I feel wrong for even feeling like this so please don't be to unkind..
Has anyone struggled to enjoy their step children when pregnant?
Today (although it's been a rough pregnancy and rough week and I'm quite moody with lots of health issues) I feel like I resent him. Although it's mostly cause of my partners actions but it's not the first time I have felt like this. I feel awful for feeling like this tho! :(
Today my partner knowing we don't have a car went to take his son to a morning lesson and was supposed to be back within 2ish hours which was totally fine as I wasn't feeling well so gave me time to rest before we left the house but we only have his son a couple days a week and our boys love spending time together. Anyway he rings a couple hours later saying he has taken him to go to a swimming pool to have fun most the day without us.. Which I would also be fine with if we had a car, food in the house or if we were invited or if we were invited and even dropped them off to have fun together having daddy time so my son and I could go enjoy another activity and sunshine. They also went and had mcdonalds and chocolate.. Instead ... My son and I were left at home with no bread or food in the house for lunch or anything (I planned on popping to the shops before lunch) literally all we had was watermelon in the fridge and fruit bread but just ran out of jam.. My son was so upset when they left in the morning and that he couldn't go and was so excited to do something with them which he also thought wouldn't take long as I kept reassuring him they wouldn't be long to then be let down... (Just turned 3yo).. His son spoilt and having fun while mine was left home with not much to do and having to wait hours for proper lunch while eating what little food we had. This isn't the first time.
I felt like it was just really inconsiderate.. Maybe I'm wrong and over reacting but my son was truely upset and I think it was quite unfair. I went down the shops and brought him his own kinder surprise to eat infront of everyone as he missed out on everything and I felt so bad for him. :(
I'm now super grumpy at my partner but also feeling a little resentment towards his son who I adore and love as my own 99% of the time. His son is quite spoilt and bratty sometimes as his dad gives in being that he doesn't have him every day but he has been acting worse lately with the need to compete which is normal for his age also (4yo) and with new baby on the way he's also I guess feeling more competive and acting out but he then come home to rub it in my sons face too :(
Our kids are opposites as are me and my partner and I suppose I have this hidden fear our newborn will be more like my partner and son than myself and my son.. I obviously want our child to have all our good traits mixed into him/her and not the bad.. Haha.
I'm not letting his son see that I'm feeling this way or anything but it feels like a fake forced happy and nice.. Which I'm sure he senses and makes me feel worse..
Is this just normal with pregnancy hormones and fears? And with the pressure and I suppose fear of having 3 kids? Also with his acting up more lately things get tense.. Or is this just appart of step parenting?
I never felt like this before being pregnant. I want to fully enjoy him even when I'm annoyed at his dad. Hoping I never feel like this again after pregnancy!!
I don't really know what answers I'm after. Guess I'll get some telling me I'm horrible like I feel already but hoping other mums have felt the same? Or advice how to just not feel this way? Even if I'm over reacting and acting selfish or silly which I'm sure I'm slightly over reacting, how do I get over these feelings to make sure I don't feel this way again?
I'm not needing advice on my partner, he knows I'm angry.
I'm more worried about my step son having to sense I'm feeling this way when it's not his fault and he's so young. :(
10 Replies
To add.. I did leave the house to go shopping and calm myself down when they got home so he didn't have to see much of me feeling this way.
Also my sons not perfect nor am I a perfect parent and my child can act spoilt brat sometimes too as can any. So I'm not trying to pick on my step sons faults. Just things have been a bit more tense and difficult for him I think with baby coming.
You need to focus your anger on your thoughtless inconsiderate partner!!!
It sounds like your relationship needs some work. It sounds like your family hasn't really meshed yet and that your parenting styles aren't in sync. They need to be. Both children are under 5 so they should have the same rules (age appropriate).
