Hi all,
This has been a burning question for a little while i've recently turned 23 in the last couple weeks however i've always wanted children and swore that once i finished school i would think seriously more about it but the thing is i'm still a virgin and i've got an ex boy freind who has been more than happy to be the 'donor' however i was thinking the lines of insamnation. i still want to at least do it but the problem is i still live at home with mum and Brother.. what do i do?
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42 Replies
You wait.
Being a mother with no father around who lives at home is not the best situation for a baby. Wait until you have your life sorted!
Why the rush? You can have a baby in 10,15, even 20 yrs time. Be smart about this. Yes i know you reallllly want a baby, so work towards it-the same way you would work towards any goal. Get a job, have a life, meet a man you love and want to share a tiny human with, build a life together (including moving out of your childhood home) and then plan for a baby.
Be an adult about this.
Thank you.
My advice - you wait. Wait until you meet someone who will be a good hands on parent and who you have s strong healthy relationship with. Having a baby is lovely but honestly very hard work. Nothing at all like the idyllic ads or movies you see. Get your career established and moving out of home to be independent is also a great idea. I can guarantee that looking back you will be glad you waited.
Thank you, that means ablsoutley a lot to me to read i've been dead set serious about this for a while however having a disability too ontop of this i felt like if i waited it was going to miss having a family early than i anticipated.
Have you spoken to a fertility expert about your chances and when they would recommend trying for a family? Another option might possibly be freezing your eggs. Also maybe thinking about how you will support yourself as children are expensive... Would your parents be willing to have a baby at their house? All things to consider I guess.. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Actually no i haven't Thank you,
Definitely wait! You are only 23 and not set up financially enough to have a baby.
When you can afford to and are living on your own, being independent for 2 years then reconsider. I can guarantee living at home still your parents are still looking after you, (covering some bills, picking up the housework slack etc) and you haven't really experienced having to look after everything yourself yet.
Also make sure you have your career sorted. The government is continually tightening financial aid for single parents so you need to have a career to go back to. Living on single parent payments are super tough. There is no room for luxurious at all!
But honestly as one single mum to another, Wait. You are so young and have so much time to find a relationship. If I was you I'd wait until I was 30 and then reevaluate. By then your career will be established, you will really know if relationships are for you etc and if being a single mum is for you.
As to who should be the donor. Don't do the ex boyfriend thing. Co-parenting is really, really hard. So many compromises to be made. So many things legally to be considered in that kind of arrangement. Go through a proper sperm bank.
Thank you, the reassurance made me feel at least a thousand times better, as still being at home i do most things myself apart from the money stuff Mum deals with that for me. however this advice was something i needed i've been burning with this question for months.
Definitely time to start managing your money!
Start looking into the legalities.
Start speaking to your GP about your disability and what that might mean for your disability. It might very well change nothing. But if you are going to have a baby you need to be an expert in your condition.
Also your parents might be happy for you to have a baby while living at home but that's a whole other can of worms. It can be really difficult for parents when you don't parent there grandchild the way they parented you. It can cause a lot of friction.
Having cerebral palsy i think is a whole game changer! Thank you i will!
Cerebral palsy is not a game changer. It's not like a disability where you expect to deteriorate, or get sick over time. Definitely time to talk to others with your level of cerebral palsy and find out how it's effected them.
But people with disabilities do date, meet people, manage there money, and have kids all the time.
Thank you.
actually i have a mild form of cp
I have a mild dose of cp so i don't expect myself to deotirate :)
Ok initially i thought oh god no.
but then, there are plenty of women who are young mums or luve with their mums. Its great if you have that aupport. Its great you plan and finish your studies. 23 is not a child youre old enoughto be a mother if thats your choice. And if you are a single mother you will do just fine.
the part that bothers me, honestly, is not having had sex. Going from virgin to instant pregnancy, birth, then mother is just huge. I mean it takes a toll on your body and your mind.
nothing is the same after you have a child. What you find you might want to experience - casual sex, romantic holidays, date nights, finding a long term partner, its all harder to find time for and that makes it more stressful and you get depressed with your mum life and sad about missing out and things being so much harder.
