Life is tough, isn't it?

Hey IP's,

Life is tough, isn't it?

I'm not one to share my life with people, not because I'm proud or embarrassed, I just don't feel the need to express that with anybody. Until now, with you, complete strangers, open for honesty and possible judgement. But that's okay.

I've been seeing a Psychologist for going on 4-weeks, it's been such an amazing experience. In this short period. It has given me so much insight, inspiration, joy, clarity and even has opened up the doors that have been closed for so long. That wall, people talk about, that shield as a means to protect yourself, I have been able to open up and be completely honest and true to myself.

But it's been tough. As I write this, only just came from seeing her. I'm still an emotional mess and each time I open up to her, I cry - so much.

I've endured so much throughout my life; marriage breakdown, psychical & emotional abuse, sacrificed my life for another (not relating to my child in that instance), given up further education, isolation, fighting depression and anxiety on a daily basis, going through medical problems etc.

I've been a single mum going on 10 years. The marriage broke, he disappeared leaving me to raise a child alone. No help and no support. It absolutely sucks, being a sole parent. Everything is left to me, and I have to keep it together because the father refuses to. How is that fair? It isn't. But that's life, and sometimes life tests you to see how far you can achieve or how easy for you to break down.

I've sacrificed so much being a sole parent. I've had to give up well paying jobs, possibility to study as a means to be there for my child when young. Having little to no support back then, what choices did I have? Our means of survival meant I had to work, and that's what I did.

Now 10-years in being a sole parent, I look back and feel I haven't achieved nothing, for myself. I'm working in a job, that is taking all that I have and I feel I cannot give anymore and on the other hand raising a child to be a good person; compassionate, loyal, loving and a good fit for society. Teaching responsibilities, learning about the world and to be kind to one another.

I'm just so burnt out! I'm tired, exhausted on a daily basis. Working long hours throughout the week, by the weekend all I think about it what I have to achieve on Monday for work. My job is very demanding, any mistake is on me, and any mistake another makes in regards to my work is on me. It's the industry, and it sucks. By the time I get home, it's getting dark, and I am drained but as life itself you have to get on with it so I cook dinner, do homework, have chats and cuddles, then shower and bed.

Since seeing the Psychologist, she's a mother herself, which I think has helped me open up to her. She's so real, understanding, helpful and listens to me. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. But know in time, after the Medicare rebate has finished, I won't be able to afford to see her. Which is upsetting and out of my control.

I put an application in for UNI, got accepted and didn't know what to do. As I'm working FT (but hated my job, passion and drive was gone). I was so clueless, stuck quite like the metaphor "A fork stuck in the road". I quickly accepted the offer but had immense regret. I shared this with her as I felt if I chose uni, as a FT student I would be neglecting my parenting responsibilities and solely relying on gov handouts OR chose to continue working, despite hating it and regretting not studying. I was so lost, confused and didn't want to be a failure as a parent. If anything, I'm trying my hardest to be a good role model for my child.

She has helped me come to terms with my decision, although I'm still quite hesitant and uni is literally around the corner. Last Monday, put in my resignation for work and they're aware of me leaving. It's sad, I'm still full of regret but that could possible be me being me and feeling like I've failed them. I am constantly putting everyone else's needs before my own. It's exhausting, mentally.

It wasn't an easy decision to give up work, especially when they're so hard to come by. But the double-degree doesn't offer night classes and requires workshop days throughout the week. And work weren't prepared to give me PT hours as my role is a FT position.

I knew what I was getting myself into when I applied, just didn't hit me until it happened. Now!

When I was married, my husband disapproved me going to uni, get an education etc. he made it loud and clear that my only duties was to be a parent, a wife and was 100% housebound (domestic duties etc), and to work in the family business. And despite I was already at uni when we met, I was unable to continue it. Huge regret.

I feel I have missed out on so much being a parent. Especially being the only parent, working FT and my child tells me daily that I'm missed. It's heartwrenching, so much guilt and feeling as though I've failed. Missing out on so much of the achievement, I felt I needed to be there many years ago, but I'm only one-person.

But looking upwards and onwards. Financially it's going to be a struggle, and allot of things we will now have to miss out on. But it's a worthy sacrifice as a means to achieve in something I have always wanted to do with my life. I'd be sacrificing me, not my child, to which will have the necessities just not the luxuries.

Also, applied to Austudy payment - accepted. The money in comparison is a massive difference. But at least I will be focusing on a better future for both my child and myself. And FINALLY doing something for me - as selfish as that may sound.

Now getting that all out. I'm feeling relieved. Like I've taken a load from my life, emptied it out and no longer feel attached to the negativity. I'm now going to get on with my Saturday, get the child motivated (wish me luck, teenagers) and we're going to head out on an adventure, possible up the mountain side, enjoy a swim in the lake and breath in some much needed fresh air.

Thanks lovelies for listing. I feel now it was more a vent than a question. I'm surprised how CCC I am now. Enjoy your Saturday (or whichever day you see this when it gets posted). I feeling so blessed.