A close male friend of mine opened up to me about himself feeling down, and stuck, his not happy where he is in life and is depressed and miserable. Thing is his doing it because of his kids, he is stuck living where he is and working local (his business is going downhill) for the sake of being around for his kids.
He wants to be in a relationship and move on but he won't for the sake of his girls and won't relocate to another state for work, he asked his daughters and they said no (ages 11 and 13).
He has mostly been available for his kids as much as he can and has always been supportive.
Is it wrong to advise him to follow his own happiness? How does a man do this without coming across as a deadbeat dad. I'm a firm believer in self care and each person being in charge of their own happiness and that in order to parent efficiently a parents mental, physical and emotional wellbeing needs to be looked after to achieve this.
Is it wrong to encourage him to leave and move on in order to be a happy human being?
How do I explain his well being matters too
How do I explain his well being matters too
Posted in:
Self Care
17 Replies
Honestly yes i think it is. He can find his happiness without leaving, especially leaving states. I think youre ignoring that he wants to stay for his daughters and really underestimating how much happiness and peace being close and parenting them brings.
When you look at all his values, a good job, stable income, relationship, moving on, all comes behind his kids. Theyre his number one. So i would turn your thinking around and say, ok youre not stuck - youve got your top priority in order. Youre close and parenting. Whats next important -work on that. What else - work on that. Next etc etc.
Great response. Kids grow up, move away, have their own lives, he has plenty of time to make the move when they are older. Family, blood, he has his priorities right. If the business is a money pit, I would encourage him to wind up the company and get a salaried job. He could take anything for now, look at training/upskillng, give him options where he is, make him excited about his life in his current location. I am just wondering, are you a parent? I couldn't imagine just seeing my children on school holidays, for some reason people don't get that many dads feel the same way as us mums in this respect.
Both great answers, whilst as a woman its hard to imagine not seeing my child regularly. Women take kids away from their fathers and move on and have families all the time. Whilst I understand he has their best interests at hand what makes him doing it any different?
Yes he may as well settle down when he gets older and they are grown up and independent. But he may not be able to have kids again (if he desires). Who's to say that the kids mum won't just pack up and move state with the kids one day too. I know there's a lot of women out there who would move towns with their kids if their relationship broke down.
Whilst I see where the advice is coming from there are different perspectives to look at.
The law says. She cant pack up and move the kids anywhere as long as hes there parenting.
There's so many what ifs in that scenario, a million things could happen, fact is his kids live there and he lives there. I also think abondoning your own kids to go have more kids and start a new family isn't a solution. You parent and take care of your own before adding to it. So many men raising other women's kids and aren't involved with their own kids, must be so hurtful to the first kids, replaced by a new family.
BIG DIFFERENCE: the women are taking them with them, continuing to raise them and honour their duty as a parent. Most women don't move if their kids have an active, loving father, it is usually those that don't have that. Loving, participating father also have legal recourse if mum wants to move, for this very reason.
Whist his there for his kids physically, can he be there mentally and emotionally if his not happy?
Happiness comes from living in line with your values. Its not in a location, as much as we believe that when we're not happy.
Will he really be happy long term if hes not there for his kids - physically mentally or emotionally??
And having more kids in a different location is not happiness, its a recipe for disaster thats really being stuck. You need to think longterm and respect his values. When hes living these out, hell be happy.
I believe, the moment a child is born, you're happiness takes a back seat to theirs. You commit to protecting and raising them until they are independent, it's not until you break up, don't like where you live, want to find someone else.
I disagree, to an extent. Putting your kids first all the time is not wise, especially if it leads to mental health issues. How can you effectively protect and raise a child if you're unhappy? It's a tough balancing act but sometimes, as a parent, you have to put yourself first in order to be a good parent. Of course it shouldn't be to the detriment of your child but happy parents are important too. Not taking proper care of yourself can lead to some dark places that are hard to come back from.
Yes I do see your point, there are times that you need to put your own happiness first, like putting them in care so you can have a break, pursue your interests, work, even finding/introducing them to a new partner (that they may not accept at first), but you do all this whilst being a present parent. Leaving to go live interstate, not being present in their everyday lives, I don't see how you can prioritise anything over being an active parent. When you commit to marrying someone, you commit to loving/caring for them forever and then divorce happens, people move on, but kids aren't disposal like a marriage, kids are a commitment until they are independent adults. You can't "move on" from kids. I don't get our modern society where people think this is actually an option. Move interstate and start a new family, you can replace a wife, but not kids. You can go on to have more, but you need to honour the responsibility of the first ones you have. You have to actively parent your own children, you brought them into this world, so many dysfunctional adults because people move on from their kids.
I have been where your friend is, divorced, extreme mental health issues (hospitalised). Would I love to move back to my home state, where I could get better pay and more opportunities and be with my niece/nephews, sister etc.? Yes, hell yes. Is my children's father a good parent? Not particularly. Does he always show up and are my children forming bonds with new siblings? Yes! So I put on my big girl pants, dealt with my mental health issues, changed my career focus for the sake of my children. I want to give them every opportunity to have a relationship with their a hole father, because at the end of the day, that's important. Moving states won't fix his mental health, that comes from within, he needs to deal with it.
If every single mum abonded her kids and moved interstate when she had mental health issues, there would literally be a generation of parentless children.
A men
The mother is generally the one who takes the kids with her and the dad is left being the bad guy as he either has to follow the ex and Children, or see them less often. It doesnt sound like the father is wanting to run away from his parental responsibilites.
Seems a bit unfair that mother's can pack up the kids run away and and fathers dont get to see their kids and no one bats an eyelid, hey its even encouraged sometimes (especially when it improves her mental health)
Yet when a man does it, his a dead beat and abandoning his kids.
So because a mother youve heard of moved away from the kids dad (and you would never know the inside of their lives) you advocate other parents should go ahead and move without their kids? In the name of fairness?! This is insane whoever is saying this has zero care and concern for those kids.
also, dads work fifo, theyre in the military and leave for a year at a time, they live overseas and only see them on holiday visits, theyre in hospital, rehab, jail, some kids dads are dead, that doesnt make it ok to purposefully leave your kids when you dont have to. What an odd standard to set :(
There are also mums who are left in a town where they don't want to be due to courts orders or they just want their child to have a relationship with their dad. There are also psychopath serial killers, should he become one of those too? What has what anyone else is doing got to do with him? Agree ridiculous reasoning. The op won't be the one who has to comfort two broken hearted little girls when their dad leaves (thats what us mums have to do when our exes fuck up), not sure how anyone could be so cold hearted.