Also i think you havent really understood sharing a kid with your ex. You will have to share and work together. Even when you want to do something different, like travel, move, take your child camping for christmas school holidays -you cant. You cant control who he chooses to date and introduce into your childs life. You cant control his discipline methods. Just dont do it, thats my advice.
So my advice is go and live first. Date, enjoy long nights and lazy mornings and indepth conversations with partners. Speak to people, make mummy friends, learn about their daily life and issues, then i think you will be able to make a better plan for the long term, than just thinking 'want a baby' and jumping in.
THANK YOU! Your reply was the absloute best to read! i'm taking in everything that's ever been commented right here and now thank you i felt this reply was the best! I will be taking more of this in as i read this!
Good luck to you. Its a very hard decision to make and then you have extra pressures already. Youre doing well in planning and researching. Youre very lucky you have support definitley open up the conversation more with your mum. When your heart tells you its the right time, Im sure you'll be a great mum.
Thank you, this is still on going research still trying to make my mind up about this wanting to hear other people's advice and so.
I had my little boy 6 days after my 18th birthday.
Being a young, single mum was the best part of my life. I lived with my parents, the babys father disappeared.
I'm now 22, have the happiest and healthiest 4 year old boy, 23 weeks pregnant, have the most amazing fiancè and I bought my own house 2 years ago for both myself and my boy. I wouldn't change a thing.
My labor was VERY complicated (38 hours) not only was bubs spine locked in with mine which gave me a complete back labor, but I hadn't had sex for pretty much the whole pregnancy, I'd say 8 out of 9 months and it really hurt, my doctor said if I was more sexually active during pregnancy the pushing part would have been a lot easier!
It is quite easy for single mothers, and if it's what they really want, they will never regret it.
But I would say to wait, and do everything you want to do before having a baby. Who knows, by then you may fall in love.
But co-parenting is HARD. I only had to do it for 6 months before bubs father disappeared again, but it was the hardest 6 months in the last 4 years.
But then again, if you strongly believe you will never have issues with bubs father and you won't regret it, why not?
Oh that's awesome, I loved reading this thank you. all the advice is really helping i've been at this crossroad for a few months.
Wait!!! I had my first baby just after I turned 21 and the next at 22, and while I do not regret my children for the world, I do regret not waiting.
Im now 27, have no real qualifications (having 2 unplanned babies during nursing studies threw all my hard work out the window and my ex husband wanted me to be a SAHM), have never travelled (minus overseas school trips) and I missed that entire young phase of my life. My ex husband and I have now been separated for years and its bloody hard work being a single Mum! Dont do it alone if you dont have to.
I love my life now, and my babies, but I really wish I did it later in life, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Settle, find a loving partner, get everything sorted and then try for a bub. You have all the time in the world. Good luck x
Thank you.
Congrats on finishing your studies, what an exciting time of life! You will be able to work full time, have lots of $$$, buy any clothes you want, go out, make new friends in your workplace, travel overseas if you want ? This is phase 1 of life (the most fun in my opinion!), phase 2 you will meet the guy (get married, get a mortgage), phase 3 you will start your family. Don't rush it, go through each phase and enjoy, you have plenty of time!
Thanks!
Wait. I understand the 'need' to have kids, but realistically 23 is still very young, hell even 30 is considered young these days. Talk to your doctor and discuss how having a baby will impact upon your disability (if at all), and even consider having eggs frozen if you are worried about having the ability to have a bubs later down the track.
I had my first at 23 after being married for a year and honestly I wish I had've waited until we were set up in our own house. Having kids is expensive! Get your career started (if that is what you are interested in), work on your financial independance, get your own place even if its just a small 1-2 bedroom flat or sharehouse as the experience of living on your own or with non-family members will be fantastic for your independance and personal growth. And start dating - you could find Mr Right; but take it slow and enjoy the journey. Once you have kids everything changes, especially down there. You are only a virgin once, find someone special and embrace it and discovering your sexuality in that way.
Thank you!
