Is it normal for a child to play up severely with one parent only?
(Please excuse the long details)
My child is 4, I seperated from his father when he was just over 2 years old.
Prior to seperation, the father was not around much. A real socialite. He drank plenty, played loads of sports that required lots of nights training and days playing comps, during the time we were together our son and I came 2nd to everything.
To say their bond lacked is an understatment.
Post seperation, the father really pulled his head into gear. Got himself a new partner who also has a child and he is finally spending genuine time with our son (yay).
He has my son a substantial time a week, 5 nights a fortnight.
At first this was so insanely hard for myself and our son to adjust.
Some days are still hard at changeover, our son has always, always been a mummy's boy.
But the thing is, my son's father is really, really trying and I am so very greatful.
But our son plays up something shocking for him. Lies flat out, throws mega tantrums and fights (physcial and verbal) with his step sibling like cat and dog.
When my son is home all he does is say he doesn't want to go to Daddy's, he doesn't like his step sister etc.
I try to make the situation as positive as possible "you don't mean that bubba, they love you so very much. And you love them plenty". And I change the subject.
My son is not like that with me at all.
He is the kiddo who wakes up in the morning and snuggles with me in bed, never tantrums, holds doors open for me, uses his manners without being asked and is genuinly the easiest child to care for.
Anybody who babysits him says the same thing also.
I have ever had people, including a family psychologist comment on the behavioural difference in our son when around each parent. Eg. Calm and dosile when around me, very loud and boystress when with his father.
I am just confused. Is it possible for a child to hold grudges? Although his dad is really trying. How can i mend this?
Is this even normal? I have never heard of this before.
Do I get my son to speak to a child psychologist? Or is he to young?
I want to mend this. I want him to have a good relationship with his father.
4 Replies
Your son doesn't trust him. He's acting out because he feels unsafe (not like a sinister way) with his dad. The bond doesn't magically come back overnight and Dad might be better off spending time with him alone and less frequently (maybe not overnights) just for now until mr 4 builds up a bit of trust in him as a caregiver. Don't ignore your boy when he tells you he doesn't want to go to his dad. Listen. Ask more questions. Let him get his feelings out. It is, after all, for the benefit of the child to have access to both mum and dad, not for the benefit of the parents. Help him.
Very much possible for a child to hold grudges. He isn't happy at his dads and is pushing boundaries etc.
I'd be decreasing the time there too. Your son is a very miserable boy there.
Dad needs to spend short one on one time with his son
My son didn't like going to his dads, used to stay 2 nights, would scream and cry when he came to the door. At around 5 I changed it to no overnights and he is happy to go now (he is 9 and we still have the same arrangement), he goes one day a week, usually Sunday. I know I like sleeping only in my own bed, some kids are the same. I also tell my son if he wants to come home at any time, he can call me, makes them feel like they are in control of their visit. Listen to your son, he is telling you it is too much. Good luck. Since the day we changed to no overnights, I literally haven't had a drama, makes life sooooo much better.
Yes its very possible the child doesmt have the bond and 'holding a grudge' not purposefully but as a four year old whose been taken from his mum and his happiness. Dad didnt do the work.
why does he suddenly go that often from nothing, just because dad is trying? Is that fair for the child? I think dad needs to put in the time and build a relationship and let the child feel comfortable spending time at both of his houses. Right now he doesnt feel that way and dad has no innate right to suddenly man up and have everything go his way.