Hi there IM's community. My ex-husband was recently in a serious road accident that has left him incapable of looking after our kids(10,7,4) and driving for the next 4-6 months. The kids have a great relationship with their dad and we are also past the toxic stage. My questions are; how have others handled this situation? I'm currently taking the kids to his house for a period of time (1-2hrs) just so the kids can see him. I'm just not sure/confused on how this is to all work. I'm confused by my role in all this. Do we make set times for the kids to visit? Do I wait for the kids to ask? Or do I just keep it at whenever he asks and if I can make it work then great and if not too bad?? My partner/family are concerned that I'm already giving too much and will end up feeling used. How does it all work with child support? Do they need to know? We've gone from a 60/40 share to me 100%. He has no family support or partner so is relying on close friends for any help. I'd just love to hear from anyone that's been in a similar situation. TIA.
5 Replies
Oh no. Yes inform centrelink as you are carrying full time load you receive more.
As for visits. Its tough. He cant expect you to drive and visit thats his job to arrange.
Its nice youre helping him when he needs it i would hope my ex would do the same for me. just don't forget that -youre helping. If youre doing too much or its impacting you too much, let him know you cant.
Definitely let Centrelink know. I'd try and keep some kind of routine. Because I'm the kind of person who likes to know what's happening ahead of time. So maybe when you do the next visit, schedule the next one in a time that suits you both. I think 1-2 hours a few times a week is good, let's face it most of us spend more time doing sports/extracurricular activities. Be ready to increase time as he improves.
Just because he can't drive doesn't mean he isn't capable of spending time with his kids for a weekend on his own. There are plenty of at home entertainments he can do with them.
A friend of mine who had a stroke earlier in the year has young children and although he can't yet drive still had weekends with his kids. He walks with a walking stick and his speech is slurred but it's safe and he parents very well. If they want to go to a movie or outing he organises a taxi.
I think you really need to think about if roles were reversed. He's all alone with nobody who really loves him anymore. Think about if you had no partner or family and you had an accident. Then he just kept the kids and barely brought them over. My heart breaks for him to be honest. I don't know what kind of man he is though.
In my opinion you need to forget this man is your ex husband and do whatever you can to make sure your kids keep seeing him. It's only 4-6 months. If you have to go there a few times a week for that time I think you need to. Think about your kids remembering you doing that for them and their father. Try to be selfless it's not a forever thing and remember you did once love this man.
I don't think it's a big deal to drop and pick up kids, I did it with my ex because of a reason that was his fault! Also, you can inform CS of the extra care, but if he is not working now you're not going to get much anyway, I think the minimum is $30 a month. I like routines, I would just have a couple of set times a week that you drop them off for a couple of hours (if that's what he wants and can handle), whatever works for both of you. I'm not sure how you are being used by dropping you kids off to see their father and picking them up?
I don't know what kind of arrangements days etc. . .but 60/40 mean he must have had them a fair bit before the accident, but I'd have set times, it's not your job to run around after your ex, but at the same time he does have the right to see/talk to his kids. I don't know how far away you live from each other, or if he has family close by for support, but if so rope them in to help, this isn't all on you to make sure they all see each other. What ever you can work out keep it consistent, include phone calls or Skype, as an option for their contact, (you could be at home cooking dinner while they talk/Skype) don't totally inconvenience yourself! I fell into that trap when my ex was in A car accident he was fine his car was a right off, he had family in the same town x3 family members that finished work between lunch time and half 2, and 1 that didn't work, who all refused to pick our son up on my exes days, I would have to leave work and go pick our son up and drop him off at his dad's ( I had no family in the same country as me at the time), almost lost my job over it, as it went on for 3 days a week for 5 months, only to find that another family member had lent my ex a car as they had just got a new one and hadn't yet sold their old one, and he was parking it round the corner from where he lived so I would find out he had a car, just to be spiteful! Make it work for you!!!