I've lost myself as an adult & I can't seem to find her.

Hi IM parents,

I feel like I have lost myself as an adult. Time is not my friend, and it goes so quick with children.

I had my child at a very young age. I managed to finish my schooling and got accepted into a good university. I should be proud of myself, but it's far from the truth.

Although I wish I had more time being a teenager and a adult, I do not regret having my child. But in the process of a very bad relationship, where I was constantly dictated, judged, abused, manipulated, I still rose to the top. University was out of the question, he wouldn't allow it, so I had to decline the offer ?.

A few years later I walked away from the relationship, with a young child in toe because I was tired of being abused by the one person who was meant to have my back. And I didn't want that life for my child, it wasnt safe and his behaviour was unpredictable. + I wanted to go to university and study my passion, better our lives.

Now. Over a decade and half later. After even more bad relationships and feel as though I'm still in one.

After many years contemplating university, this year I got in, studying something I've always had a passion for but never had the opportunity to do it. The problem is, my partner of 7 years doesn't support me (he says he does, but actions speak louder than words). He believes it's a waste of time and I should be focusing on my job. I don't doubt his beliefs, I do enjoy my job, but I have to go towards my passion & ive waited so long to be doing this.

I work FT and study PT, I never rely on him for my child, I do that all on my own.

Our relationship hasn't been solid, he cheated on me with someone I knew in the first year, carried on for three years 'off-and-on'. He made as though it was all in my head, I was paranoid etc. truth is, yes he cheated, but still to this day, denies he had 'intimacy' with her. Despite ecivdence, I should of walked away, looking back I was so naïve and stupidly in love.

5 years ago (every fortnight) I started putting money away for a deposit for a property. My partner has not contributed once, despite his "bills" are lower than mine. We do live together, but he contributes jack-all. Practically the bare minimum. And although we have only been living together a year and a half, I feel as though nothing will change and I will always get the raw end of the deal with him. The chores are left to me, he only does the dishes when I cook, and even then makes a big seen. I ask him to help out, nothing gets done. I don't wash his clothes. But when things aren't 'clean or a tad messy' he has an opinion about it.

My days are exhausting and despite finding reason with him, everything is left to me.

I also feel as though with all the added drama & stress, I'm falling out of love with him. In comparison to the relatiOnships I had prior he has not been physically abusve towards me, which is good, but I feel he is emotionally abusing and taking advantage of me.

Over the years, I've put on a little bit of weight, he makes rude remarks. Like for instance we're both getting into the whole fitness thing and the moment I feel a little good about myself, he says innaproproate things, and I feel he does them intentionally.

Another moment was last night, we were getting into the groove ? Looks up at me and says "geeze, girl you have massive bags under your eyes, looks like someone has beaten you up". Turn off. Get-off me, Goodbye.

I notice he says 'nice' things to me, when he wants something. I've clued on, and it gets me agitated and annoyed. Compliments are few and far between. I make allot of effort for him, compliment him, congratulate him and his achievements. Me, nothing.

But then over all of that. He is a excellent step father, loves my child as if it were his own, makes 100% effort and so on. And despite me not relying on him (my own issue) I know he would be there for my child.

I don't know what I'm asking, could possible be a vent. But I do know I have lost myself along the way and I can't seem to find her.

I always thought I'd be married by now, possible having more children. But that hasn't been the case, I'm heartbroken. My partner doesn't want to marry & kids aren't on the cards. + financially, we could never afford me not working.

I feel like I've been so selfish towards my child, whom might I add is an amazing one (completely being bias), I feel so privileged, such a happy child, polite and is a good person. But in saying all of that, the choices I've made has an affect. I feel as though I make bad choices, pick the wrong type of men.

In all honesty, after my first abusive relatiOnship, I much prefer being single. But here I am in a relationship where I know isn't going anywhere and he doesn't support my choices and values.

Please help me. I'm so lost and confused. I want to find myself again. I was a happy person, optimistic, grateful, caring and had a bubbly personality. The person I am now, is none of those, I'm angry, heartbroken, torn, negative, doesn't enjoy life and is plain miserable.

Hearing others perspectives on this would be great, please be kind, but honest.

TIA
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