Hello Ladies,
Nine months ago I began dating this wonderful man, and since things have just been getting better and better. He and I come from a very different path, however, I am a single (well was) professional, having spent my 20's finishing university and climbing the career ladder of my current company and investing in my future, he is also very successful but recently divorced and has 2 newly school age children. So here is where my years and experience fail me.
I am yet to meet his young children, much to my own avoidance. I don't necessarily dislike children as much as I simply have not spent time with many in my life, nor ever been all that eager to have my own, I am kid-awkward to say the least. I never thought I could adore a man with children but regardless having not met them yet, I know so very much about these little rockstars, adore them already, and honestly could not imagine him without them.
To get to the point, I know I want a future with this man and his children, but meeting the children is scary beyond what I imagined, and unfortunately the children's mum does not approve, as I don't come across at all kid-friendly.
What I would like is advice going forward; any ideas on how I and my partner can approach my meeting the children? How do I communicate and get to know children of approx 5 years of age? How can avoid them feeling uncomfortable?
I apologise for the essay, all advice and opinions are welcome :) thank you.
6 Replies
I think you should just be yourself. Don't try to hard to impress them. Don't be afraid of them (kids smell fear).
Keep it simple. Meet in a park or something so the focus isn't just on you and the kids.
Good luck.
Firstly thankyou for taking your time to get to know your man before meeting the children. That's the right thing to do.
Now is definitely time. Keep the first meeting short and low key, trip to park. You don't have to do anything. Just smile, say hello and be polite. Let the girls and dad take the lead. Dad is responsible for all discipline, trips to the toilet, food etc at this point. It's just your job to be nice.
As a mum with Kids, who waited six months to introduce her kids to he new partner who was in no way "kid friendly" not that he dislikes kids just that he hasn't had much experience with them. I feel you. I understand what you are saying and how his children's mum feels.
All I can say is be yourself, get to meet them slowly, don't try to be a boss but do assert that you would like to be respected, in turn you must respect them. It's not easy, it never is. But 14months on my other half and my kids get along great. They all adore him especially my youngest. Be prepared to go above and beyond. Be prepared for them not to like you. Meet outside the home so that it is mutal territory ie a park, cafe etc. do something fun and enjoy the time you get to spend with his amazing kids. Also remember to talk about it and keep talking. Communication is key! Good Luck!!
I had absolutely no desire to meet my partners child (7 years ago) I would have quite happily gone on forever just the way things were lol!! Didn't like children very much and had no intention of having any. Lo and behold i did meet her (she was only 15 months) and here we are 7 years later with 3 more (my bio kids) hahaha! turned out I quite liked her and children in general. You'll be ok xx
My advice is as much as you like this guy end it now. Kids are hard and step kids harder meet someone who you can share the experience with first hand, taking on someone else's kids will leave you feeling second best. I know this sounds harsh but I am in a relationship with someone who had kids before we met, it was my choice I know. After 18 years together he has already experienced everything that was brand new for me, pregnancy, childbirth, naming the baby, first smile, first steps, first day of school, finishing school. My kids always come second without him meaning or wanting them too. He is also now a grandparent, there is nothing we will have experienced first hand together. I love my husband and our kids I just wish we had done it all together from the start!
Relax and let the kids take the lead. Be their friend and let things develop slowly. If they say or do anything that upsets you remember not to take it personally, kids like to push boundaries and they will do it with their own parents as well as any other adults in their lives. This advice comes from experience. Slowly build things. At first any issues went straight to Dad, gradually I began to become involved when manners and safety were of concern, now anything that is outside house rules I can pull him up on.
Be a team with Dad, you guys need to back each other up on EVERYTHING. If that doesn't happen, leave.
Respect Mum, but be yourself also. You need to be happy, and not feel second best to anyone.
Be prepared to base future decisions (where to live, travel etc) around the needs of the kids and any agreements their parents made before you came on the scene.
I love my boys, however I would never again enter a relationship with a man with children again. It requires a lot of emotional investment, I'm lucky that so far it has worked out!
It can be done, things just require more thought and consideration.