Does anyone else have this?
Back story: My parents were 'battlers'. Always worked. But bottom rung jobs, with no desire to ever improve on their lives. Or aim any higher with their careers. They never traveled (we didn't have a single holiday as a child). Drove bomby cars (not something I care about - just information). They were very religious (Christian) and it did and still does consume them. Mum believes the world is going to end soon (think Armageddon) and has been telling me so since I was a toddler. Basically feels that any material quest for 'more' - whether that be career or monetary is fruitless, as we're all going to die shortly (yep). I also come from a big family. 5 sisters and brothers. We grew up broke. So never had any opportunities. Not a single music lesson, swimming lesson, or out of school activity... that wasn't free at the library. Now, I'm not angry about this, as I know my parents couldn't afford anything. But what does annoy me, is the utter lack of care and support in so many areas. One year I had 30 days off in a SEMESTER. I was allowed a day off whenever I wanted. My little sister was even worse. Somehow, despite this, I still managed to get straight A's. I had no support ever. I genuinely felt alone whenever I wanted to try really hard to succeed at anything. She'd give me a little smile maybe. But not a single word of encouragement and has never said she was proud of me. Dad barely talks to any of his kids. Weird man.
Add my siblings to the mix - 3 out of 5 are bogans. And I don't mean the laughable larrikin type. I mean the loser, bumming of centrelink type. Absolutely no drive. Even worse than my parents. Because they were at least hard workers. But two of my sisters haven't worked in 2 decades. Just popped out kids. They are terrible mothers. I have distanced myself from them entirely as I can't handle all the drama that comes with them. But I grew up around them as they were all older than me. I feel very stressed even thinking about my childhood. My parents just didn't care. They fed us. Clothed us. And bought us what we needed... But that was it really. My Mum isn't horrible. She's just very distant and enables slack behaviour.
Anyway, now as an adult, I've realised that I genuinely have a fear of being successful. Hopefully this doesn't sound arrogant... But I've always been a smart, artistic and I'm a really hard worker. I know that if I knuckle down, that I will succeed. But I hold myself back! I don't know why I do this! I've never seen "success". I don't know a single person in my life that has ever been one. Don't know a single person with a degree or a flourishing business etc. I have built a little business myself. I should be proud of it, I guess. But it's not flourishing yet. I just feel like I constantly throw my potential down the toilet because of a fear to be better than I am. Anyone else ever felt this way? I know I need to adapt a "Just Do It' mentality... But I'm stuck in my head!
4 Replies
Nope you don't need to adapt the just do it mentality! That mentality is a terrible mentality, leading to more negative thoughts.
What you are going through is really normal for someone from your background. I've seen it in portions of my own family. My auntie, was a lot like your family except she never sent her kids to school for longer than a term, she is now wondering why they can't stick at anything, and are unemployed.
Anyway, start by talking to a GP for a referral to a psychologist or similar. It's time to deal with your baggage that you are carrying around.
Psychologists can help with more practical support too. They can help you emotionally get yourself together and hand hold you through finding a business mentor or similar.
I'd also look on the meet-up app. There is often a self employed people's group,mth at get together to help keep each other on track.
I used to work in making university available to everybody and this is one huge barrier. People dont feel worthy, feel its for others not them, and even feel shame and rejection at wanting to be different (seen as better than) their community or family.
trying to do something when you arent encouraged, supported or it causes problems is really hard to break through.
you are not alone.
My partner has been a huge influence in the direction my life has taken, my definition of success might be a lot different to many but it works for me. I came from a DV family. Father worked and doled out the discipline. Mother cooked, cleaned and otherwise kind of just cruised along in a brainfog. A few adults early on seemed to take an interest but it didn't end well so I turned off and inward. Being a girl in a family where girls/women were useless other than for keeping house and making babies to the point I wasn't even taught how to drive, I really didn't ever expect to amount to much. I'm not aiming to be a millionaire or drive a Lambo but just to live comfortably, be able to help our son out if he needs it and give a little to charity.
What I have learned along the way was to not worry too much about failure - it's not the success you're scared of, it's trying and failing because then you lose hope and think you're not going to make it. Failure isn't a bad thing if you learn the lesson and move on. None of us like it but it's kind of necessary. That fear of failure, it doesn't go away you just have to learn to bypass it and try anyway. One of my biggest fears is that despite all of my hard work I feel like my success has been too easy! That I'll be found to be a fraud and lose everything, how freakin bizarre is that! I've read though that it is quite common too. Get out there and give it your all. If you fall, get back up, dust yourself off and try a different tactic - just don't give up trying. Good luck IM.
Original poster here. Thank you for your responses. They actually genuinely made me feel better. Often feel like my feelings are overly dramatic and unjustified or something. But they are real. And that was the experience of my childhood, despite my mother's best intentions. Appreciate your replies.