How do you all get your child to stop being naughty And behave. I have a beautiful little girl who's 4 soon. She's starting kindy and she has been in daycare too. Her behaviour never was this bad.
She now will chuck things at me or just around. I do not do this EVER. She will hit me. Literally follow me to hit me. I do not smack. I have on the odd occasion tapped her hand and said no. If she's not happy she will chuck her bowl of breakfast, she'll chuck her cup of milk, anything that's in reach. She will scream at me just argh but over and over. She'll spit At me. She'll take her arms out her car seat and reach forward trying to hit me. Or she'll try kicking instead or try grabbing something and throw it at me. It's so dangerous and I just ignore and keep driving as I need to concentrate on the road.
She will run away from me at the shops and hide. I had a heart attack today as I thought she hid behind a pole but she wasn't there she'd entered a shop and was hiding. My heart stopped I was so scared. She will hit me in the shops if she doesn't get her way I can't keep her in a trolly she just climbs out. She refuses to get into the car I have to push her down to get the buckle done up. While she's screaming and hitting me. She tells me she doesn't care. She follows me around hitting me. I'm feeling so lost. She never used to be like this. I've tried time out I can not and I mean can not get her to stay there unless I was to literally hold her down, I've tried putting her in her room she comes out. I did this for hours on end putting her back it wasn't ending at all, I even closed the door and stood on the other side holding the door for a few minutes. I've tried time in. Where I just sit with her showing her I'm there even in her moment of emotional struggle. I've said no. I've taken her favourite toys. She tells me I don't care I'll have this instead. Even tried taking that she normally just gets something else or goes I don't care I'll watch it tomorrow or play with it tomorrow or later however long I've taken it for. I've taken her favourite movies away, her most favourite toy, I've explained how it feels, I've said no, I've ignored her, I've not let her go to nanny's for a day we see them regularly, no pool. She doesn't care at all not one little bit she'll scream louder and louder. She'll refuse to walk and I'm left trying to hold her while she's lashing out at me to get her to the car, in the door, etc etc.
I'm a single mummy whose feelin very lost. I tried a parenting programe I followed that it didn't make a difference.
I think I know where it comes from possibly and it's her dads behaviour. He used to abuse me, she witnessed theses, he would call me names, he tells her at visits shit about me, he misses visits, he misses calls, he puts work and holidays before his visits yet tells her he's never busy for her. Her behaviour has gotten worse since I set a regular visiting and phone call schedule. It's been that way for around 6 months now. She didn't have contact for about a month and a half at one point and even daycare noticed the change (she was going 5 days a week at this stage) in her when the visits started again. She's also had a lot of health issues about 9 surgeries in 6 months. She's got a hearing loss (this is under investigation with a specalist). I've given up work and stayed at home full time for around the last 6 months so she's only attended daycare one day. I'm returning very soon to shorter hours.
She does activities swimming, horse riding. I've made her miss a horse lesson for her behaviour. That hasn't helped.
She does this stuff to others as well just not as bad as with me. So it's not just a me issue. I miss the beautiful little girl I used to have. I'm feeling so lost. I don't know where I've gone wrong. I play with her, I make her play on her own, we've got loads of things outside and inside for her to use her imagination. I play games with her, I cuddle her, I tell her I love her, I speak to her about how it makes me sad when she hits me, I tell her i love her when she's happy, when she's sad, angry etc etc. she'll pick up younger children have one around there neck one there waist. She's not harming them but she just doesn't comprehend do not pick them up for one and two do not pick them up like that. It's not an aggression thing she's literally just trying to pick them up. I never leave her unsupervised. Yet she's gentle and holds there hand crossing the road or car park she'll share etc
She can't sit still she'll be watching a movie or Tv she has to be moving or fidgeting. Bed time she struggles to lay still so it takes her longer to go to sleep. She is so full on all day every day. I love her and that will never change I just feel like I've tried so many options. Shes very strong willed. I've tried to set boundaries and I say no and I try to do things to stop the behaviour. I don't want to take her out because she's always so naughty. Some people say it's my fault because I've allowed the behaviour but I haven't. I've disaplined her in so many ways to try to correct the behaviour but none work. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Am I doing something wrong? What have you tried that's worked? She's not always like this she does have great moments and but the bad moments outweigh the good.
Childs behaviour
Childs behaviour
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids
10 Replies
Time to get the professionals involved. Don't ignore her behaviour. It's time to rule out everything and get support from the experts. Peadiatrician And child psychologist.
I agree with the previous poster - paediatrician assessment would be a good first step. Xx
We have seen a paediatrician and also a social worker. But no suggestions have helped. They said psychologist is just play based it doesn't change the behaviours they just play and try and get the child to talk. It's more an emotional outlet for them if I wasn't able to cope supporting her emotionally.
Actually that is incorrect. If you see a behavioural psychologist they can help you work on behaviours. They can help you find techniques that work for your child. But it would need to be a behavioural psychologist.
So I really don't know why they told you that.
PS I used to work in a psychology clinic as a therapy assistant so I have done this work for 15 years.
Oh right so how do know the difference? Is a behavioural psychologist easy to locate? I did have a referral but was suggested j can support her emotionally so probably would've be beneficial.
