My son is getting old enough and is asking questions about why his bio Father isn't around, which I answer honestly yet appropriately for his age with no bashing etc. I am having a problem with the grandparent though.
As a background, the bio has never been around. His choice, not so much as a birthday card. My husband has stepped up and raises him as his own. We've accepted that no matter what we do bio will not be involved.
His mother has an on and off relationship with our son, and every single time she speaks to him on the phone says "such and such says hello" and brings bio into the conversation. When child visits her, she takes him to see him. It's forced on bios part. Every conversation with me is how child is like bio etc. I have asked her to keep her relationship with her grandchild just that, between them. (Edited to add it's a once a year visit at the moment, and most interactions are Skype)
I guess I'm asking how do I approach her and tell her to stop bringing him up to my child. It's clear bio wants nothing to do with him and I'm getting questions more often from my child like "well why doesn't HE ring me or come see me". It's almost like rubbing salt in the wound.
And on my own level it annoys and upsets me. He chose drugs over his child. Avoids work or works cash so he doesn't pay child support. I've given every opportunity for involvement, he's declined and she just keeps trying to force it. I don't want to hear about how great he's doing, when he left me so high and dry. I want what is best for my child, and so does my husband. But this constant reminder that he exists but chooses not to be apart of my son's life unless forced to be is going to become more and more apparent to my child and I can see its already leading to upset.
6 Replies
Don't let your son go see her, make her come to you. Make sure contact is in a situation where you have full control and can end it at anytime.
Lay out the rules and stick to them. If she doesn't play by your rules end the visit immediately. She will soon get the point.
Stop him from going to her house. Tell her she can come and visit at your place but that she isn't allowed to talk about his bio father. If she can't follow your wishes then she can't see her grandson. Her son did the wrong thing and she needs to accept it
I edited to add that visits are about once a year at the moment. Mainly communication is by Skype and phone. I have asked her before not to bring him up, but she just doesn't listen. I'm not a confronting person and I just don't know how to tell her so she gets it.
Hang up whenever she does it. You shouldn't be worried about confronting her- you should be worried about the damage she is doing to your son. The fact is his bio dad is not interested, no need to rub it in his face! She either behaves or she has no contact. You are choosing to have her in yours and your sons life- she is the one with the most to lose if she doesn't play by the boundaries you set. Make the boundaries clear. It doesn't have to be in a confronting manner but a clear and stern manner so she knows you're serious. And make sure you follow through!
Agree 100% if she keeps crossing the line I wouldn't even answer the calls anymore
I would remind her clearly the boundaries and expectations and the reason why, say its advised by gp or something if you feel the need to enforce youre serious about her not doing this and then when she does it cut contact. No visits or hang up the skype.
I did this with my mother. Who still messages me abusing and blaming me and saying what is she supposed to do. Just confirms she was never going to stop. Doesnt believe she should.