Hi ladies.
I'm 22 years old, and have a twin sister. She had a baby when she was 16, and during that time, she was being sexually assaulted by a person who was supposed to be looking after us. The baby is not his, however she does not know who the father is. Her son is 4 now, and due to the circumstances around his birth, my sister chose to give him to our mum, she now has full custody of him, and my sister sees him occasionally. I recently had a baby, who's now 6 months old. My baby, and my sisters boy have a very close relationship, and Mr 4 year old noticed that my baby has a dad, and started asking questions. He said to his mum, "mummy, do I have a dad?" in front of us all, and my sister didn't know what to tell him. I told her that she has to find out who the father is, there's 3 people who she thinks may be. My sister- psychologically, the sexual assault fucked with her, she's more immature than I think a 22 year old is, and finding out who her boys dad is, is not on her list of things to do. She's been avoiding it since the day he was born. I want to know if there's a way that I can get DNA samples from these guys and do it myself. It's so important for her boy, not to mention a guy who doesn't know he has a son out there..
3 Replies
I think this is risky... and in a way, not your place. You could of course just go and explain (cliff notes version) to all three potential guys and see if they would be willing to submit to a DNA test. However, do you know these guys? Are they decent people? Because you are potentially bringing this person into your nephew's (brother?) life that could do more harm than good right now. Is there a chance that they would want custody? because a father would have rights and possibly even more rights than a grandmother. Is there a chance that he/they already knew? I mean, a 16 yr old gets pregnant, has a baby and you know that you have had sex with her, chances are they have thought about it.
I fully agree that the boy has a right to know who his father is but what gives you the right to make this decision. He is not your son, you do not have custody of him. If you feel strongly, sit your mum and sister down and explain your thoughts to them privately but do not interfere in how they choose to parent their child.
This is extremely dangerous territory to be in and if I were you I definitely wouldn't consider trying to get these DNA tests yourself.
You clearly mean well, I understand wanting your nephew to know his father and his father to know about his son but it will throw up so many issues.
I would work on supporting your sister and your nephew through this for now. She will likely need extensive therapy to deal with everything she's been through and maybe once she's had some help to deal with everything she might be in the frame of mind to dig a bit deeper and figure out who the father is. Do a bit of research and find out how you and your mum can support her son also. There would be far more kids around these days who don't have fathers or know who they are and a lot more resources for them to get support around this.
Good luck!
Do Not Do Anything Until
You've talked to your mother in private. You have some idea about who these men are. You need to research these men thoroughly before approaching them. You need to know how old they were when they had sex with your sister (it's possible they also abused her, if they are older than her), you need to know what kind of lives they are living. You need to know if they are told about a possible child they won't screw up the child's life, make his life more difficult.
You need to speak to a child psychologist about the possibility of how this could damage or improve the child's life.
When you've done all of that then you can ask your mum and sister what they want to do.
It's all very well thinking poor child, no dad. But sometimes having a dad is worse and given your sisters history it's highly probable the dad isn't a good guy.