Im in tears currently writing this..
I have just few friends. I have 3 kids. 11, 6 and a 9 month old. They're really good kids, polite, very well mannered. All towards other people. When it comes to me, were constantly fighting, i fight with my 11 year old the most and after i do feel really horrible because i dont want him to have hurt feelings, and i dont want him when his older to say ive had a shit childhood, me and my mum constantly fight. Im with my children 24/7 im a single mum. I do everything on my own. I barley have food in my cupboard. I manage to feed them. They have alot tho. They are spoilt. They get what they want but im starting to ease off on the spoiling and not giving into them. My 6 year old is a little bugger. He is really an emotional child, if he dont get what he wants he cries. If i ask him to do something he will straight up tell me no! Ive started to put him in his room for 5 minutes when i just cant handle him any more. Or i ignore him.
I dont get invited any where, my friends will go fishing, beach, 4x4, anything that could involve children as they have children also. I feel its because of my kids. My house is always a mess, ive got a 9 month old constantly on the boob or on my hip.
Im not a fun mum. Im an angry, messed up mum of 3 that struggles. I cant do it any more. How do i cope? How do i deal with my children? How do i stop arguing?
I know its wrong. But i cant any more. I feel like just giving up.
4 Replies
Start by continuing to say no and stop spoiling them. Time for them to learn how to pick up after themselves. Get a schedule/routine going for your day. Your kids cope with routines and schedules at school and pick up after themselves at school so they can do it at home.
Our schedule/routine looks like this at the moment.
1. Breakfast
2. Brush teeth, get dressed
3. Chores (put clean dishes away from last night, put rubbish out, run vaccum, put a load of washing on) 6 and 11 year old can certainly do any of those tasks.
4. Outing to playground or similar (tight budget) burn of energy running around, riding scooters)
5. Lunchtime
6. Free time (sometimes I'll set up an activity) but I try and avoid TV in this time.
7. About 3pm tidy up rooms (rooms need to be tidy before TV goes on).
8. 3:30/ 4pm TV goes on and I do a tidy up of kitchen so I can cook tea.
9. After dinner free time until bath time bed time routine starts.
10. Kids in bed so I do dishes ready for them to start the next day.
It will take them awhile to get with the program and they will say no occasionally but that's up to you to follow through. That's part of parenting. Once they get used to the new regime it gets easier.
You don't need to be their friend and give in. They will chuck a tantrum. Ignore it. Take control of what you want. Your the adult. Your the boss. Don't worry at the moment at being fun. You need to rule. Make changes. They won't like it but they don't have to. They have clothes. You feed them. They have shelter. You are already winning as a Mum.
You don't need to give them everything so they say they had a happy childhood. When they are an adult with kids, only then will they appreciate what you've done. So don't worry about being the fun mum. They need to learn the word no. No means no. Going to the bedroom fir 5mins is fine! Shows you mean what you say, keep it up! Your doing great. I'm angry all the time. Only just starting to lay down the law myself. It's time consuming but be persistent. Mr 3 chucked a wobbly this morning and decided he wanted to be a baby who doesn't know his words-all because dad was in bed.
He doesn't pull that shit with dad but pulls it with me. I'm softer than I should be? I don't know. I thought being loving and understanding would be more beneficial but turns out being stern and scary sometimes works better
Your kids are not the problem. You need to change your ways. Take time for yourself and focus on becoming a happier person. When you are down your children pick up on that vibe. I grew up as a child with a parent with depression it's extremely hard for kids to understand and it's extremely hard to live in a household where you are walking on egg shells. Your children love you regardless. They will know you are doing your best. My advice would be to focus on what is making you unhappy and change it- stop blaming situations around you and try to understand that you are putting out there the vibes that you will get back. No one is perfect, every body struggles with different things in life. It's time you teach your children to care for one another and show them that looking after yourself is just as important
Many of the thoughts you describe sound like you might have a bit of post natal depression complicating everything else. It's hard to deal with anything when you have it and you can have it even if you don't actually feel depressed.