My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years we have children together , baby twins.
He has children to his ex wife.
They have been divorced for 5 years.
What gets to me is where do my rights start. It seems as the ex wife and mother of his kids she feels she has the right to do things that make me very uncomfortable.
Eg. When she picks up the kids she always has a go at him. Saying if he had not cheated they would still be together and happy.
She screams things at him like i bet she's not the only girl you are sleeping with.
and she calls me "it" as in she will say better get in side to it.
I hope its good in bed...
He always asks her to stop but its getting to me. I find it disrespectful. He is with me and she needs to let it go.
I think she regrets breaking up with him as why is she still talking about jt?
I am not the other woman I met him 2 years after they divorced
Should I say something or leave it?
7 Replies
I'd say something to your husband about the possibility of having any pick ups or drop offs occur in a public area. This way, he can walk off when she starts one of her rants.
At the very least, I'd be asking him to pick up and drop off the children from her residence.
There's no way I'd let that woman in or near my home. You have a right for feel safe in your own house.
You absolutely need to say something to your fiancée. His exes behaviour is totally innapropriate no matter what happened. It's extremely damaging to the children.
Your fiancée needs to organise pick ups and drops offs in a neutral public location. If that doesn't work a third party will need to do it. This is for the benefit of the children and you. No child should have to hear that!
As someone that was cheated on i would say she doesnt regret breaking up with him, shes angry at him that she was forced to. Shes angry at him and jealous and spitting over the fact that he gets to go make a new life leaving her in a hole.
and shes obviously not dealt with it because shes letting it make her act bitter and beneath herself instead of moving on. Is she suffering in ways you can see? Financially? Job wise? Care for kids? I guess family support and relationships.
But the fact is its not your job to be her punching bag. If someone cant act nice on drop off and pickup, theyre not welcome at your house. That was my rule with my own ex. Hate around the kids is not ok. She may never like you both but using contact due to children to be nasty aggressive and demeaning to the other is just not ok.
Sounds like you should just say you'd prefer that she keeps her resentment to herself and that she should separate her relationship with your partner as being over for a reason. They are the parents and she's got to get over it. Sometimes bickering needs to be pointed out and that it's inappropriate on school grounds. Especially when she is involving others who have nothing to do with it at all.
My recently separated ex cheated with his current partner and I thought we were figuring things out until confronted him and later spoke to her New Years. After being extremely angry for a week and hurt then just grieving for days, I found it very hard to just deal with his behaviour and my insecurities that I had to just STOP. I don't know why she thinks that you were the other person involved but she's obviously got a lot of resentment and insecurities surrounding her ex. I refuse to speak to mine and lost my temper the other day when he implied that he has asked nicely to stop contacting him when a week before he was wanting friends but now thinks I'm trying to sabotage his relationship and is being victimised. Look, drama. Who needs this bull shit?
Just tell her she's obviously resentful of their previous relationship but it's over and doesn't involve or have anything to do with you. That it's not appropriate to discuss on school grounds or in public because not only is it embarrassing but what did EVERYONE ELSE DESERVE to hear this, including children about sex lives and intimate knowledge of adults? If it becomes a problem, complain to the school and say if she can't rein it in for everyone else's sake then security might need to escort her off the property or she might need to wait elsewhere or you might need to adjust pick ups and drop offs.
It's not fair that you have to deal with her issues, but you must remember, these are her issues, not yours.
I'm not sure that pick up and drop off in a public place is a good thing for the kids, but you really should avoid being seen by her...and being able to see or hear her. Maybe you could simply be at the back of the house when she is there to pick up the kids.
It sounds like your partner has tried to reason with her...maybe he just needs to hand over the kids with the minimum of interaction with her and not respond when she starts.
Depending on the age of children when their mum arrives to pick them up, you all kiss and hug them bye inside the house and let them walk out to their mum on their own. (As long as they are safe, not going onto roads etc) Make sure their mum sees dad opening the door to let them out but then shut it.
This way the adults don't need to communicate and the children don't need to listen to any arguing. If she arks up, pop your head out the door say another "bye, we love you see you soon" then shut the door - video all of this regardless if she goes off or not and video until they are in the car and driving off (proof that the children were always safe in case she wants to play games)
I'd tell him again how uncomfortable this situation is for you, and for him to come up with a solution.
One option would be the neutral territory pick up and drop off, as most others have already suggested. Option two is he drops off to her home and she drops off to your home, in both cases, you should not be with him. Changeover should be quick and easy, no communication to take place. Set up a communication book if required, or text/email.
I'd recommend option one to start with, while she is still so angry and hurt, it means she hopefully won't be as triggered from seeing you, the twins and his new 'love nest'. And maybe she doesn't ever see you, it might just be the thought of him living a new life in 'that' house with 'it'.
I don't think it's the right time, nor your responsibility to reach out to her. That is something she needs to do, once she is further along the grieving process.
If he can't communicate these required changes to her on his own, then go to mediation and get it all documented officially, write a parenting plan if there isn't one.
I certainly would not accept negativity and abuse in or near me and my kids. Talk to him. He needs to deal with his own mess this cheating arse left behind. For your sake, I hope he's changed!