Please tread lightly, I'm on the edge of a cliff.
I am the head of a household of 5.
Up until May I have been a SAHM, I now run my own business also which I work from home.
I have a husband who works 12 hour shifts and is a volunteer fire fighter so he's not often home.
I have 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
I don't feel like I can keep going anymore, I can't parent, I do the basics like preparing meals but otherwise my days are a blur and I just pray for bed time.
My chest is tight all day, I constantly yell, I can't bare to take the girls anywhere as they are playing on my "weakness" and I don't have it in me to keep it together.
I spend alot of my day in my bedroom, in tears or just imploding.
I love my kids so much, they go to bed and I stare at them and cry because I love them so much and they deserve more than what they're getting from me.
I have no support, no help, no respite.
I suffer from depression, i take medication and have been for 18months post breakdown, before that i could manage without it but even medicated I'm having frequent breakdowns.
On a daily basis I think about leaving because I'm not coping, I hate feeling this way but I can't stand being around my kids, I can't stand them touching me, asking things of me and they deserve none of my hostility.
I know it's just because I'm sick and overwhelmed, I have no idea where to go from here.
I need real help but I have no one to hold up the fort in order for me to get it.
Does anyone have advice on support services or anything else I can try.
My cries are falling on deaf ears and I'm desperate!
9 Replies
If you've spoken to your GP in the last month and they have ignored you or not offered any more support, see a new GP.
You need a full review of your medication and you need to see a psychologist.
You also need to find on going respite, if you can't afford daycare then hubby needs to quit his volunteer work. You can't help others when your kids and wife are struggling!
If you can afford daycare start finding it. I'd try school holiday care, family daycare etc. it might be too late to get them in this time of year but it's worth a shot at least.
One or two days a week without kids can make a huge difference.
Put it to hubby this way, if he doesn't help you make the changes now and doesn't step up now, he will be left with the three kids permanently and on a full time basis! If he still doesn't get it, walk out and leave him in the lurch, buy yourself breakfast and let him struggle through for a few hours.
I haven't been to the dr since June when I had my script refilled.
Between my business and school holiday's i just dont have the time and the thought of taking them with my makes my stomach sink.
I don't feel like my husband or Dr or few friends I've spoken to really understand how I feel, I try to be as honest as I can but it just gets put down to being overwhelmed.
I have spoken to hubby about CFA and he only really goes to call outs when I'm in bed.
work is more the issue, he leaves before we're awake and gets home at 8.30pm by which time I'm working.
Putting 3 kids in child care on essentially one wage (my business isn't very fruitful yet) isn't realistic, we already have a mortgage, bills, insurance, school fees and kinder fees. My youngest will go one day a week once the other 2 start school but thats so I can work in peace.
School and kinder start soon but even with the kids at kinder as soon as i pick them up i want to take them back.
My husband is helpful, he does what he can to make my life easier when he's home but 5 days out of 7 from wake up to sleep time I'm solo and sometimes even weekends.
He has to work so I don't see a solution there.
I feel like im stuck, i can't go forward, i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, just the tunnel.
This is one of those times where you can decide you really want it to change and make it happen or you can continue on how you are.
Can hubby take a day off work so you can go to the GP? Does your GP do Saturday appointments? Can a friend or family member watch your kids for an hour? Could you pay for a one off babysitter so you can get to the doctor?
Sometimes we just have to make it happen sadly. Your mental health comes before any business, before anything else.
I haven't been to the dr since June when I had my script refilled.
Between my business and school holiday's i just dont have the time and the thought of taking them with my makes my stomach sink.
I don't feel like my husband or Dr or few friends I've spoken to really understand how I feel, I try to be as honest as I can but it just gets put down to being overwhelmed.
I have spoken to hubby about CFA and he only really goes to call outs when I'm in bed.
work is more the issue, he leaves before we're awake and gets home at 8.30pm by which time I'm working.
Putting 3 kids in child care on essentially one wage (my business isn't very fruitful yet) isn't realistic, we already have a mortgage, bills, insurance, school fees and kinder fees. My youngest will go one day a week once the other 2 start school but thats so I can work in peace.
School and kinder start soon but even with the kids at kinder as soon as i pick them up i want to take them back.
My husband is helpful, he does what he can to make my life easier when he's home but 5 days out of 7 from wake up to sleep time I'm solo and sometimes even weekends.
He has to work so I don't see a solution there.
I feel like im stuck, i can't go forward, i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, just the tunnel.
