I'm really reluctantly posting this and nervous about the responses I may get.
Please don't say anything nasty about my partner, he really is lovely but has some flaws.
My relationship feels like it's on a downward slope. My partner (the father of my child), and I don't spend any romantic time together, we don't hug or kiss or make love. And it's my fault. I'm the distant one.
I'm distant because I can't stand his bad hygiene.
My partner is very sensitive and takes offense very easily, so I don't know how to bring it up.
He's never been the most hygienic, but it's gotten so bad that I can't stand to be affectionate with him.
He doesn't use soap or body wash when he showers, he always smells of sweat and shit. He hasn't brushed his teeth in over 2 months and only does very reluctantly when I ask him to/ remind him. And takes great offence to my asking. Even though I'm very passive and ask in a very non confrontational way.
His breath is often so bad in the mornings that he will make the whole bedroom stink. After he uses the bathroom he will return smelling of shit as if he hasn't even wiped and every pair of underwear has skid marks in it.
He refuses to buy new clothes even though I offer to help him pick some out or buy them for him. All of his shirts are faded and ripped and covered in holes and stains.
His hair is really long and knotted up. He never brushes it or washes it. His scalp looks like really bad cradle cap it's that dry.
Under his feet are black. He doesn't wash them and goes bare foot everywhere.
I'm at a loss. I'm finding myself losing attraction for him. I want to be intimate with him but I just can't knowing he's so unclean. I've asked if he's depressed or upset or going through anything. He says no. And he's always very chipper and upbeat and usually talks to me if he is unhappy. He's always been slightly rough but it's getting worse. Like he's becoming more and more secure in our relationship and himself that he doesn't even try anymore.
His mother is the same, just not as bad. Being in a car with the both of them with the windows up is a gag fest.
I feel so awful as I type this out. But this has been going on for months. We haven't even kissed on weeks and haven't had sex in almost a year. Please help. Please don't being rude or nasty, I already know how awful I sound. I just need to fix my relationship because I really do love him and I don't want things to get worse and I don't want my young child growing up thinking this is normal and picking up his bad habits.
How can I tell him his hygiene is a problem in a not so awful way?
10 Replies
You need to write this to him in a letter, he deserves to know the truth so he can fix it. If he doesn't choose to fix it, that's on him.
You could even print this out. Because what you've written is actually very compassionate.
You could also help him get into a routine with his hygiene habits. Choose the ones that are important (I'd probably ignore the feet). Set a reminder on his phone for teeth brushing etc.
I don't think you sound awful at all, you love your husband & want too be intimate with him but nobody could disagree with the reasons your unable too! Could you try maybe suggesting a relaxing/sensual bath or shower together? Soaping each other up & washing one another's hair? Then afterwards express your enthusiasm & show him/tell him how much you enjoy the feel & smell of his body after bathing together. Or even maybe a day spa or something where they give you manicures/pedis & massages then you have a long soak in a bath? After being rejuvenated he might realise how yuk his been feeling. Hope you find a solution! Xx
Btw I know this isn't a daily thing but could be a start in the right direction
first things first you need to stop being passive about it. He needs to know how you feel. It might upset him from embarrassment but otherwise you're going to end up breaking up.
If you really don't want to do that I would Shower with him, and make it sexual while you scrub him down. First ask him to clean you really flirty then afterwards clean him so you don't look like you just want to clean him. Once he's clean say something to him about how sexy he is when he's smelling so fresh etc. and then have sex with him. Keep doing this once a week maybe to start with so he realises "hey when I'm clean I get sex". If he doesn't get it after s few months, sorry but you're in trouble.
I feel bad for you because if his mother is like this, he probably legitimately thinks you're the weird one for being so clean.
Perfect !! Definitely use sexy and intamacy as the reward !! Make it about what your relationship is missing !! Surely he will get the message pretty quick ! ;)
I think someone asked on Facebook does he have sensory issues ?? Or mild autism or something alike ? Sometimes these issues can cause people to not like the smell of soap or taste of toothpaste but there are ways around that too .. the not wiping properly on the toilet thing could also be a part of that but not sure how to manage that on an adult :-/
try getting a very low scented soap though or even soap free wash so it doesn't dry his skin out ? Then do as other have suggested tell him your really wanting to have sex and playfully suggest you have a shower together first ... ask him to soap you up and be flirty about it and then turn it on him and soap him up and make it sexual , play with him because the soap makes it slippery ;)
There really is something about washing each other ! Hopefully it helps him enjoy it ? :)
Good luck mumma! This is a tough one ! But something that the majority would not cope well with :-/
Bite the bullet and be blunt. Tell him straight up he is living like a polecat and his relationship with you is suffering for it. He might be embarrassed but to be honest, homelessness or mental illness aside, so he should be. There is no excuse for not being hygienic and respectful when everything he needs to do so is provided. And he needs to be setting an example for your child as well.
That doesn't sound right to me at all. I don't think it is about being comfortable. There is something wrong for him to actually not want to take care of and keep his body clean. Can't he smell himself? Just ask him outright why he doesn't clean his body properly and why he thinks it's not important. He might just have to get offended. He needs to know that it's not healthy.
How is his mental health? A lot of this behaviour is raising flags with depression.
That's such a hard position to be in. It sounds like you've been really sensitive to his emotions on this but that it's getting even harder for you.
Could you raise it with him about concern for his health and how this would effect you and child if he were to become unwell? Or even your health if he wants sex.
Also raise with him how it makes you feel As well as how the effects of not taking care of himself can make him feel. Additionally neglecting personal hygiene and appearance can be a sign of depression and it may be worth asking him how he's feeling