This might be a bit long so thank you for anyone who can help. I'll start at the beginning. When I was 5 yrs old, my 8 yr old brother had sex with me. I remember walking out to my father with blood running down my leg ( I don't remember it hurting at all) my father called my mother who was out to come home to take me to doctor. I remember my mother yelling at the doctor saying he hurt me when he checked me and left the hospital. My mother took me home and asked me if my father touched me which I said no, I told her my brother did. I did not understand the fuss as I wasn't hurt and loved my brother. We left this town a week later. Through the years my mother would ask me " your brother hasn't touched you again" which I said no. ( he never did again) When I was 19 I was in a relationship and it was weird having sex so I asked my mother if what happened when I was younger have anything to do with it. (My brother was going for custody of his daughter at the time) She turned to me and said "what are you talking about, your sick, your brother is going for custody how could you do this to him"! I was speechless as I felt I was confining in my mother not out to ruin my brother or make it known as I loved him. I proceeded to go off the rails as I thought this must be in my head and how sick am I to think he did etc. Then 2 yrs passed my mother started saying his daughter was getting molested. ( she wasn't) We were driving in the car and she turned around and said " oh , you turned out alright and got over what happened to you " I lost it had a big fight with her. Then she went home and told both my brothers that I was going around saying they raped me. I was heart broken. Fast forward 10 yrs (everything was swept under the rug as my mum had other dramas she could cause in people's lives) I stopped talking to her for two years as I could not handle the emotional roller coaster she puts in people's life she really is toxic )Now two weeks ago I get a call from my brothers ex saying my mother told her about it that my mother said I'm sick and a liar. So I rang my mum and asked her why? Of course she denied it. ( she will look you in face and lie) So today my brother rang me threatening to kill me etc and he is taking me to court for ruining his name etc ( he has ruined his own name by drugs and hitting women) I know he won't as who would slander there own name? I would like to know besides me pulling medical records and seeing if it was recorded on there how do I prove I'm not lying? I just feel so hurt that my mother has done something like this again it seems like it just never ends, I feel stupid for letting them back in my lives after they ruined my wedding. I feel like a puppy that has been kicked to many times but still searching for that little bit of love. Hope all of this makes sense Thank you
12 Replies
Hi op. I just want to say i also have a loopy toxic mother who causes shit and turns people against each other and as the black sheep Im usually the outcast too, like you. I havent had anything near as awful as you have had to endure, and I still find it hard to deal with, so I really feel for you right now, you probably do feel absolutely crazy, but I dont see how you have any fault in this, your mistake was just thinking you could confide in your mum and assuming that she would have your best interest at heart. Its so sad that she doesnt.
I now dont deal with my mother or my siblings much because its too hard and if it wasnt me not speaking to them it would be them giving me hell and threatening me Im awful if i walk away, you just cant win, So you need to take care of yourself, which includes having boundaries for these people. And youre not stupif for trying again, its really hard without a family support. Its really hard to cut your family out, you sound like a really normal person that just got dealt a shitty situation and a shitty family and youre doing your best with it. Its hard. See a psychologist to help you decide how to sort yourself out to be healthiest.
If this was me id be cutting them all off. Sounds like you would be much bettet without their toxic relationships in your life. If your wanting the truth could your dad give a statement about what happened as he was the first adult on the scene.
How could an 8 year old even know what to do, do you think your mother could have been sexually abusing your brother? It seems strange that she never reported it and you do paint a picture of a deranged woman and it could potentially of screwed him up and he is the way he is today because of it.
I don't think anything is going to come of the slandering case so I wouldn't bother trying to prove you were telling he truth, the people who need to know I think, know the truth.
For your own sanity, cut the mum and whoever else you need to out of your life, you aren't their whipping boy and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I would do some digging with your brother, maybe if asked, he might actually admit it and get some help / support. All these years he could have been carrying this secret, at the time, the obvious thing to do would have been to send him to counselling to get to the bottom of why he did it and if he was actually being abused himself. It might sound crazy and only you know if it is plausible. Good luck, you sound like an amazing lady, all the best.
This was my first thought also. For an 8yo to know what to do and actually do it, he must have been abused himself and the mother was the person of suspicion crossing my mind. Who knows how his abuser messed with his head and made him feel like he was responsible. The mother who lacks boundaries, is toxic and manipulative has probably used it against him at some point also.
I highly doubt your brother will take you to court. It sounds like a threat that toxic people make. So honestly I wouldn't worry about anything he says unless you receive paperwork. He'd need to convince a lawyer to take the case first.
I'm so sorry for what has happened to you, your mum sounds like a nightmare and it sounds like you should stay well clear of them for ever.
I hope you are receiving some ongoing emotional support in the form of a psychologist. I can't imagine
I'm curious to know how an 8yo boy (especially back in those days without access to the internet and what not) would know how to have sex completely. Was it actual sex or was he just playing around with you minus actual intercourse with penis and vagina? Was there something more going on with your family at the time? It sounds like your mother wants to hide something and cover everything up.
I was thinking the same. I'm a mumma to boys and they certainly don't know how to get an erection on purpose at the age of 10 let alone 8. I definitely think the mum sounds shady.
Definitely not questioning what the op is saying but I'm wondering if she's been given wrong information at such a young age...
Exactly what I am thinking, the mum hasn't given her the true information or has literally persuaded her into having specific memories :/ How would he have known that you get an erection, put it in the vagina and then what to do? There would have been A LOT of friction and tension to get it in and quite painful for both, surely he would have had to have some exposure to know what to do :S
Agree, certainly not dismissing what the OP is saying at all!!
You people are so naive, and insensitive!
How can you discuss childhood rape in such detail like no-one else is in the room???
We can all read what you've written, the OP can read what you've written.
Just trust what someone is telling you, this is their experience, their trauma. Of course there's more going on with this family and the dodgy mother, but that is not helpful, focus on the person who is sharing their pain with you xx
Naive and insensitive?? I think you are being rude and a border line bully.
We both offered opinions like the op asked for. The mother is obviously toxic. I am only looking at this situation holistically, taken into consideration everything the op has said. My conclusion is the mother sounds like a malicious human being and their is more to this situation than prehaps the op knows about.
Hi op, I too was molested and raped by my older brother when I was very young like yourself. Unlike yourself my family did not know and to this day still do not.
I have cut my brother out of my life completely and my mother is aware I wish to not share a room with him ever.
The best thing I ever did was cut him away.
He would trigger horrible memories for me and it was only once I met my husband I was finally able to stand my ground with this.
I do highly recommend seeking help from someone who specialises in sexual abuse. It may have only been a one off but the trauma is still there and childhood trauma can rear its ugly head throughout your whole life.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
I know you are strong. I know you are brave. I know you can cut them out and live your life without fear and doubt. You are strong!
You need to go to the police.
Regardless of what has happened in your family and your relationship with them currently or in the past. If they have threatened you like that, you need to go to the police and the threats and the abuse.
They have ways of finding things out.
And even if it doesn't eventuate the police will then have a file, and will keep the reports so if anything happens in the future it will help.
This sounds like a shocking situation and I feel for you.
I hope you get the help you need