I've tried to get some legal advice but apparently I earn too much to get any assistance (even though with the cost of rent and daycare I'm basically breaking even week by week so I don't have enough to get proper advice)
I need sole parental responsibility... the thought of my "ex" having any rights over my daughter makes me feel sick with worry.
I say "ex" because I believe I suffered from stockholm syndrome ... he was very charming at first, and I used to be very sweet and naive. He used my kindness against me and bullied his way into my apartment, emotionally manipulated me into getting pregnant, took control of everything including my money, my car, my ability to work, my ability to leave the house and even the option of eating when I was hungry. He became explosively violent and abusive. he was wreckless with my safety and the safety of my unborn child. I have a lot of very specific examples that will burned into my mind forever. I later found out he was on drugs and was previously convicted of beating up his wife (I had no idea he was even married)
This was a dark time for me ... i only managed to get away with my life because I tricked him into visiting my family interstate and first chance I got I ran into the closest store and called the police.
He was convicted ... our system is a joke so he was only fined $450. At the time was on a suspended sentence for threatening to kill his last "girlfriend" before me, but that wasn't breached. On the plus side we got an Avo which included that he wasn't to contact either myself or my daughter unless he applied through family court (which didn't happen)
I'm terrified of how his charm gets him out of anything ... I need sole parental responsibility, he is so dangerous. He will hurt her, I have no doubt in my mind that he will hurt her.
My daughter is 3 now, we stayed in the same state as my family... we never went back. We haven't heard from him since she was 9 weeks old and I insisted that he be exempt from paying child support as it wasn't safe. He probably would have killed me if I had applied.
I'm working, I pay all my bills by myself and do a damn good job raising my daughter, she is surrounded by people who love her... she is an absolutely gorgeous, smart, funny and kind little girl with and very strong sense of herself. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, this isn't how I imagined things happening and I still lose sleep at night worrying about him finding us.
Has anyone been successful in getting sole responsibility where there has been this level of abuse?
I've been living in fear for 3 years... I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I have been attending counselling consistently ever since (all paid for by victims services) ... I'm as fine as I can be and I will be better knowing if the law would be on my side in keeping my baby safe
2 Replies
You would have to initiate court proceedings and there is always a risk that he will decide that he would like time and time may be given.
However just based on what you said, his violent history would go against him, his lack of engagement would go against him as he has no meaningful relationship with your child, the distance would make forming a meaningful relationship difficult too.
He may not even bother with the court but like most narcs, there is no way they want to let you speak poor of them in any forum so he would likely engage in proceedings, paint you as a bad mother who is mentally unhinged etc etc
I know this as I got sole parental and sole residential over my highly narc ex who lives in a different state and painted me as an abusive wife for a decade and despite having cold hard evidence at trial, he still claimed I was making up my claims. Judge saw right through his shit. He can't even call our kids now.
1. If you want legal advice then contact a few family law firms as some will often do a free consultation (around 30 mins). Or depending where you are, there may be a family or relationships sector you can contact (i.e relationships australia).
2. If he hasn't has contact with his daughter since she was 9 weeks old and she's now 3 years old, I say it may be best to let sleeping dogs lie. Starting court proceedings for sole custody may stir the pot and he can end up having visitation. Just something to consider.
3. Is he on her birth certificate? If he isn't then that's one up in your favour as he would need to be recognised by the courts as the biological father (dna test would need to be done).
4. Prepare yourself. Keep record of everything and anything from when you were together and even after etc that can show he is a concern and possible danger to your child. Any police reports, a copy of the AVO. Messages, texts, emails, etc. Speak with whoever you went through counselling with as a statement from them may had some weight to your case.
Personally I'd ensure he had no possible way of contact and not do anything that may stir the pot and bring him back into your life, however I would still keep record of anything so that you're prepared for worst case scenario which would be in your eyes him trying for custody of any kind.
Best of luck :)