Hubby and I have been together for several years now. His daughter has been actively in lives for that whole time. We have her stay with us 7 nights in the fortnight. She is 3 now and was a newborn when her parents separated.
Almost since day one she has had this 'issue' with me. She barely acknowledges my existence when she comes over. If I ask her a question, she ignores me. If I say hi to her, she ignores me. If I get her in trouble, she runs straight to her dad. She literally looks at me with this 'death stare'. She is completely rude to me. Doesn't respect me at all.
Now before u all judge, I have never tried to be this girls mother. She has one of those who I respect. I do everything for this girl when she is here. I buy all her clothes, get her little surprises, try to play and interact with her, I have tried to do special things with just her. She won't have a bar of it. I know I'm the adult, but I'm at the point where I am ready to give up (maybe I already have). I am starting to resent this beautiful girl because she has no respect for me. She has immense attitude and it only gets dealt with occasionally from her dad.
The arrangement has been the same since day one, so it is not as if she is coming to terms with everything. She is sweet as pie to her dad and rarely gives him half the amount of attitude she gives me.
Hubby turns a blind eye. He is in denial. When she's not with us and we talk about a plan to help this situation, he is 100% on board. As soon as she comes over, those plans r out the window and he gets very defensive. He does say 'go and say hi to ...'. But she ignores him to. He doesn't persist.
What do I do? Will it get better? Do I need to get mean with hubby and tell him that I think his daughter is a rude girl who needs to be told her behaviour is unacceptable? Do I tell him it's starting to affect how I feel about her?
The night before she comes, I can feel my mood changing. Help!
Please, if u have nothing nice to say...keep scrolling.
20 Replies
Could her actual mother have anything to do with the way she acts?
She may see you that you are the other woman with daddy and she doesn't like it.
Your hubby is in denial as he only has her 50% of the time and I'm assuming that like all daddy's they want their little girls to be happy.
Maybe you need a behavior chart or simply have your husband dig to what's going on with her.
Hubby doesn't think her mum would be saying anything. He thinks she would support the relationship. I think otherwise. I think that her mum would make sneaky little comments about our situation and how 'daddy left mummy for ....'. This is a guess but I could almost guarantee it.
Personally at three i would leave her to spend time with her dad. Shes too young to force behaviour expectations on i would think its normal to only look to her parents.
Thanks for ur advice. I have suggested to hubby that he spend time with his her on his own. He doesn't want that. He wants us to be a family. And on the other hand, I don't really want to up and leave every time she comes over. U know? ?
Yes i didnt mean for you to leave. But for you to be another person there while he is the parent and the person responsible for her. Just like on a playdate with a parent and little one.
I agree with the above.... she is 3 this would be normal behavior when she is focusing on mummy and daddy... you need to let it go let her be 3 and pull her up if it's blatantly rude or have her farther do it.
Honestly, I'd be using this as my opportunity to see how Dad parents and deciding if you would want to have kids with this guy. How he parents his daughter is how he is probably going to parent any future kids. Watch carefully. If he lets his daughter walk all over him and gets away with murder then......
I'd be leaving him and his daughter to it mostly. Stop buying her clothes, stop buying stuff. That's what dad should be doing. Dad should be making her snacks and her meals etc and doing the bulk of the caring. No he shouldn't be forcing her to say hello, as that will just make her resent you more. BUT he should be disciplining her if she is naughty etc. What is concerning is that you aren't on the same page about what should happen as far as follow through and that speaks volumes about the future of the relationship.
I would definitely be evaluating if this is an environment I want to live in.
We have had many conversations about this. He says that with our child he probably would be different because our child would be there all the time. He has said that he feels guilty about always being on her case when she is with us. He just told me now that I'm the one with the problem and I need to find a way to accept the situation.
If he is different your kids will grow up to resent there step sibling who gets away with murder!
I wrote a post on here last night about this. This morning I woke and read the comments and one person basically said I had no right to be upset about something a child said and I was a negative person and should leave my partner.
According to this person all single mothers are happy. BS they are! The shit I've had to put up with tells me otherwise. None of which was included in the post I wrote but it's beside the point.
I deleted my post.
This article is useful.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/the-real-reason-...
Sorry that happened to u. I've written a few posts on here and have had some very awful comments.
Is ur situation similar? If u feel comfortable giving ur name, I can PM u and try and help.
I've written a few posts on here with awful comments but they don't know the whole story so as much as it's upsetting I remind myself about that ?
I read your post last night and I think I was the first commenter, I didn't see the other comments but I don't know how anyone could have made negative comments, your situation was so sad. I wish you didn't take it down, stuff them, don't let their lack of empathy Bring you down xxx
I remember your comment and it was lovely. Thank you.
