3 years ago my husband was doing a treatment that had similar side effect to chemo. This treatment was 8 months long and involved a weekly self adminstered injection and 12 tablets a day. For 8 months. During this time he was studying at uni and would hide away in his office for most of the day, eat dinner then crash into bed barely able to speak to the kids and me so exhausted he was. If we did happen to communicate it was very angry. Very lonely time. During this time he was searching the internet for supplements to help with fatigue and side effects. He discovered some fairly harmless supplements and imported them. Then he built a website and starting selling these. His suppliers then offered him some pharmaceuticals like viagra and valium. So he bought and sold them. This then escalated to xanax and one special request for oxycodone (totally random). Anyway fast forward to august 2014 and we get a knock on the door and my 12 yo son answers the door at 7am to 9 law enforcement officers - federal, qld detectives, customs, dog squad - scary stuff. 8 hours later the entire office and house has been inventoried and he is charged and arrested for drug traffiking and released on bail. At this stage of the story i must tell you that i suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and depression. So this kind of sends me into a tailspin. So here we are today. He has a trial scheduled for sometime in the next 6 weeks. Drug traffiking can carry a custodial sentence regardless of whether it was 40 oxycodone tablets or 20 kilos of heroin. My problem that i need help with - please don't give me advice about the evils of drugs - i am very anti drugs - is how to cope with him going to jail. I break down crying every time i say the words. It's been a long 2 stressful years (with $70,000 spent so far) but now it could be a reality. My eldest child (14) knows it could happen and he very wisely said "mum you're not a lawyer and you can't change what he did so dont worry about it". But i do. I have daily anxiety. We have a 2 week ski holiday booked in japan over xmas and he wants us to still go - without him and take a friend instead. How can i leave the country with him incarcerated? How do i travel with the kids when i will be so sad? I have panic attacks in traffic jams driving the kids to school and waiting in supermarket queues, how will i be in tokyo??!! He wants us to still have a fun holiday - without him it won't be fun and he will have xmas day alone. How do I tell people? How will i tell his parents? How will i tell my 12 yo daughter? The truth of course but it is still a massive shock. I have read the book by a sydney mother and wife whose husband went to jail. It's not going to be easy. On us. On him. There is also the possibility that he may get a suspended sentence and a fine but i have a need to be prepared for any eventualities. I know he needs a punishment and have consequences for his action but this is so scary. Should we see a psychologist or counsellor before this all happens so we can have a strategy in place? Any mums out there who have had a similar situation? I shouldnt have to say this, but please don't be judgemental - i have lived with this for so long now and the judgement that i already put on him and myself are enough. Thank you.
6 Replies
I think you could benefit from reading and coping skills for anxiety.
You cant wallow or make your kids lives shit because hes not there. If you weren't there would you want that, foe their whole world to stop and cant go on, or wouldnt you hope they were being taught how to be resilient.
Having fun days and a holiday doesn't mean you love and miss him any less.
No advice, but just to let you know that I think you are amazing. Lots of love and strength xx
Yes definitely you should see a psychologist and counsellor. Of course getting some strategies in place for you and the kids is a good idea.
Now is the time to put your mental health as top priority and do everything you can to improve your wellness.
I don't know weather your husband knew he was committing a crime or was ignorant and didn't know, but if the latter the judge will take that into consideration.....he will still need a punishment as you said ?.
After the trial and it goes to sentancing and a pre sentence report is done (I suggest you also go with your husband when he is interviewed for the report if you can).
you need to write a letter to the judge outlining what you have told us, keep to the facts and try not to get to emotional (as hard as that must be?) the judge/magistrate needs to take into consideration your husbands responsibilities and the impact on his family it is important when it comes to sentancing etc. Also providing documentation of your anxiety etc can't hurt.
For the worst case at sentancing, go and see a councillor as soon as possible. It will almost feel like you are grieving for the life you had prior to this, you will go through some of the stages of grief. When those moments get difficult and you give in and cry etc....forgive yourself pick yourself up and get back into some sort of a routine. As for the holiday.....is it possible for you to get it refunded and maybe go somewhere nice within Australia, that way he can still contact you via phone on Christmas Day and you won't feel as far away and guilty (not that you should, but it sounds as though you feel guilty for having to live life)
Holidaying at xmas while he might be in jail It isn't ideal but neither is visiting a loved one in jail on xmas day. I think staying within Aust will relief a bit of anxiety for you.
I wish you all the best and wish I could help!
Telling family and friends is one of the hardest parts, I know this because my husband is currently serving time.
We have 4 children, 12, 8, 4 and 8 months. My best advice is to start mentally preparing yourself now, hope for the best but prepare for the worst because his sentence will depend mostly on the judge he has on the day.
If he is sent to jail, it will be super hard, it will take a massive financial and emotional toll on you and the kids but always make the kids the priority, not him. Prisons are quite intimidating to children so don't force the kids to visit if they aren't ready, I recommend having the first visit child-free, don't take the kids until you have contact visits.
You will be lonely, you will be angry and upset with him, you'll have days where you think you can't do it and panic and then you will have days where you are totally fine, ride the roller coaster though, it's all you can do really.
The first few weeks are the hardest, it doesn't get 'easier' you just learn to cope a bit better with time.
My husband has been away for 2 months and I'm only just now learning to cope.
Counselling can help, I personally haven't been to counselling, but it can't hurt, even if its just to let everything out, as for the Japan trip, you won't know how you'll feel about it until after he's been sentenced, I would feel it's too soon and too raw to be travelling without my husband, but keep in mind, most overseas travel will likely be without him if he's convicted as most countries won't allow a convicted 'drug trafficker' to enter their country so maybe it's not a bad idea to take the trip with a friend anyway, don't cross it off just yet.
You might not feel like it right now, but you will get through it and you will be ok. There is this beautiful thing called strength, we don't realise how much we have until we really need it.
Much love to you, your kids and your husband, I hope all goes well at the trial x
May 31st 2016, my life too turned upside down. I woke up to a loud knock on my door and was greeted by aprox 20 cops, customs, crimes squad, while my young children were sleeping. My husband had never done anything against the law, was never into drugs. I thought i had the perfect life until this day. We are currently going through the court proceedings so i don't have any advice about once they are inside.
I too suffer greatly from anxiety and depression. Meditation really helps me. Focusing on the time we have as a family before he goes away. Our kids are 6&8 and i have been completely honest with them. They understand that it doesn't make daddy a bad person, he just made a really big mistake. My husband could possibly get 14years. I am shit scared. I look at the positives, atleast he gets his second chance. I am so blessed to have my beautiful children and great family support. We have been judged.but they aren't true friends.
I will be putting my kids into counselling as sentencing is near and also for when he goes away.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong and stay happy. Count your blessings and look forward to the future. Seek help if you are struggling, you are going to need a good network of friends around you.
All the best x x