No idea what I'm doing anymore..

I literally have no idea about anything anymore! I actually feel silly right now, writing here (I've written in 3 times previously over the last 3 years) but I feel like I have no one else to turn to.. My first IM post, 3 years ago, was about my "angry" husband. He was abusive in every way, with the least part being physical abuse; he only threw things at me a few times and would slam furniture and punch walls. Towards our children, he was barely present. He took them for granted and they were scared of him because when they did have his attention, there were a number of incidents where he would take discipline to a level that didn't need to be reached.. he wasn't setting the best example for our sons about how to be a man. Nor was he showing them how to treat a woman. And I certainly didn't want our daughter growing up thinking it was acceptable to be treated that way.. he refused marriage counselling so I saw a counsellor alone (suggested by IMs commenting on my original post).

About 2-2.5 years after my original post, I finally left (almost a year ago now).. things started out ok. I had a lot of support from friends and some of my family. I was introduced to a guy who was going through a similar separation and owned a removalist company. We became instant friends and supported and helped each other however we could. He helped me move. I helped him with a bit of money (he said he had left everything to his ex. I had been secretly working and saving every $ I could prior to leaving my ex and had almost $20,000). Things slowly (but quickly) progressed with the new man.. Things just seemed to click in a way I'd never experienced before. He had all the right things to say.. For various reasons (my mum started badmouthing me to my extended family, my grandmother started spreading rumours about me, my ex told everyone I'd been cheating on him since the birth of our 1st, I lost all friends and support. Lost my job and would have struggled paying rent on my own.. plus my savings had been used up by new man paying for various things, for which the reasons he needed the money always seemed legitimate at the time) we ended up renting a house together 5 months ago. Shortly after, we found out I was pregnant. As stupid as this sounds, it was planned. Not for it to happen straight away.. but we both have fertility issues and were not expected to be able to fall pregnant at all, let alone first try.. we were both over the moon when we first found out though. That's when all the cracks began to appear and things slowly started falling apart. I began to find out that he was chatting to a number or other girls behind my back. He was spending my money on things that I was not aware of and would not have handed the money over for. He was addicted to an over the counter drug (something he had admitted to having been in rehab for in the past and promised he hadn't been taking). He was selling my belongings that were stored in my garage without me realising until I moved again a month ago. Including sentimental items that he knew were important to me (things left to me by my grandfather after he passed away. My son's replica cars from his christening cake.. the list keeps growing as I realise things are missing). We ended up at a tribunal hearing because he hadn't been paying his half of the rent as agreed. It all came with a bunch of excuses and it somehow always ended up my fault.. poor him. And I felt sorry for him every time.. he would make a new set of promises and quickly break those too.. then left to "take care of his dad" for a week. Barely contacted me during that time and also leaving me to come up with his $3k rent arrears (after I had already taken care of a further $2k of his rent arrears a few weeks prior).. he didn't even show up to the second tribunal hearing (there was a "reason". Always a reason and I'm harsh and unfair..). Then I accidentally stumbled across an email of a letter he sent to his ex, 7 pages of "sorry. I still love you. (My name) was a mistake. I once was lost but now I'm found". 3 days before my 30th. Again. Somehow this is all my fault.. the letter is merely his way of winning his sons back, so that his ex doesn't take sole custody.. finally tells his family about our pregnancy on my birthday.. more promises/lies.. Then he got an early release of his super. Helped me pay a couple of overdue bills off (taken off the money he owes me), I found a new place to rent but signed the contract alone. When I didn't beg him to move in with me (I had told him I didn't know if I'd ever be able to trust him again and I needed time) he said he would move in with his dad for 6 weeks while he works on his new business (meant to be "our business". He used my company name and I helped him build the following and got him some great contacts on board) but that he wouldn't be working on our relationship in that time because he doesn't see the point putting effort in while I'm angry with him. So we both move separately. Days go by. he flaunts adding the same girls he was flirting with last time back onto his Facebook. He even flirts in comments under some of their posts. It all showed up on my newsfeed.. I'm pregnant with his baby and wasn't getting so much as a message to see how I was going. This has been a rough pregnancy and he is fully aware of this but not one message.. I messaged him when I saw my obstetrician. Just to let him know our son is growing well. Just updates on the pregnancy.. no response. It's been 4 weeks. He came over after 3 days of being apart for sex and since then has contacted me 3 times, twice when he has needed me to do something for the business and once about my dad calling him a con artist on fb. I send him a string of not so happy to hear from him messages back. Not ideal. I know. But I'm hurt. I'm angry.. he since blocked me on fb and deleted me from the business page.. he's left me with debts that are in both our names. I've had to get my solicitor involved to help me because he refuses to take responsibility and I can't afford to pay them all off on my own..

I just feel like I really shouldn't be respsonsible for my life anymore. For the sake of my kids, especially (they're 5, 4, 2.5 and I'm 6m pregnant). I'm hearing it from everyone about what to name the baby when he is born. Everyone now thinks I should name him after my dad but we had already named him (after partner's dad) when we found out the gender at 10weeks and I can't imagine changing it now.. and I'm still torn about what surname to use. Everyone has an opinion. Don't change back to my maiden name and use my ex's surname for all 4 kids and myself. Change back to my maiden name and give new baby my maiden name too. Use only my dad's name. My dad as a middle name is apparently not good enough. I don't know..

To top it off, I have my ex coming over telling me how many mistakes I've made this year and if it wasn't for my pregnancy we would be getting back together now (still can't admit to quite how bad our relationship was and how many chances we had to address the issues) but then also always tries to have sex with me or get me to "do something" for him.. I feel uncomfortable. I feel low.. I've told him this and will never do anything with him but then he gets annoyed and throws my "mistakes" in my face again and how he should take me to court to take our kids away from me all together.. (Over the course of this year, my ex has gradually built a decent relationship with our kids. They actually enjoy spending time with him now and recently started having one night sleep overs once per fortnight. If there's one positive to come out of anything, it is this).

All I do is cry! I can't even see my counsellor because I used my 10th Medicare covered session for this year early last month and can't afford to see him privately. My last 2 friends have their own busy lives and are probably so over hearing my crap that they've slowly drifted, as well.. I'm also tired of being told "I told you so".. if everyone else knew and knows what I should be doing, how am I getting it so bloody wrong!? I know I've stuffed up over and over for a long time now, so how do I start to fix everything?

Sorry this is such a long post. I know I'll get some hate but please I just need some unbiased, non-judgmental advice.. thank you.