My husband works night shift. I feel very alone. He works 6 nights a week, wakes in the afternoon, sits on his phone doing facebook admin, then goes to work. We have no weekends together really. No daddy time doing anything with the kids. I do all the activities, the classes, the house. I work part time but those afternoons when he has to pick up the kids are just him being tired and complaining. I feel like I haven't had any support or help in raising the kids for 7 years. He feels like I'm a nasty person. I lose it and yell. I lose it after hours of child breakdowns and yell that I hate his job. He makes good money, but a huge amount goes to child support, so if he changed to day shift or stopped extra shifts we wouldn't pay able to make it through.
I don't really have a question I wonder if other mums feels this way with shift workers. I do appreciate how hard he works " for us", but I feel so bloody tired. Also as soon as I say anything about anything he swears at me. Calls me awful things, so much swearing which could be part of his council worker mentality . It's mire frustrating because he's smart, but he talks so awful.
I'm just looking for support. Any bother night shift mums?
Night shift husband- feel like its all on me.
Night shift husband- feel like its all on me.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids
9 Replies
So he is verbally abusing you?
Could he maybe have depression, maybe you both have depression? I look at things both ways. Are you and your husband able to do some sort of marriage counselling? If not have you written him a letter, no blaming him, no abusing him. Just a plain old letter that talks about how you feel. You can't blame him for needing to pay child support or how much he has to pay that's not set by him. You can't blame him for needing to work long late hours. No one is at fault for that. He had a previous life that didn't work out. He possibly blames himself enough because you have to deal with his past whilst being his future. Remember child support is only supposed to go until your 18 as far as I know. Your life isn't always going to be this shirt it will get better. Before you throw it all away. It's hard right now things do get easier, once your kids are older and in school full time, maybe you could work full time. I totally get what your saying but if your communication is off and your life is super busy its always worth trying to see what can be done to fix it before you leave it.
I had the same thing and i was miserable. I blamed the night shift and tiredness but turns out he was just an asshole. Two years later, same situation again but different attitude and guess what - it was very different. He can be up for part of the day. He can be up on his day off. He can make breakfast/dinner. He can be good company and someone to check in with and catch up and share adulting with.
Being tired and stressed from work is not an excuse for being an ass constantly.
My dad worked night shift and a second job most of my childhood. My mum never once complained about doing all the housework and child rearing, she also worked part time. He was an awesome dad when he was around and never swore at my mother and she saw him as a great provider for our family. Maybe if he was a better person you would feel happier fulfilling your responsibilities? Maybe as another commenter said, he's just an asshole?
Why does everyone just jump to depression? People need to stop diagnosing everything it's not always depression I could be that's how he copes.
I work full time really long hours 75 a week most of the time and have a special forces husband who is never around he is around randomly a day here and there usually flying at night and deploys ever year for 4 months on rotation. I feel your pain sweets it's honestly really hard to juggle everything. I feel like a single mother a lot.
When my hubby is home I ensure he is spending quality time with our daughter and he gives me a brake to sleep but I could be waiting months on end to get that. My hubby never snaps but taking away that time he gets with us takes a huge toll on him and our relationship but I see this as he misses us and can't do a thing about it.
Do you have a support network? Are you able to get a nanny for a few hours to catch up on stuff or do something for yourself? Can you talk to him and explain your exhausted and need a brake? If there someone you can reach out and just vent to?
In NO WAY is abuse ok ever. You need to talk this through just you and him level headed. Explain how you feel and see how he is feeling. Does he feel helpless, tiered, missing out on everything?
Great reply !! This is also what I wanted to say
Rotating shifts and night shift nearly ruined our marriage. It's horrible. Some people deal with it. But you both arent. So find a way to make the money he earns on days work. It's the only way you'll get help around the house and not feel lonely . He'll be happier and so will you. That's the short of it. We did. Life is soooooooo much better now.
Some people /couples work well with shift work and some don't . Sometimes it's great for a period of time and then something needs to change for a while .
My hubby did a few years of night shift and it nearly ruined us . In the end we decided to sacrifice the $ and choose us - our family . It took some adjusting and a period of rocky financial status but we got through and he found another well paying job that was not night shift . It is possible and it can be done .
With the snapping and the being at eachother it really sounds like your both not in a happy place ... you both need a break and you both need a change of attitude . Something has to give . It seems like your at a 'danger point in your relationship . You need to point it out to him , tell him you need something to change as your not coping .
Ps I haven't dealt directly with child support but if it's through the child support agency doesn't the amount adjust according to the amount you earn ? If he was to change jobs surely the amount would change too ? Just saying it might not be as bleak as you imagine ?
In the exact same boat but it just started :( I'm hoping it doesn't get that bad