What sorts of things do they do to help her?
I legit feel like I've tried every option ? I've even yelled at her and she didn't even care. She doesn't get her iPad only if we're going to appointments or something. So she's not having technology all day everyday. I just feel so lost and I can see a pattern with her behaviour and dads visits or calls. Yesterday was a visit I went to the set place and she asked am I having a visit I did say I'm not sure to her. He didn't show. Ever since she's been really bad. She hadn't seen him in a couple of weekends and she hadn't been too bad. She had her normal child moments but overall wasn't too bad. She had limited contact in those two weeks I think two phone calls. We were on holidays and her behaviour was great except normal child things like over tired one day from a big day while away. But it's getting to a point I almost want to stop visits.
He tells her he's going to take her, tired to get her to go into the play equipment say from mummy and tells her stuff, outright says come play away from mummy, tells her it's my fault he missed a visit even tho he planned his holiday on her visit day and I wasn't able to reschedule. I'm not perfect I do yell at her at times etc but i don't say shit to her about him to screw with her poor head. He should say sorry I'm missing the visit I'm going on holiday I'll see you at the next one. She doesn't ask for him maybe an odd Occassion. But if she's upset I got her in trouble she'll cry for my mum or my sisters. I'm just feeling so lost and it's making me not want to spend time with her cuz it's exhausting. I do play with her still and put my feelings aside but I do stop if she starts hitting etc
Firstly they can discuss specific behaviours, they may even get you to record the behaviours, or they sometimes will come to the home to observe the behaviours. They can then give you strategies to help with those behaviours. I've even known psychologists to go shopping with parents so they can teach the parent strategies to prevent the child absconding etc.
you could just google behavioural psychologists or psychologists,most have websites these days so you will get an idea about what they do. Give them a call/talk to receptionist. You can then just ask your GP for a referral.
Even though your daughter doesn't have autism/ADHD etc one that works with kids with those conditions would do the kind of thing you need.
Take her to a doctor. Visit a psychologist. Get help for you both now.
yes a child psychologist is play based - that means they analyse the child through the most appropriate means of communicating with a child -play. They dont only play and talk though, theyre studying and from that they will be able to offer you their take on the situation, give ideas, and strategies and help you decide what and how to implement them and follow up. Definitely worth trying.
There are a few likely reasons she's lashing out like this: it's hard for her to communicate and frustrating that she can't hear well; she's feeling like she needs to be heard and understood and this is the only way she knows. If you give more attention for negative behaviours she's more likely to use these to get your attention. Or, like you say, her dad's behaviour has rubbed off on her. It's probably a combination, but even kids who haven't witnessed family violence will hit out if frustrated or cornered.
A paediatrician appointment and referral to a psychologist would be a good start, as well as continuing to pursue and investigate her health issues BUT a change in the way you're dealing with this should help too. Don't shout, don't punish. When she hits out, put your hands up, step back and say something like "I will not let you hit me." "You can be mad, but I won't let you hit." "Food is not for throwing, let's clean this up together." Be on her side, and help her. Show her safer ways of expressing frustration. Punching pillows, throwing a (soft) ball, or an appropriate toy OUTSIDE. When my 5 year old gets cross and I feel my frustration rising too we punch pillows and roar like lions - it's funny and normally by the second or third roar we're giggling. It's our job as parents to show our kids the right way to behave, not punish when they do the wrong thing.
Remember, your child is not giving you a hard time, she is HAVING a hard time. Work with her, be on her side.
Her hearing and health are improving greatly and the last surgery so far has been a success. Which is good. She has another hearing test soo tho.
I try to go with her emotions and try my best to understand. It's really difficult with her emotions about her dad because he's lied and what am I meant to say when she goes he said he's never busy. He is busy so I say daddy is busy so you'll see/talk at the next time. She doesn't understand that and it's really not fair on her. I just wish he would say stupid shit to screw with her head. It's not fair on her.
I did think maybe it's normal behaviour but we've been around others close friends and family and non of their children do any of this to the extent that my daughter does. Yes kids do hit etc but this isn't normal children behaviour. She even smirks on the odd occasion after I've said no. Or stop you can't hit me.
I might try the pillow thing. I might get a pillow and have a certain one for her to use to take her anger out on. I don't want her to grow up thinking this is ok behaviour. I've stuck to things for weeks at a time and it still hasn't corrected it.
I will look into a psychologist as well. I'll start doing some research for some good ones in the area. I want to help her as best I can. If her dad was onboard with not doing things like this I think maybe it wouldn't be so hard. He goes no daddy said its ok don't listen to mummy if I say no to something at a visit. Or ask mummy she'll say no.
Thanks you for your advice x
Stop focusing on the dad, you can't control that. Don't tell her about any scheduled or planned visits, that way she won't be disappointed. When he does show up or call, it will be a surprise. The fact that she isn't asking for him is good, it obviously isn't on her mind. If he treats you like crap in her presence, you need to be tough with her and teach her it isn't on and maybe say something to him at the time. The fact she can't lay still to go to sleep and watch TV sounds like it isn't related to the father, more a behavioural issue, make sure you document everything so you can tell the professionals.