What do I do. I no what I want to do. But I'm terrified of him. Long story short, my ex has moved back to town.... again. He's got himself a "lovely unit" that he told me when I dropped the kids there for the first time that he doesn't want them staying there. There is always fights outside. It's not a good area... he let me look inside the unit... he has nothing... a tv, fridge and bed. No carpet, nothing. His mum was picking them up and they were meant to be staying with her.... nop. They slept there. I'm so angry. He lied. He always lies. A lighter fell out of his pocket... guess he's on drugs again. He's definitely not a cigarette smoker. This isn't the first time this kinda thing has happened. He always finds a way around the system. He's very articulate and educated, he knows how to work the system. He knows how to emotionally abuse me without getting caught. He's totally irresponsible. No regard to the law or the safety and wellbeing of our children. I told him he's not having them there... he quoted our court order and has to have the kids.. no licence.. it's in the orders he's meant to inform me if he losses it... still waiting for him to tell me. This will be the fifth time?? In 6 years. He's nothing but a deadbeat. Nearly 8k owing in child support for this year... but his lifestyle of drugs and alcohol always trumps his children. That's why he always looses his jobs. I don't no how to protect my children. He's narcissistic, it scares me.
3 Replies
debrief with your kids every time they come home. Read up on human behaviour (eg, narcissism) and gently educate your kids that its a mental illness. Dad is acting the way he is not because its the right way to be, but because hes not doing so well medically currently. Document your fears, so that they know what mum went through trying to protect them as they were growing up. You need to counter his toxicity with positivity - enrol the kids in martial arts (great for discipline and emotional resilience), encourage positive school friendships, enrol your kids in a religious based (even if youre not) type school/ spiritual school, as theyre great for instilling positive values (in my experience i have found this to be the case) - if you cant afford the fees, consider bible study classes (again, personally im not religious religious, but i find families that attend church gentler, kids are better behaved, and so theyre a positive influence on your kids). Your focus needs to be on developing empathy in your kids, to counter his narcissism. See a solicitor, raise your concerns, consent orders can be varied. Depending on his medical/criminal history (if any), he can be required to submit to drug tests (offer to do them yourself if need be), counselling. Maybe write him a letter voicing your fears and concerns for his welfare. See how he responds. Preferably get something in writing, even if just in sms form, and then screen shot it. Document document document! I was with a violent narc for years. But years into the relationship i found newspaper articles of him being in trouble with the law overseas (violent), i took photos of the holes in the walls, bruises left on me, ive essentially compiled a document that has kept him in check - he knows i know him now and so hes backed off, essentially bored and moved on to other dramas. A narc will often back down if they see you can stand up to them, they lose interest because youre no longer a supply of empathy, money, time, whatever it may be that they sucked from you. I understand what its like to fear for your children. The stress, anxiety, frustration. But you just have to be smart about it all and gather evidence (eg. tape the fights on your phone). Talk to your solicitor!
Thank you for your reply. I record what I can.. but the courts never took that into consideration. Photos and dr reports. Child safety won't do anything because they are mostly in my care, but still want me to inform them of everything. My oldest starts high school next year and is enrolled at a catholic high school. Yes it's going to kill me financially but it's worth it. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. Doesn't matter what I do he knocks me down and plays the victim. It's about our children! But he crys and begs me to help. So much weight on my shoulders
Keep going hun. Know that there is at least one other mum in a similar situation. You are strong, and will get through this. Your children will understand your struggles one day. They really will. Pity him, see him for what he is. Crippled emotionally. I look at my toddlers now and see their dad, a 40+ year old, functioning at a similar emotional stage - he calls me regularly to tell me about his "difficult" day, his bankruptcy, his bills (he barely contributes to the support of our kids...), expects sympathy from me as he has noone else to confide in, i just stay quiet, and then cut the calls short. He hangs up thinking we've "bonded" and i dont get any headache from him - do you know, he never asks to speak to our kids. Even when he comes around he sends them to their room, and just wants to watch dvds with me?...Just wants me as a counsellor. Sad. But i keep the peace as much as possible to avoid the courts and aggravation. Just think, once your youngest is a teen, much of your burden will be lifted. But for now, life just is what it is xx