I've read a lot of questions and comments on this forum relating to "fathers right" , I'm left feeling conflicted , on one one hand there seems to be no hesitation in telling a woman to leave a toxic environment / person for her own protection and mental and physical well being but it seems that in the same breathe these women are also getting the message that these men should have complete and unfettered access to their children , when it seems that a lot of them are really no more than sperm donors .
So I'm questioning WHY .
WHy is a man who is toxic ,abbusive ,manipulative ,narsasistic who gaslights and all the other terrible things that they have put their partners and children through automatically entitled to the kids . How is this behaviour in the best interest of the child .
Do people think that they will suddenly be kind even tempered honest men around the kids once the relationship ends .
Is it not better to form and foster healthy male relationship with uncles or grandparents or teachers then to have the kids around these men who are toxic on so many levels .
When do we go this behaviour is unacceptable and unhealthy for kids to be around .
( I Ve left a toxic ,horribly manipulative marriage with my very young children,who father has consistently lied to the kids , lied to me about the kids while in his care ,not shown up for visits not called , I've accommodated and never kept kids away , but I'm getting worried about how this pattern of neglect and emotional distance will affect them and their relationship later in life
Thanks for reading and for constructive input .
9 Replies
???? if they havent been there they dont understand and in my view need to stfu how dare they add more blame and guilt.
I totally agree with you, but unfortunately the court system in Australia doesn't agree ? if we were in the U.S this behaviour from either parent is taken far more seriously and contact would be severely limited to supervised or no contact.
Im in australia, i had a psychologist guide me through going no contact.
Years later discussing him with another psychologist they said that a parent needs to be 'good' about 30% of the time to be worthwhile keeping contact. Of course that would depend greatly on other things like what was happening in the other 70%
I always advise to seek counselling to guide you through its really hard when you cant see clearly and have to be the one making the reactive choices.
Why are you saying this to me? I'm not the OP
It's the same women who make the same comments, REGARDLESS of the individual circumstances. They should leave this page and join "Dads in distress" or similar.
I have kept my 2 kids away from their biofather since i left him 13.5 years ago. My reason being he didnt give a flyingfuck (excuse the language) if i was holding one when of them whilst throwing me into a wall. Thank fuck that was the time (bub was 3mths old) the police was called and a avo was put against him for myself and the kids. My kids(now teenagers) know about him and what happened truthfully and in recent years have had the option to get to know him through email/letters but have chosen not to and i respect that. He is now a convicted drug dealer on house arrest whilst i have married to an amazing man who love my kids and my kids love him. They are being shown what a healthy marriage and relationship is and how a man and women should treat each other.
Some men can be fucking shit partners but great dads. In the end as hard as it is the adults need to be the ones to put their shit aside and do the right thing for the kids which is contact with both parents unless one hass abused or is at risk abusing the child ( which is completely different from abusing the other parent). Its a very hard situation but no parent should keep the other from thier child if that child is at no risk, this seems to be something alot of ppl forget. Ppl can be shit partners and good parents. Sometimes you need to put your big girl pants on and sort out a way you feel safe for a drop off cause you may stop loving your partner but a child doesn't stop loving thier parent
?????
Have you EVER tried to put your shit aside in or just out of an abusive relationship? It doesnt work that way i cant believe you would tell someone to put their big girl pants on and get back in there. Do you realise what happens to the children while this goes on?
In fact it is HIS job to sort out a way to make a safe drop off/visit. Nobody is responsible for his relationship with his kids but him.
When do we draw the line , when is the mental health taken into account . A friend was thrown across a room and verbally abused infront of her children , yet they still said but he is a good dad . How , how how can a man who does this infront of children a good dad . I don't understand the reasoning .
How can hearing a man verbally abuse and control manipulate his partner in front of his kids a good father . Kids learn behaviours from their parents .
How many times do we hear of the abused becoming the abuser , alcoholic parents raise child more likely to be alcoholics .
I just don't get this but it his right to see his kids even if he is an abuser to his partner . So much talk about physical risk , the child is in no physical risk so it's ok .
I'm greatly concerned about the mental issues and the learned behaviours ,, kids learn what they see and hear .
Where is the line drawn