Yeah your partner was a total jerk taking his son to the swimming pool without letting you know first and checking if you needed something. I don't believe it was a spur of the moment decision, because he would have needed towels and bathers etc! I'd rip him a new one. I'm all for bio kids needing 1:1 time with bio parent, but the way he did it was Wrong. He is not a single man anymore.
So yeah focus on your partner because your step son has Zero control over his dad.
I totally agree with you! We have so much to work on but my partner is sometimes impossible. We haven't had much time for our family to mesh together properly (iv known my partner 9years but we haven't been together as a family for a to long) so we are still working on that and it is hard when we don't have his son all the time. I think he has realised more lately that he sometimes treats his son different to mine. And I have same rules for both kids but he sort of doesn't.
He feels a lot of guilt tho being that he doesn't have his son all the time which I think is more why he treats him slightly different. I don't agree with it tho and do bring it up a lot and we do discuss our parenting a bit. So hopefully we will be on the same page eventually!
Yes he took swimming gear cause he was supposed to take his son to swimming lessons which he didn't plan properly and he didn't enrol his son properly but then lied and said he got him in at a different pools which is an hour away and just so happens to have water slides ect. And he got there 2hrs after leaving home so he had time to pick us before or get us some shopping.
But he didn't make a effort to inform me.. At all..
I'm totally all for 1 on 1. I encourage it but yes he went about it all wrong. My son and I have dropped them off at these pools before and gone and done stuff so he knew we could have done that again.
But yes very right my step son had no control over it. It was all his dad absolutely. But his dad actually kinda blamed his son cause he's constantly requesting to only be with his dad alone lately so his dad tried to make me feel guilty so I'm guessing that's maybe where some of my feelings where coming from. Not that it justified me feeling this way at all and it's no excuse cause it's all his dad. His son is having a tough time with our situation the poor thing. So get it if my partner felt guilty about his son and wanted to do something special ect but yer very inconsiderate for the rest of us and I guess it scares me for when new baby comes. Like I don't want to be left stranded with no formula or something which I can totally see him doing. Sigh we have lots to work on...
It isn't the childs fault, I agree with that. But being me, also overly emotional because I'm 30 weeks pregnant, I'd need to calm my arse down before I done the same thing in return, in turn hurting his child but more so to get back at him.
Non pregnant me, would just wait till the kids are asleep and rip him a new one for being an inconsiderate prick.
Just saying, I would NOT do the first option, I'm just saying the thought would cross my mind so I'd have to calm down before opening my mouth.
This is exactly what I'm worried about with my partner, except he has no children to previous relationships, but I'm worried he will do this with our child together and not involve my child. Which is unfair on the kids.
Also I wouldn't say his son "rubbed it in your sons face" so to speak, he was being a kid, when my son gets to do something with someone he goes on about it for days.
Haha yes I'm all over the shop. I don't deal with hormones well.
I agree tho.
His son does rub things in my sons face tho. Not to be a real nasty bully but he knows it teases and upsets my son. He does it with lots of things. LOL. His sons not a typical 4yo he is extremely smart! Like I mean could be classed as gifted.
But yes did come home and rub it in my sons face to get a reaction. I remember my brothers doing it to me and me doing it to my brothers at that age haha. Kids can be jerks but his sons not malicious or anything but it did upset my son and make me feel sad for my son. Would have been fine if he just generally talked about what he did that day and was happy excited about it and wanted to share but it wasn't like that unfortunately but kids will be kids I guess. Lol.
I can't be mad at him for acting like a typical big brother and shit stirring. Haha. Was not my day sigh.
It may be some of your pregnancy contributing these feelings, however I feel reading this you need more communication in your relationship and it would be a good idea to plan the day ahead. So the night before bed see what needs to be done ( housework, groceries, appointments) for tomorrow and communicate with your partner about this. That way you both are more prepared for the day, instead of being left stranded and hungry.