You are not alone in feeling like this, and believe it or not, there is a way out of this stupid hole your in. So if the kids are at school, are you trying to fit too much in between? Is there something other than work or housework or duties that you immerse yourself in for an hour to do for yourself? Is there a self help book you can read, or something online, to assist you in beginning to just appreciate small things in life. Don't think about bills, how you feel, the kids, just think about ok, what will make ME feel slightly good right now? bath. movie. chocolate. orgasm. pulling weeds out. Your in this circle of wake up. get up. feed kids. maybe eat yourself. fill in the time. feed them again. bedtime routine. bed. SHIT got to this again tomorrow!! Can you break routine a little? can you take the kids outside for a treasure hunt? That'll amuse them for a bit. Then if one kid gets more than the other, have a back up stash. Are you doing everything for ur kids and not getting them to do chores? Can they help you? Have you tried just putting out a platter of food and saying this is all you get before dinner, don't ask me for anything else. Dig some grass out the backyard and create a mud bath for them to amuse themselves in. I just feel like they want, want, want from you, and you give, give, give because you love them. But now your suffocating. You just want 5mins to yourself. Did you think having a job at home would allocate time for yourself? That hubby would give you that time when he could? Or that if your as busy as him, you'll get a break too? Even though he works long hours, your going through something at the moment, and you don't need to threaten, you just need to tell him, I am not coping, we need to fix this. I need.......Give me 2 hours, I'm going out.....Just sit in the car to start with, down the street, then next time, go into a shop. Then go to a movie, then whatever you want next. Or get hubby to take the kids to the park for an hour. So you have the house to yourself. Maybe review your medication, get the doctor to write a mental plan for you and show it to your husband? Your few friends may just think that you are just leading the same life as them. That you have the same issues. Are you truely being honest with them, are they the best person to be speaking to? A councellor is a way better option. They don't have to tell you to deal with it, or talk about them self, or pretend to have it together, they just listen and guide you. They give you hope that you'll get through this stupid shitty faze your in. Think about what you have given your kids, that no one else could, love. You may not feel like you love them right now, but you have asked for help on here, so you do love them and you do love yourself. That my dear makes you strong and passionate and willing. Do dumb shit with your kids, roll around on the ground, get dirty, have a water fight, you may see something in yourself that you lost from keeping the household together.
I think it is time you had a chat with hubby and explain that you need a break. A decent break. A whole week break or you are going to break. You need some time off from what you are doing and he needs to back off his stuff and give you some time away from the kids. He needs to let the fairies know he will be unavailable for the next couple of months and organise some respite for you. I applaud him for his volunteer work but if his household is falling apart and his wife is falling apart, it is time to redirect his time for a couple of months and reassess his priorities. You obviously have some issues you need to speak with your doctor over again but you also need time to heal and you can't heal while still in the situation causing you so much stress. Time for him to step up, organise some family to help and get you back on your feet. But this isn't just a once off, you need to take some time off every week. Just an hour or two or a weekend every couple of months. Mums need to be supported and you need to have this conversation with your husband. He doesn't understand because when he is home, it's all relax and kick back, no work and he think because you are home all day that's what it is like. When it isn't. Maybe if he had to do what you do for a week, he will gain the perspective you so desperately need him to get. Good luck.
Hi IM,
I think you need to get in touch with your local community mental health service and see a mental health professional. I'm a psychologist (currently on mat leave) and I'm quite worried about the way you're describing your mental state. It sounds like you're having a really tough time at the moment. Your husband/gp mightn't fully understand how bad things are, but im pretty confident that if you printed off what you posted here and showed them they might take notice. I'm a mum of one and have lots of support and I still find it so hard being a parent, so I can't imagine how hard you're finding it. The good thing about mental health issues is that they generally respond well to the right treatment, which is usually a mix of medication AND therapy. Things will improve but you have to reach out and ask for help to get you out of this dip.
Google your area/region and community mental health to find the number to call. Ring them. Don't minimise your symptoms to the person on the phone. Be totally honest. If they can't help you google gp's in your area with an interest in mental health issues and maternal health and get an appointment with them. If you're feeling suicidal and like you can't keep yourself safe between now and seeing a health professional don't wait to ring community mental health or a Gp, go strait to your local hospital emergency department. Like right now. Take the kids with you if need be.
Good luck.
If you can let us know where you are I'm sure there are people nearby willing to help. It won't solve all of your problems but having a friend at your side is a great start xx we've all felt at least some of what you are feeling. You're not alone and people want to help
Thanks so much for yoyr replies, they have been very helpful!
Back in a high atm so of course I haven't had time to go to the dr's because "I'm better"
I sat down with my husband and had a talk, thought we were making plans to go the the dr etc. But nothing so far so I'm going to have to take my kids with me which sucks as I don't like them seeing me like that but I will never get there otherwise.
I will print this off for my dr, this is the most brutally honest I've been and I think they need to see it so thank you for yoyr suggestion and all of you, I am taking all the advice on board and I thank you for taking the time to respond ?