill myself at the moment and suicide is very close to the surface at all times. I am shocked at how nasty this has turned and maybe she would be better off without me ?
No she wouldn't! It takes a very special woman to take on another mans child full time, you are doing an awesome job and the fact that you wrote in means you are open to others opinions on the matter. Now turn your computer off and don't think anymore about it, have faith in your abilities! These people don't know you and in all honesty, your post came across pretty harsh, which is what happens when people are only given a snippet. You sound compassionate and she is sooooo lucky to have you in her corner ❤️
Also, have a giggle about how many of us grown women still need the light on lol you learn something new everyday ?
No let her have it. Kids need to feel safe and she obviously doesn't feel safe in the dark. Many children left in the dark as kids can develop problems as adults. Im talking from personal experience. Im 35 and cant sleep without my bedroom door locked and a small night light. Just let her xx
I don't think you need darkness. If she sleeps better with light it isn't really harming her. I sleep much better during the bright day than at night and if I didn't have kids would find a job to suit those hours I sleep well. Her issues need to be addressed before you take such a drastic step such as making her sleep in darkness. Does the light bother you and your sleep?
My nearly 12 year old son needs alight at night, he has Extreme Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, he's also on the spectrum with Aspergers. I understand what you're saying but a light in her room may bring her the comfort and security she needs to settle enough to sleep, she sounds like she's had a horrific life up until now, a tiny row of led lights and 3aa batteries are a small price to pay for your child's comfort, please don't remove her light x