I mostly wrote it because I wanted other step mothers to know just how hard it is, they're not alone in feeling that way and it's not their fault. There might not be anything they can ever do to change the situation. Knowledge is power so they say...
Thank you for reading it (it was very long) and taking the time to comment.
I deleted it because it was upsetting for someone to tell me I had no right to be upset. What the actual fuck? That pissed me off. I think if you don't have any experience in the matter or you don't have anything encouraging to offer then keep scrolling. The person who wrote the post didn't offer any experience with the issue whereas you did (having a son with a step mother).
Anyway.
I feel like I've come to a point of acceptance and I'm happy ?
Most likely mum is saying some snide remark here or there. Kids pick up on any anger or resentment even without saying anything.
I'm afraid your hubby is right though. You're going to have to accept it. Don't get into a power struggle with her. It won't end well.
Besides she's only three. She's probably a little bitch to her own mother!
Step mothers have the hardest job out there. Seriously. Right from the get go. Don't expect a perfect Brady bunch family because it's just not going to happen. I just had dinner with my step kids here and one of them pointed out the 'siblings' were special (he's 12). Awkward! Everyone else (my partner and my kids) at the table went into stunned silence... we were looking at each other like 'did he just say that?'
It happens all the time. My partner is the same as yours. Has guilt about not being in their lives so is a bit slack with the parenting.
I have been where you are feeling anxious before the kids come. It gets easier. Not sure if it's just because I'm used to it?
But yea. You just have to suck it up.
She's 3. They don't know how to show respect they learn it and are taught it. They learn by watching their environment and the people in it. My 3.5 yr old daughter loves everyone, because that's all she's been shown. Her father and I separated when she was 7monthd old. In the time we've been split I've had to teach my oldest child about respect etc. because all he was used to was yelling and lots of it. The way you and your partner treat each other will rub off on your step daughter, the way her mother acts and behaves will also rub off on her. In saying this if you keep letting her treat you this way it's only going to get worse as she gets older. If she's 3 years old time out, telling her off etc work. Let her cry, let her scream at you and once she's calmed down you can talk to her in a way that she understands. I wouldn't take rude behaviour from any child not even my child with autism. But please allow for age appropriate behaviours, I hope you are not expecting too much from her. Also please be aware that when they (kids) are tired they are more testing and rude and disrespectful. A lot of what I read really does sound like age appropriate behaviours for a 3 year old.
Also kids can pick up on Adult moods, maybe she feels the resentment coming from you, maybe she always has. I don't know your whole story but if her attitude is like that towards you, no matter how hard you've tried to hide your anger and resentment she will still pick up on it. My kids have a step dad, they all adore him he gets down to their level and does things with them that they're interested in. Wouldn't/couldn't expect any more or any less from him or them. My 9 year old has had one incident where he's been rude to my partner and I pulled him up on it straight away. My 3 year old however, has had a few more incidences which I deal with straight away. I'll expect more as she gets older. But until then and while she's still learning how to be her own person I can't punish her for how she feels. Just like you cannot punish her for having a little resentment towards you.
3yr olds are tricky! Mine went through a "daddy" stage where they thought he was the best thing ever ☺️ and being a step mum makes it abit trickier. Maybe take a step back and see how dad steps up and looks after his daughter, still be there to meet her needs but let her just "be"
When things are feeling calm sit down and do a craft or play play dough alone- Crazy I know but if she sees you doing fun activities without trying to coax her she may come join in, in her own time.
From a mother who's childrens step mum doesn't want anything to do with them since having her own child, who won't even acknowledge me, I think it's awsome your trying and keen to make a healthy relationship. ☺️
I'm gonna go with, she's 3. My daughter is almost 3. They push boundaries, see what they can get away with, are learning all sorts of emotions, how people react to certain things. Some nights our daughter doesn't say hi to her dad (we are married, never been apart) but she does it to get a reaction. I really believe it's just an age thing. I wouldn't blame the mum unless miss 3 is saying things that a 3year old shouldn't be saying. Good luck! :)
Well shes known you forever and if your caring and loving towards her, I would put some of it down to her age, but dad needs to tell her she cant behave like that. 3 year olds have amazing attitude. My niece was a three-nager!!! I looked after her a few days a week so her mum could work and she would often walk through my front door and not say two words to me until she felt like it.
And she would often be like what you have described to her own mother and be a sweet little angel for her dad.
If dad wants you guys to spend time together as a family, then he needs to tell her off for rude behavior. She is not too young to learn right from wrong and whats rude. If you do something nice she needs to learn to say thank you. And if she gives death stares she needs to be told off. There is no need for it. Its just bratty behavior. Is she spoilt rotten?
Her mum is probab totally innocent because a three year old would be 80% likely repeat anything shit she says.
She is probably a total little stinker for her mum too!