Sorry this is a long one and I don't really know what my question is but I need some advice as the whole situation is getting me down and affecting my relationship with my husband and step daughter. Too put it mildly my hubby's ex and mother of his first child is difficult, I have been with OH before the child turned one so have been apart of her life for a long time despite her mothers attempts at keeping me ( and my husband) out of it. Relationship between OH and ex was not a healthy one and they were not together long. Said ex has remarried and has children with new partner but has always treated me as if I am no more than a fling after her. I in no way whatsoever want to 'take over or replace' her mother (her words) I find it difficult to understand where I fit in and how I'm supposed too act, I have children with my husband and realistically know I should love SD as my own but I'm finding it hard because of the way her mother is. I love SD she is wonderful smart little lady but recently her mother has been so difficult and nasty towards me (only says things to my husband) never too my face about me. Little things saying I've upset SD and she doesn't want to come here anymore etc which is all lies I bend over backwards too make sure that girl is comfortable here and she begs every visit if she can stay longer. Her mother gets upset if I treat her too well telling my husband she's uncomfortable and jealous of the way we are (I simply showed her something my mum taught me as a child) so I backed off a little no more little outings to get our nails done or baking etc when she has visits with us and she abused my husband for me doing that. I just cannot win with this woman, I understand it would be hard having another woman in your child's life but she has another man and wouldn't you rather have someone who loves your child and not treat them badly? She refused too acknowledge I was her step mother telling SD I wasn't. She constantly lies about everything and always speaks badly of me to my OH that in itself makes me livid, I know most of it is jealousy but it's taking a toll on my mental state and my relationships. I'm sorry it's a long one this woman has done so much more I can't even begin to write it all down. I just need some advice on how to deal with this all. It's honestly exhausting and somedays I wish I'd never got involved with a man who has a child. I just don't know how much more of this woman's mind games and abuse I can take. We have no orders is place and cannot afford to goto court at the moment so we only get SD when it suits the mother which is hardly ever and my OH is all about letting it slide so he doesn't have too deal with her crazy. So confronting her isn't an option she would most likely take SD from us again (last time was nearly a year) I just don't know what to do, suck it up and be miserable? That's what adults are supposed too do right? Thanks for reading ladies and advice is appreciated especially from other mothers who have been or are in blended families.
3 Replies
The best thing your OH can do in this situation, is shut up! Why is he telling you what she says? You don't need to hear it. It isn't helping anyone other than make you doubt yourself.
So from now on you tell your OH to not tell you anything that she says. NOTHING. If he needs to vent about she says, he needs to find another outlet. He could journal, he could vent to himself in the car ride home. But you don't need to hear it.
What's that saying?? It's none of my business what other people think of me. And in this case that's entirely true.
Please don't back of from your SD just because of her mother. You don't change a damn thing you do with that little girl, you are loving her and caring for her in a way that every normal mother would want their children's step mother to treat the kids.
Unfortunately this women has a bee in her bonet and it's got your name all over it. You are in the awful position of being the patsy for all her anger.
I'm not a step mum, but my kids have a step mum, and all I care about is that they feel loved and safe with her. Yeah she gets to do more fun stuff with them, and I have been jealous once or twice that they have more fun with her, but I don't feel threatened by her because I know my children love me and at the end of the day it's not about me. They are lucky to have more people to love them.
I think she feels very threatened by you and either doesn't have the maturity to work through those feelings herself or is genuinely afraid that you will replace her and do a better job than her. Either way you can't let her invade your space or relationships with her emotional abuse. Easier said than done I know.
I know you probably want to know what she's saying, but I would ask him not to tell me. If you don't know what's being said, it can't effect the way you feel, behave or think. You can enjoy your family free from her crap. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, it couldn't hurt to try.
Good luck mama xx
Tell your husband you dont want to know every shitty negative thing the mother says! Honestly, just block out her petty crap and tell your husband to do the same and just treat that kid like one of your own and ignore the mother's nonsense. If you want to bake with her, bake. Of you want to go get your nails done, do it!
My ex tried to make rules for my husband too, saying he didnt want our son getting christmas or birtbday presents from any of my husband's family or my husband. I laughed at him and said he wont be making up such ridicules rules and he should be happy our son has so many people in his life that love him unconditionally.