My husband and I have been married over 14 years now and have well and truly had our ups and downs. But our marriage has always suffered as a result of his alcoholism and his apathy in trying to contribute to his personal relationships (ours and others). Even our kids have to work really hard to get their Dad's attention. This really makes me hurt and frustrated for them.
To add to this mixture, he was diagnosed with depression about 8 years ago which has been steadily getting worse over the years; especially during his periods of sobriety. It's like he becomes angry and resentful when he's not drinking. Like he has had to sacrifice something really important to him for me and the kids.
I have suffered with depression since my mother died in 2012 but have always had to remain strong and push my own trauma down for my husband through his personal ups and downs.
On Monday, we were having a small disagreement over something petty and his just blurted out that "he's done with marriage." He said that he's tired of having to not drink and having so much responsibility in his life. I was many things. Shocked, hurt, angry and confused to name a few. By dinner time he was saying that he didn't mean it and that he feels like he's having a breakdown. He says that things will change but I just hear the same thing year after year. I feel as if I've lost track of who I am now. I'm just numb with very little hopes and dreams for myself as my life has just been consumed by his. How much is too much? I was always taught that marriage is for life through the ups and downs, but I really feel like its just a one way street for us. I hate the idea of separation, but I feel like if something doesn't give way soon, I will not be able to give the best of myself to my children anymore.
I'm just so confused :-(
How long should I persevere?
Thursday, 20 October 2016 - 18:15
How long should I persevere?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
3 Replies
Here are the rules I set myself when in a similar position.
I will stay, while he is genuinely working on his issues. By that I mean specific things
1. Regularly attending his appointments with GP, mental health professionals and drug and alcohol counsellors.
2. taking on board what the professionals say and acting on that, making homework etc utilising coping mechanisms taught.
My other rule is
My kid needs one healthy, responsible sane parent. Can I continue to be that person while I stay with him?
Going through this myself. I'm leaving Thursday. Don't know if I'm doing the right thing but I guess time will tell something has to give and it's time for me to be the stronger one for the kids. They deserve a better life not the one I've allowed them to have as I've been hanging in there waiting for change as I've been too scared do it solo.
He shocked me recently by telling me he's been done for months basically and would have moved out already if he had the money. Didn't stop him sleeping with me and of course now I'm expecting. So life's just peachy.
Professional help ! If he is serious about things changing and if your willing to give it a last chance then engage in some serious professional marriage counseling. Doing this will help you decide which road you want to take. If he's not willing to try that and take it seriously and attend appts with you then I'm sorry but you need to weigh up your options and make a hard decision . Xo