We did try plan the day. He was to goto swimming lessons, come home so we could do a little shop as he knew there was no food in the house and we were then supposed to go do something special as a family that day being his son got a couple hours with his dad in the morning. It's only 1 of the special things they do together. But my son was especially excited and happy to spend time with them or just even go in the car with them that day which is why it was supposed to be family day. Plus the weather was amazing. But my partner just basically took off without trying to inform me at all and when I finally rang him wondering where he was hours later he was an hour away doing the fun activity when he had 2hrs down in our area before the fun activity to either pick us up or bring us food but he didn't. But that day it seemed he intentionally didn't inform me and did it. It's like it was to much of a hassle for him to drive 15mins back home for us.. But it's a common occurrence! Not with his son but just being inconsiderate.
It's something we constantly have a tiff about at the moment unfortunately. It makes me very nervous about it for our new baby. Can only imagine him leaving us stranded with no formula or something. :-/
Thanks to those who replied on here and Facebook. I think it was an emotional hormonal day. However those on Facebook please read that I have absolutely no issue with dad spending 1 on 1 with his son! I encourage it but would have like a bit more planning and thought from my partner. We have discussed it and hopefully this doesn't happen again.
It was also inpossobile for me to get to the shops with no car and being pregnant with complications recently we have literally been just buying the food we need for a couple days as getting around the shops has been to much for me and sending my partner with a big list is like sending a man into a tampon isle. Lol. I also never wanted to take anything out on his son or be angry at him but my stupid pregnancy hormones seem to make it hard for me not to feel like that as much as I try. Only a few more weeks to baby so hopefully I'll be back to my loving self again soon. Thanks for all your advice and support.
Oh and I also feel terrible about the kinder surprise! I did it mostly to cheer my son up cause his son come home with one and the toy and the toy from his maccas which my son wanted.
It wasn't that my step son missed out on one it was that my son did. And me and his dad did say you just had yours before. He understood and was fine. However maybe that was still wrong of me...?
My step son also spends lots of 1 on 1 with his son but lately he wants his dad all to himself which I do understand being there is a new baby coming and he has to share his dad with my son. But I'm also trying to make sure things are fair on both kids but also don't want my step son thinking he can have his dad all to himself all the time being we are a family. But certainly he needs 1 on 1 sometimes. We don't ever do anything special without his son with my son and I don't get to have special day 1 on 1 with my son either so I think that annoyed me a little bit too. My partner seems to always have the car and it makes it impossible for me and my son... However I explained all this to my partner and I'm hoping he understood. He did 1 on 1 today with his son today and informed me even tho I was in hospital so didn't need to use the car and my son was happy at home with my mum with food in the house I should mention haha and when we come home and got some go buckets (my craving after hospital food) we brought my son home one also so he didn't miss out!
My partner is very much a man thinker tho and I'm sure he didn't think or use his brain more than anything but it happens more often than I can count when it comes to being inconsiderate. Anyway I regret my feelings towards his son and have tried to make up for it. I really do think it was my hormones and bad day. I'm not jealous at all of his son. He's a sweety and certainly doesn't deserve to sense how I was feeling. I feel soooo so bad for it! Hence why I asked for help. Thanks sisterhood for those who understood and gave great advice rather than judge. It means the world!!
You sound like a lovely lady who just had a bad day. I'm like a monster when I'm hungry!!just something I want to point out to you as a bio mum with kids who see their dad regularly. You are comparing one on one time with you and your son and your partner and your son, but it's like comparing apples with oranges. just remember this, your son sees you both every day. He is an only child with you guys, he has one on one time ALL the time. When you tuck him into bed at night, when your partner mows the lawn with him, when you take him to the shops, your sons life is made up of one on one moments with you both.How often does your step son visit, once a week? You are implying that him wanting one on one time with his dad all the time isn't fair for you and your son? But really consider that, really compare the time your son gets day in day out with his time. I'm not saying it should always be one on one time, you are a family, but I really want you to consider all the moments every day your son gets with your partner. Don't ever compare apples with oranges, because it just isn't fair.