I've fought long and hard for the man i love but his 13 year old daughter makes life stressful, with no peace or harmony. And he allows it all.
We've been together for 16 months but do not live together. We spend probaby 10 days a fortnight together. His daughter spends approx. 5 days a fortnight with him/us.
There's been many problems...some have been fairly serious.
I have 3 girls 4,5 & 10 and blending them in a respectful and non disruptive way is always a constant uphill battle.
My kids are expected to do chores regardless of where we are. The little ones take out recycling, wipe benches etc. My eldest packs dishwasher and basic tidying up... she does this plus much more without arguing or hesitation.
My partner agreed that we all need to do our part as thats how successful families operate and its just basic respect really.
But it's never fair. ..ever!!! My eldest gets the jobs done while his daughter does next to nothing, sometimes nothing at all. He makes excuses for her all the time.
I don't know if im just being a bitch or if i expect too much because my partner treats me like shit if i complain about how unfair things are.
My last two days went like this...actually my last 14 months have gone like this.
Tuesday... SD gets home from school goes straight to park, BD gets home has to repack dishwasher as they both packed it in an unacceptable manner the night before and dishes would come out dirty. BD apologises re packs, wipes benches, takes trash out, cleans loungeroom etc.
I cook tea, SD is informed she has to unpack dishwasher and repack the dishes (5-8) mins work. And nothing in comparison to wht the other kid did. She bitches whinges and drags it out and her dad ends up doing half for her. (Regular occurrence)
BD is then angry because once again not fair.
Partner and i fight because im sick of my kids doing everything while she does nothing. He says and i quote "i knew she wasn't in the mood to do it and its easier than fighting her for 20 hours to do it"
Wednesday...
Pick BD up from school then SD from highschool and SD announces shes going to lie and say she has her period as she doesn't want to go to swimming carnival.
Kids all relax and after awhile i ask SD to unpack the half a dishwsher full of morning dishes...smirks....doesnt do it. We then eat tea and BD then has to unpack and re pack. Half way through i tell her she's done her share and go relax. SD not only doesn't help but does nothing at all....daddy does it all again. Then proceeds to lie to him and say shes not going to carnival because she has her period.. bullshit!!! I have steam coming out of my ears and tell him she is lying and this housework situation is not ok and we need to implement a fair system.... once again i cop attitude. "Shes tired etc"
So she got rewarded with a day off for lying and got to do no housework on top.
Shes rude, surley and dishonest. Shes posted photos (one partial nude) of me online (took it as i was unaware and waking up) made my mum think her dog was dead with a prank call, locked my daughters ipod for Christmas for 2 months and refused to give password for it, yells, screams, is extremely greedy and selfish, she beat my 10 year old up while her friend video taped it and she gets NO PUNISHMENT EVER!!
actually she wasnt allowed wifi from 8pm till the morning for posting the partial nude of me .
Wtf do i do? Am i an asshole or is ny partner setting this kid up for failure? She dictates what happens, where shes going and when she will be back. Im the only one whos trying here. . Im starting to despise her. How do i make my man see what he's doing?
7 Replies
Honestly I feel you probably need to take a step back. You said you spend most nights together but I assume you have your own place. If you love this guy and want to be with him try taking a step back from the family stuff for a little while and just have time with him and talk to him about it. If he is still not responsive to fixing it then walk away. If he won't treat everyone fairly it is not a good environment for your kids or you. Good luck.
This is one of those times that you shouldn't be trying to blend the families!!
Both parents have different ideas on parenting and as teens neither of you should be parenting each other's children. It's far too late to be 'parental' figures in there lives.
So personally I would be keeping things far more casual and wouldn't be working to blend the families or moving in at all.
I don't think you're an arsehole at all, I think your partner and his child are arseholes.
Not so much about the cleaning as me and my partner do most of that, my child only has to really pick his toys up.
I don't know much about blended families, my son is not my fiancès bio child but my partner has no children other than the one we're expecting.
The nudes I'd be pissed about.
If she put her hands on my child and got her friend to video it, it would be on for young and old. And that goes for any child, not just step-siblings.
I'd get my child into boxing, kick boxing or anything to teach them to defend themself and then it's fair game, and they want to not whinge to me when their child cops an arse whooping. My child is very quiet and my partners nephew bullies him constantly, to the point my partner even tells him to hit him back as his parents don't pull him up. Not good enough in my books, if they're good enough to dish it out, they're good enough to take it.
I'd be out of there and telling that man to pull his damn head it.
I'm a step mum. It's the hardest job out there.
Firstly she's a teenager. I don't know about you but I was a proper little bitch as a teenager! Toward my mother, my sisters, my step mother. But not my dad. I idolized my dad. The thought of disappointing him kept me inline... somewhat.
Your partner is doing her no favours by letting her get away with it.
Having said that. Pick your battles. My kids do chores, my partners kids don't. I don't ask them to. I just do it. Why? Because it's not my job. It's their fathers job. I want my kids to contribute to the running of the household. I think it's good ethics etc. I don't know what they do at their mothers. It doesn't seem like it's much if anything.
At the end of the day they're not my kids. It's really that simple.
As for the other stuff - bullying her step siblings etc that's so not on! Taking photos of you. Wow! That's not on either.
I think that she's picking up on your resentment and she's manipulating the situation. She's getting what she wants. You can see that right? I was a little bitch just like her.
She might come good. She might not.
When it comes down to it you either have to decide to step back and make a conscience decision to have no expectations of her regarding household stuff. Let it go. What's the worse that can happen? Your kids grow up with morals and standards and she grows up with none? Or she might wake up to herself and realize she's being a twat? You can't force her to do it and you'll only make her hate you for it even if you could.
Anyway. I've full on rambled.
Good luck ??
My advice, not being harsh, you sound like a lovely step mum, but this is how I see it:
1. You don't live together.
2. She's a teenager.
3. Don't parent her at all, she has a dad for that. Don't give her any chores, have no expectations.
4. Break up your ten days, if possible, to minimise any time with her.
5. Next time she hurts your children, if at yours, ask partner and her to leave, if at his, you and your kids leave. Zero tolerance.
6. Tell your partner that you will not tolerate your children being mistreated, they are your number one priority (well above him and his feelings), if he doesn't reign it in, you're finished.
7. Consider if he is really the one for you.
Yes! I second this advice.
The last straw would have been the way your SD and her friend treated and videotaped your 10yo. Why are you doubting yourself and asking people if your an asshole? Call the police and have them charged. She beat up a 10yo girl ffs! Does the other girls parents even know what happened and their daughter video taped it? The girls father is in massive denial for some reason and cares more about putting his daughters disgusting behaviour before you and your daughters well being and care. She has taken her bitchiness way to far! Personally, I would be out of there the moment she laid into my daughter, and yes, calling the police and making a complaint about the attack and the video! Your children don't deserve this stress.