My husband and I have been married for less than a year. We found out in the new year that I am expecting, I have one child from a previous relationship that calls my husband dad. Two weeks ago my husband decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. His reasoning for it is that we are 'too different' 'don't have enough in common' and that we fight too much. None of this I believe is true, sure we have arguments but less than all the couples we know! We sure are different but I've never seen that as detrimental to our relationship, he never misses out on anything and everything he wants to do I tag along, make lunch ect. I thought we had it pretty good! It's completely blind sided me! I moved cities to be with him and don't know anyone here very well, his whole family is here so he would have support if we split up but I wouldn't. I'm thinking of moving before the baby is born to be close to my sister and mum, both of who would be amazing support for me. My husband gets really upset when we talk about it because he will be paying off our wedding still, child support and transport to see the kids. He's started saying 'we can work on things' but honestly I really feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Every time I talk to him the gist of what I get is that he doesn't want to loose the kids or be in financial strain.
What do I do? Do I stay and try to make my marriage work or do I cut my losses and leave? I should mention that he did something similar to this right before our wedding and called the whole thing off then rang all the guests and put it back on! I recently found out that he had been out a few weeks before hand and got a bit hands on with a girl or two in the club. I know if I stay I would feel like a burden to him and would struggle to trust him. I'm not one for giving up on marriage easily but it seems like he's already checked out.
Sorry for the long post!
8 Replies
I think hes not in it, sorry. Like you said hes thinking of the kids and kind of trying, but you will always end up hurt and yes likely cheated on but worse, blindsided when he walks, especially after you put in so much trying.
Youre pregnant and have yourself and a child to think of, Having been through what I have, I would walk in this situation and see if he tries and if it changes or doesnt but I wouldn't hold out too much hope for it to grow, his hearts not it in, duty and comfort is not the same thing, you deserve so much more.
Dont think about it as giving up, its a bad thouht that makes you feel you should stay and put in time, but time in a shit situation is the worst idea, you have to know when to fold it when its just not right, and the quicker you do the better for everyone.
I'd move, run fast, before the baby arrives and he can make it difficult for you. I'm all for working on marriages etc but it sounds like your husband has some really big problems.
He has royally screwed you around with this entire situation. Let's face it if he'd followed through with not getting married (which was probably what he should have done) you'd be back in your home town before you got pregnant! Now he can live with the consequences.
I think by staying would just compound the problem and it sounds like he really isn't interested in the relationship and would be doing it for the wrong reasons.
I don't normally jump to these conclusions but I would say something's happened (as in, he's cheated) and hence he was trying to call things off with you. I bet his see-sawing has something to do with the other woman losing interest/calling it off. He wants to have his cake and eat it!
I'd be out of there before it gets too much more complicated.
I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you. No one deserves that. After reading your post I think something has definitely happened, and that he's either cheated or has feelings for someone else. Can you ask him? Speak to him properly, and calmly and ask him to be truthful. Does he want to fix it? Do you still love each other? And what are your feelings about it all? If you do break up go back and live near your family as I really think you will need them.
Since this is the second time he has said this to you, I wouldnt be surprised if he says it again.
Its a bit like emotional abuse...saying he wants out and then stringing you along.
If it was me, I would say that I need support during pregnancy, child birth and also help with bringing up our child, therefore I am moving closer to my support network. If you want to be apart of our lives, you can join me. At least if things dont work, it will be much easier for you.
If you have the baby is his town, he can stop you from leaving (court orders)...and you could be stuck there without a husband and without support.
Good luck, you can definately do this!!
Run! Set yourself up where your supports are, you'll need it with a new bub, and a new life.
Weak prick should not have gotten married. This is his shit, not yours
You are married to this man, to many people throw things away way to easy go see councillors together and if you do leave he can make it hard as you are carrying his child who he deserves to be there for as much as you do, also why does he have to pay for the wedding that was for both of you? You should be paying for half of it! Sorry for sounding harsh but everyone always says get up and run!! What happend till death do us part??
Was the pregnancy planned? Maybe he was blindsided by the pregnancy? I only thought that because you were only married a year ago so something must have changed dramatically. When he pulled the pin on the wedding, did you get to the bottom of why? I wonder why you continued with the wedding if he did that? Me personally, I wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone that cancelled it like that let alone get pregnant to him. Sounds like there has been little communication between you both and none of your issues have been dealt with properly. It's sounds like you have both had your head in the sand a bit, just continue on with wedding like nothing has happened, get pregnant without addressing the issues in the marriage. How can you be fully blindsided if he previously cancelled your wedding only 12 months ago? Also the fact that you had to move to be with him, away from your family and you are the one with a child makes me think there may have been a power imbalance from the beginning.