Does anyone else have family that don't help or offer support? They love your kids and are part of your lives but are never really there if you need them?
It's not often that I ask for help, especially nowadays as I know the answer is likely to be no, followed by what feels like an excuse. This evening however, my husband and I have a meeting with our eldest's teacher, so I asked my mum if she could watch Mr. 10 months for an hour or so, just so we could really focus and not worry about him getting bored or disruptive. She responded with "Na, I'm too tired", and it was kind of like how dare I even ask.
When my son was younger I really struggled, I told mum I believed I had PPD and she scoffed, told me I had nothing to be depressed about and there are people out there whose lives are so much worse. We ended up in a huge argument and didn't speak for weeks because all I wanted was a bit of support from my mum, a bit of motherly advice or even just a hug, but apparently that was far too much to ask for.
What do you reckon fellow mum's? Any advice and perhaps different perspectives would be much appreciated.
8 Replies
I have the kind of mum who can only be focused on one of her children at a time. She would have been a fantastic parent of an only child. Problem is, there are three children ?.
So basically she dedicates her energy, time thoughts etc to ONE. If I rang her today I would have to listen to a 30 minute in depth description of my youngest sister, and then she would hang up without letting me talk about what's going on here or discussing my other sister. She will have no interest in socialising with me for at least the next 6 months and if we did all she would talk at me about is my youngest sister.
The sister of focus changes every few years but to the exclusion of all others!
My mother is very similar toward me but not towards my sisters. I have learnt after constant rejection, things thrown back in my face and the hurt to distance myself from her. She gets very basic information from me about how my family is doing. I dont even ask her for anything anymore not a single thing because the answer is usually no and if its a yes she will use it against me at a later date. It was even that bad when i was admitted to hospital for a suicide attempt after giving birth i told my sister not to tell her because I didnt want to hear what a selfish mother, wife, sister and daughter I am later on down the track.
Find and have on quick dial a good babysitter for when these instances come up. Your mum might have been tired, she might be drawing boundaries that she is comfortable with or she might be being a bitch. Either way it's a lot easier to just ask someone else. How you feel after her answer is not necessarily how she meant for you to feel, I get this a bit too - take things to heart too easily but I recognise it and work through it. It really sucks not being supported by someone that you love when you need them but I have learned it's not deliberate. If someone hasn't experienced what you're going through they will struggle to sympathize and in some cases will flat out refuse to acknowledge. I was diagnosed with depression and my partner was zero help, he's not a bad guy it's just outside his comfort zone and I respect that. I spread my need further and my best friend was my constant support person. Rely on her less, wish it were otherwise for sure, but she's showing you what you can expect from her.
My mother is very similar! She's a very selfish negative woman. Always acts like best grandmother around others, but when push comes to shove she's never there when any of us need her.
We only see her on special occasions and not because she wants to but because she feels entitled to have us around (it doesn't always work out her way and she chucks a tanty tears and all like a child!)
Sorry I needed that vent haha!
It really is horrible to see so many in the same situation :(
I've made a pact to not turn out like my mother. To be supportive and encouraging of my children no matter what decisions they make.
Talk about all the helpful things other family or friends do for you, might make her jealous, and step up?
But in all seriousness, set up a support network of people you like, trust and can rely on. Is there a young person nearby who could be a regular babysitter for a few bucks?
nope! not alone! we have twins and its always a hassle for my mum to watch the kids. we've stopped asking as the last time my parents watched them as soon as we got in the door they were out! also my mother pulled out from having the kids the night of my wedding!!! as she couldnt have "screaming kids" (they were 21 months at the time) as my dad had to work the next day! just recently she has said she is happy to help ONLY because my husband is in Darwin (we're moving there soon). she wouldnt have offered if he was here. that pissed me off. all of a sudden she wants to help out. would have been nice a few months ago!
My mother told me clearly prior to having my first child "Don't ask me to babysit - I've raised my kids, I'm not raising yours". She said this while briefly glancing at the 4D scan photos I had brought along to our catch up - she then closed the folder and threw it on the counter. So seeing as my husband and I have no family in the town we live in I literally had not one person I could ask for help. I eventually had enough and stopped talking to her all together.
I could have written this. I get the 'but I'm too tired' or 'you always ask when I've got to do stuff' but she can go partying every weekend. We got into a tiff just after my eldest was born, she deleted the only photos of her being born because I shouldn't have deleted her off Facebook. All of my friends wonder why I still speak to her, i honestly don't know. I feel your pain.