I am 23 atm, and I have 2 kids, my first had reflux and next to never slept, it was hard, especially having no close support, no father to take baby for 10 minutes so i could shower or even have a quick nap ready for the next screaming session. The only thing i would change about having my first would be to have waited untill i had a stable partner, just so i had the hands on support at home.
Your condition isnt going to change, so I wouldn't really factor that into it that much, I would find someone you enjoy being with fall in love and make your family together. Its part of the journey of becoming a Mum!
Enjoy your life and the mission on finding that someone to start your family with.
Thank you.
Read a bit some stories from children of sperm doners etc. I thought about this for a long time, but whilst looking into it came across these stories and it changed my mind.
The single mother life is not easy either, but others have already covered that. I have a little girl that her father bailed on her when she was 3 and disappeared, she's now 8. She cries neally every other night because she doesn't have a and the other kids at school do. It's not easy on them.
Yep, a friend of mine is a sperm donor kid. It really eats him up that he doesn't know his biological history
Thank you and i feel sorry for the poor darling x
Maybe a good idea to stop thinking about urself and start think about whats best for ur baby..
Is it best that u dont have a job for money income as kids are not cheap.
Is it best for you still living at home? Where will the baby sleep? Do they get there own room when older?
Is it best that u need to rely on ur mother to care for you child as well as you?
Not trying to be rude but look from ur child side and ur mothers
none offense taken however, i wouldn't expect my mother to take care of my child and myself my child is my child and in anyway shape or form i would never ask her to do that unless i was seriously in need of a hand.
Thank you.
You will get to be a mum, your still young. Go have fun for a bit cos once you have a baby the world changes.xx
Thank you Amanda!
Go for it. I have 2 children by this way & i still live at home. There are a lot of women who dont want to wait to be in a relationship to have kids.
My point exactly! Thank you Anon!
I was so worried about this going to Facebook but you have handled the responses with so much grace and dignity, you are going to be such a great role model to your future children. You are going to make an amazing mum. So you are a lesbian, imagine going through this amazing wonderful experience with the woman you love? Please wait a little longer because she is out there, give her time to find you. I want you to experience the joy of having a precious child with the one you love, not because I don't think you can handle it, but because you deserve the best. Your CP hasn't stopped you in life, I know it's not severe and limited to lower limbs, but I also know what spasticity in the legs involves. Maybe give it 5 years? All the best xxxxxx
Thank you! That's how i am pretty much, your comment was so sweet to read i was just thinking that i probably should wait!
I recommend working towards setting yourself up to be the best mum you can be and that includes financial security. I became a single mum at 23 and while I will never ever regret having my child I did find that the financial stress was the worst part of it all. It was ever present and it really impacted on the quality of my life and that which I could provide for my child.
I'd also recommend you forget about having your ex as a donor. Waaay too complicated and too many risks for you and a potential child. If you had sex with him to make the baby then he would be considered the father and if you had a private arrangement that included self insemination it can still go bad. Sure, there have been some successful cases of women having donor conceived babies to men they know but it can turn sour very quickly and then you've got to deal with him for almost the rest of your life, and not on good terms.
If there are no underlying medical conditions then I'd suggest waiting to seek fertility treatment but if there are and time becomes a problem then doing a cycle or two of IVF using an ID release donor (available from many clinics) and freezing the embryos until you're ready to use them would be a good move. Last I heard, freezing eggs still had lower success rates to freezing embryos.
I read one comment below about someone's friend having difficulties because they didn't have access to his biological history. Thankfully things in Australia have changed and now clinics will only allow you to use known donors or ID release donors. With ID release donors you won't know the identity of them when you conceive but your child can gain identifying information when they're adults. You may or may not get a photo (or several) when you choose your donor. Generally kids who are told of their conception before they even understand it are completely ok with it and if they've got access to identifying information they can then choose what they do with it. Also, remembering what I said about the stress a lack of money can cause, it's not just a stress on us but it's one of the big factors in kids' wellbeing whether they're in one or two parent homes.
I'd also recommend joining smcaustralia.org.au if you're interested in learning more about your options and connecting with other women who have chosen that path, or are thinking about it.
Good luck.
Thank you!