I resent my step child to the point I hate it when he comes over he's rude boss and damanding in every way possible never listen or will do what u ask u have to ask over n over n even then he mouths off
Yes he is odd and add but I think it has a lot to do with rules me have them mum don't she hates me which is fine I'm not needing her approval but I do everything for this child cook clean take to park and lots more I've helped him improve with school work swimming lessons and included him in all my other family days but now it's at the point I avoid my family just so they don't have to see how shit his behaviour is my child misses out also which isn't fair we try to reward good behaviour but their really isn't any not a full day ever and I'm so tired of inforcing basic rules like change your undies n socks wee in the toilet not the floor flush n wash hand brushing teeth is another big deal
I've never harmed him or done anything to be hated but lately I feel like walking away if he's going to be hear cause I know I'll be spoken to like shit and no matter what I say it will happen again the next day and the next day
13 Replies
Im going to say you have options of approaches. You seem focused on rules and 'improving him' but it wont happen if theres no relationship, and definitely if hes not capable and youre not understanding that - it will just lead to misery for you both.
sometimes you do really need to take a step back and give him space and seriously change the bar on your expectations - stay calm and give him space. Ask his mum for strategies and expectations.
His mum dosnt communicate to us and she's also admitted she double medicates him if she needs time out we provide him with a safe loving environment but he hates us all and is constantly saying it
I think the key is to do what mums doing but your ego wont let you. Your way is better by your ideals. But its not working is it.
It's so easy to blame the mum and assume things instead of feeling empathy towards the fact that she has to deal with this ALL the time and she may have some better strategies. Also, upsetting his routine and going to a second household probably wreaks havoc on the child and you probably see him at his worst.
And probably send him home so wound up from this that i could understand her trying to up his medicine just to manage it.
Im not saying its right but its trying to understand instead of judge. Its not fair to assume her standards of parenting is below us and we will do it differently and better. Its not fair on the child who has to transition and cope.
You drop the ego and do what works.
It's time to walk away. If you resent a child who has ADD and ODD, none of wich are the child's fault, do the child a favour and go.
My son has a rare combo of disorders that cause unusual and difficult behaviours, I've never once been embarrassed by him, or resented him.
The child deserves better.
When you have a child with letters you need to pick your battles
It's not his letters that r the issue I work with special needs and love all my kids he is just hating having rules ever after 15 months tells both me and my partner he hates us and wished we would die even said he would stabe my child so he can see me sad for a long time cause he hates me that much and I think this is due to mum not allowing her ex to move on yet she has had her share of new partners and I've been in his life for 4yr
You still resent him, time to go, none of this is the CHild's fault.
It's not his letters, he hates following rules, are you kidding? Educate yourself on ODD!! Your attitude to the mum being public enemy number 1 won't help either, you need to get her on side somehow.
Adult resenting child equals time to move on. That simple really.
As someone who grew up being the resented step child these posts break my heart.
It sounds like his Mum, dad and yourself need to get on the same page when it comes to parenting him. You all need to set aside any personal crap you have against each other for the sake of this boy. I think you all would benefit from some family counselling or something.
I'm honestly not surprised he's acting out, I don't think people really understand the toll it takes on the children in these situations. How hard it is having one set of rules at mums house and then another at dad's. Just keep in mind this is not just about you.
Parenting with ODD is less rules and more negotiation with known expectations.
"Yes, sure you can pee on the floor but you are going to clean it up or you could pee in the toilet and it's done". "No you don't have to get up for school at 6am but if you're not ready on time I will pick you up pj's and all, carry you to the car and drop you off for school".
Flushing comes with time, you've heard the saying "if it's yellow let it mellow", work on flushing poo first and then move on to wees. Hand washing wasn't a drama for us (I think a little of my OCD has rubbed off there) but tooth brushing, OMFG, 19 years and still I battle. I find it easiest to have him brush his teeth when I do and this is after years of fighting, cursing and general misery - this I think should be a dad job as the bio parent just because I know the hell I went through to get to where we are. The Triple P parenting program was a godsend for me, more than anything else they were the ones that taught me how to negotiate with (and outsmart) a kid that honestly was driving me nuts - and he's my own crotchfruit, not someone else's!
Attitude, check. Still has the attitude of an asshat.
Hygiene, better than many but not up to my standard. Still working on it but at least he doesn't smell like a fist full of assholes.
Bossy, it took a while but not anymore. This is our house, his dad and I have worked hard for it. He gets to be boss when he buys his own, doesn't change the attitude but does dial down the bossiness.
Mouths off, yep. The teenage years for me are obviously going to extend into the early 20's :(
But, and here's the hope. When he's good he's BRILLIANT.
He's generally respectful. Barely drinks (19 remember). Doesn't take drugs. Is pretty low maintenance. Is easy to teach how to do things and when he does them he does them well - today he fixed my pushbike for me, it's been busted for 6 years!
Patience. Love. Time-out (for you, totally have weekends when you and your kid go and do things to enable bonding time with dad). Above all, knowledge. You have to learn the skills to cope, or you have to go. It's not fair to him or you or your child to not be 100% engaged in the success of the whole family. Good luck.
Love this awesome reply, obviously you have done the hard yards and have an awesome kid! My child has no letters (primary school age) and if I don't tell him to brush his teeth, he doesn't either! Crossing my fingers he will by high school ?