Domestic Violence- 7 years after leaving

So this isn't a question- but rather a reflection as someone who left and survived domestic violence. A shout out to all that are in the same situation right now and a reminder that it doesn't have to be this way, that there is a way out, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and even more so, that you can actually be truly happy! I know everyone's situation is different but happiness and safety is something everyone deserves- you just have to be ready to take the first step xxx

Today is what I call my freedom day. Today, 7 years ago, I woke up after another night of sleeping on the couch- after another night if hell. A night where my possessions were destroyed, my physical being was threatened and hurt and my emotional and mental state in absolute turmoil- yet again. All from a man I had devoted 11 years of my life to- the man I had promised to be with forever and the man I had given 2 children to. It's not something I usually shout from the roof tops- I lived through domestic violence and survived but after it being so heavily publicised in the media lately it's time to shout it from the rooftops- to bring it out into the open and talk about it. Domestic Violence seems to have such a shame attached to it- 'but you stayed, why wouldn't you just leave?' It's not that easy. For me- I was terrified of the Unknown. I had no finances of my own, despite the laws, everything was 'his', I had 2 children to care for, I thought I loved him (truth was that ship has sailed long ago)- the list goes on. Once your told things over and over you start believing them- something I still struggle with today. The Unknown is the scariest thing of all. It's safe where you are- you know what to expect- not safe but safe if you know what I mean. Familiar, horrible but familiar. I did leave- 2 months earlier- and was wooed back with all the promises under the sun. It didn't last long. But you know what, I'm glad I went back because it enabled my to get my heart and head on the same page. To realise I could do it and I didn't have to stay in that situation. I was sick of lying to those I loved about marks on my body, why my possessions were suddenly missing...... About how happy I was. I lived in constant fear- days were good, he was at work, but as the afternoon closed in I would find myself anxious and scared of what the night would bring. Eggshells- walking on eggshells constantly- trying not to break them. Not knowing his mood, how much he would drink, what would set him off. That is no way to live. It wasn't always bad- in the beginning it was fun, he was sweet and loving and I was a young naive girl in this new exciting relationship. As the years went by his true colours began to show- too much drink = a stranger. It wouldn't happen often and I was always lead to believe it was my fault- if only I just shut my mouth. Time continued and the abuse changed from emotional, mental and damage to my possessions (usually only things that were mine- something that meant something to me, sometimes large furniture pieces- he would turn the house upside down) to physical. He was smart, most of the time it was in ways that wouldn't leave marks- his favourite comment was 'if I abused you your face would be rearranged'. He would push my head into the ground, pull my hair, flip me totally out of bed and hold me up against the wall with the mattress. I learnt to switch off- I never cried. I shook and I was terrified that the neighbours would hear. Sometimes they did and the police would be called. I would be told to tell them I was fine before they even got to the door- and I stupidly did. He was charged a few times for damaging our possessions, and put on a good behaviour order but that didn't stop him and I was too scared to report him. 2 children came along (one planned, one not) I stupidly I hoped that this would make him grow up, to change into the father he needed to be. Sadly this was not the case. He was a great Dad when he wanted to be but his drinking ruled his life and we came a very distant 4th or 5th to the grog, his mates, and anything else that came along. The day my daughters daycare teacher pulled me aside and said she had told them that Daddy threw a knife at Mummy in the kitchen was one of the most humiliating days of my life. Every significant moment- our daughters birth, birthdays, buying a house, christenings were all ruined by him drinking too much and changing into a person I didn't know. Even now when I look at photos from these occasions all I remember was how it ended. By the end it wasn't even the drinking- he could be sober and still be set off by the smallest thing. I went to his family once after he had smashed up my house and the question I was met with was 'what did you do to set him off'- my fault again. In no way am I saying I was perfect and yes I probably should have just walked away sometimes but honestly you should be able to say anything and not be met with abuse. So today, 7 years ago I woke up on the couch and my first thought was 'do I want to wake up when I am 50, still in this situation and knowing I had wasted my life. Do I want my kids to grow up in this situation thinking this is what love and relationships are?' No I didn't, so I got up, put my big girl pants on, got my kids ready for daycare and dropped them off. I was terrified but at the same time calm and sure. I came home, packed as much as I could and walked away. I went to an amazing friend who helped me sort as much as possible out, called my family and started to work out my new life. I left with $20 and a formula tin full of loose change. I was scared, terrified- any word you can put there but I knew what I was doing was right- right for me and right for my kids. With a lot of help from my amazing family and friends I found a home, moved what I was allowed to take out of my old home and my new life started. I grew strong in the outside but inside I crumbled. I struggled with the constant threats and abusive phone calls and texts but kept my address from him so knew we were safe. I was told that I would amount to nothing, that he would enjoy seeing me fail, that no man would ever love me and that I would be alone forever. Alone was better than what I had left- I was alone there anyway! None of it was easy- the past 7 years have been a long and scary roller coaster. Court, abusive texts and phonecalls, issues with his extended family and I still to this day physically shake at just the thought of him. But I survived! I stood tall, and can proudly say I got out!! I am blessed to say I met an amazing man who has shown me what true love is- that you can have an argument without it resorting to violence. My kids are growing up in a loving environment, full of laughter, sibling rivalry, tears and tantrums - just as kids should. So my message is- it is possible to leave- no one should ever have to live in a situation where they are humiliated, scared or physically hurt. Now looking back, it was physical, emotional, mental, financial and to a degree sexual. That is not love and no matter how many gifts they buy, no matter how many apologies are made- it is not right. It is against the law. Life is for living and it is never too late. Yes it is hard- especially when there are children involved but hard is better than fear- or death. My demons haunt me to this day but I survived, I got out, and I'm making a life for my kids that I could only have dreamt of. Just tell one family member or friend what is really happening. I would not be where I am today without the amazing love and support from some amazing friends and family. Time to bring this epidemic out into the open and stand up and say 'No More'. Man or woman it is never ok.