Hi ladies,
I am currently living in a high unemployment area, and have done so for almost 20 years. Up until about 6 months ago I have never had an issue gaining employment. Since then I have applied for so many jobs which I am skilled enough to do, but not even getting phone calls for interviews. The cost of rent is also getting ridiculous and I'm struggling to make ends meet. An opportunity has come up in a town 1.5 hours away. Now here's the problem...
I have a private custody arrangement with my ex for our 3 kids. I've attempted to gain legal aid to formalise these arrangements, but I've been knocked back twice. Things are fairly amicable with my ex, so it's not really been a problem.
My ex was working away and since separating I have worked around his roster, even meaning paying for after school care for the kids when I was working for peanuts, while he was earning great money and having the kids on his weeks off. He has now lost his job and has no plans to return to any type of employment. This means I will probably no longer be receiving any financial assistance by way of child support.
I am wanting to pursue this career opportunity as I know my chances of gaining employment in my current area are slim to none, however I know my ex will make it as difficult as possible for me to relocate our kids. He's in a new relationship, so I know he doesn't want to leave the area due to this, but he also doesn't want to lose out on time with our kids, which I understand, but I need to think about what's best for our long term future.
I've sought advice from a solicitor who has said the right way to go about it is to apply through the courts, but this could take 6 months, and no one will hold a job for that long. He also suggested since there are no court orders in place, I can leave with the kids, but the ex can fight it and I might be forced to bring the kids back to maintain the arrangement we originally had.
I'm so confused as to what to do. I don't want to be struggling financially because he's being selfish, especially when the only reason he's still here is a new girlfriend. I've pointed out that realistically when he needs to find employment, he might have to relocate too, but he said he's not planning on returning to work for some time (he's the dreamer type.. Thinks he's going to make a decent living by investing in property, etc.. But that's a dream he's been pursuing for almost 20 years and is no better off financially).
Has anyone been in this position and had a happy outcome for everyone involved? Just need some hope that I'm not going to struggling to pay my rent and put food on the table for my kids :-(
14 Replies
I will also add that I have family support in the new town, the kids have multiple cousins, aunts and uncles. I am also willing to share the travel for the kids to see their dad as I also have some family here that I'd still like to see. I'm trying to be reasonable and fair.
He cant stop you going. So if you need to go to better your circumstances, go. Leave the kids in their regular routine and have them for visits or week on week off.
Thats fair to me as its you who wants to move away from him and their home town.
You call him selfish but its you who wants to take them away from their hometown and dad, i dont know your whole story but hopefully some food for thought.
Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately week on week off won't work because our kids are school aged and need to kept in the one school. I feel like I've stayed put for his sake for long enough. Yes I understand I would be taking them away, but really it's only 1.5 hours of travel time.. He can still see them every weekend and holidays (my new partner lives in my current town so I'll be coming up often anyway so realistically I'll be doing the majority of driving). He is also welcome to come visit during the week since he's not working at the moment. For years he's been talking of moving away, but when I want to, he cracks it. He also relocated from his oldest son before we met for financial reasons, so I don't understand why he can't see things from my perspective and my desire to create a more financially secure future for our kids. Yes maybe some would call me selfish, but I'm doing it so I can provide for the kids. Leaving them with him when he isn't employed seems counter productive as I don't see how he will be able to provide for them.
I also coparent and even an hour and a half away is important. It means someone not seeing them for a week at a time, not being there for daily life, school pickups, friends parties, hobbies etc the kids having to split their time between two different places. Travel.
I get that you want to move but you need to consider all of that and honestly it sounds like you easily dismiss it from the kids and dads perspective.
to be really honest that could be why he doesnt see your perspective, because theres no compromise from you in how to make it happen. if you approach him that you are moving and would like to discuss child care options with him you may get somewhere. Give him a say. Ask for his suggestions. See whats important to him. Start by giving something first, show him you respect his feelings too.
And get any agreement in writing before you go ahead. Good luck.
You've stayed put in your current town not for him, but for your CHILDREN. You know you aren't doing him a favour by allowing your children to have a close relationship with their dad, you are actually doing what is in your children's best interests. I agree with the above, 1.5 hours is a lot and you need to acknowledge that and maybe change your attitude about him being selfish for wanting to have a close relationship with his kids, a lot of kids sadly don't have that. However, you have to eat, it's that simple! If you really can't get a job in the town you are in and he's not working and financially assisting you in raising your kids, you have to do what you have to do. Good luck with the move.
For everyone calling me selfish, put yourself in my shoes. I'm scraping money together to pay bills and put food on the table. I'm skipping meals just so my kids can eat. I'm borrowing money from people who know I can't pay it back. Every fortbight I'm constantly stressed because there's just not enough money to cover the expenses. I've applied for every job I am capable of doing in the past 6 months, I've even resorted to applying for jobs I've got no experience in on the off chance someone will give me a go. I have nothing left to give anyone.. I'm falling apart emotionally. I'm sitting here in tears not only at my situation, but at the fact that there's women out there that think I don't care about my kids relationship with their dad. I do care and I think it's great he's a part of their lives, but yes I do believe he's being selfish for keeping me here bordering on the poverty line when our kids deserve to have food on the table. I'm not looking to move away long term.. Only to work until something up here comes up in the future.
Heres the thing, you wanting to move and get work is far from selfish. However, youve also bundled everything else together and think that to make the move happen - for you - you also get to say how everything else will work as well. Thats the part where you need to see you have made a choice for yourself, now if you want the kids dad on side, dont go on the attack as if hes useless and doesnt matter and having an excuse for why everything has to be the way you want it.
At the end of it, hes not keeping you there. The kids are. You can go, you just have to share the kids and it seems its not in the way you want.
Good luck working it out.
At what point did I say I didn't want to share the kids? If you read my comments further up I said I'm happy to do the majority of the travel so he can have them for weekends. He can have them for school holidays, etc. it's not that I'm taking them away from him, I'm just wanting to rearrange the time he does have with them in order to provide for our kids.
Yes i completely understood you want to move and change the time he has with them. Good luck with it.
I definitely don't think you're selfish. Good on you for wanting the best for your kids and yourself. Making an effort when the father seems to be just coasting along. These other commenters sound a bit biased...
Biased towards coparenting? hes worked and had his kids week on week off until recently and pays support.
Actually it hasn't been an exact 50/50 split because of his roster.. I've had the majority of care all along.
I do not think in any way shape or form that you are being selfish. You are wanting to better yours and your children's situation. 1.5 hours sounds like a lot but as someone put on this post on Facebook you can sit in traffic for that long in Sydney alone. It's all about perspective. You can't sit around waiting for your ex to get his act together. You are strong, powerful and amazing!! I bought a house an hour away from everything I have ever known. I didn't have court orders so my ex couldn't stop me. And I've been down my way for almost 4 years and it hasn't affected anyone or anything. Life is actually better! Do what you want Hun. Cause at the end of the day your ex would do whatever the hell he wanted so why are you not allowed that same right?! Good luck with the new job!
I do not think in any way shape or form that you are being selfish. You are wanting to better yours and your children's situation. 1.5 hours sounds like a lot but as someone put on this post on Facebook you can sit in traffic for that long in Sydney alone. It's all about perspective. You can't sit around waiting for your ex to get his act together. You are strong, powerful and amazing!! I bought a house an hour away from everything I have ever known. I didn't have court orders so my ex couldn't stop me. And I've been down my way for almost 4 years and it hasn't affected anyone or anything. Life is actually better! Do what you want Hun. Cause at the end of the day your ex would do whatever the hell he wanted so why are you not allowed that same right?! Good luck with the new job!