Hi Mums,
A question about sharing parenting time. Quick scenario. History of DV to me, ex is not very emotionally responsive but still an ok dad. Ex's stepdad physically assaulted him as a child and often cared for the kids. Kids are 3 and 8. He lives 50km away and works 90km away from where I live with the kids. I work school hours. He leaves at 6:30 am and is usually finished by 4/5pm. His mum cares for the kids when he goes to work in the morning and she drives our 8 year old to school up here and back (100km per day, 2 days per week). She has the 3 year old on one of those days, the other day he goes to daycare in his town. He goes to daycare 3 days a week in my town. The kids are often dropped off with grandparents so he can go to the gym, dates and work call outs. The 3 year old has often had massive tantrums and lashed out physically at his grandmother, biting and kicking. Our maternal and child health nurse thinks it may be because he feels grandma is taking him away from dad. However, the kids are usually quite happy to go to both dad and me. I've had one steady partner for two years who I don't live with. ex has had one gf who moved in after 6 months and then moved out again which upset our 8 year old. Less than two months later the kids see him with another woman in his bed without even being introduced.
Now what I'm getting at, ex wants 6 nights care a fortnight (Wed,thurs one week, wed to sun next week). I'm not sure if this is really suitable for the children due to the travel and the other issues.
Does anybody have anything that sounds easier on the kids? Please no attacks, im trying to be fair on the kids. We've also had two rounds of mediation with no agreement reached.
Scheduling shared parenting
Scheduling shared parenting
Posted in:
Kids
4 Replies
The drive to school is big, but that aside theres nothing wrong with him asking grandma for help and time with them.
Everybody has to work that shouldn't affect whether he can have them. Since you work school hours i would offer him fri sat sun every week, so the commute to school is only fri pm and mon am. Perhaps less for the little one.
I'm not the poster, but I just want to clarify what you are saying. Do you think she should never get any weekend time with her 8 year old? I'm a single mum and I would hate that arrangement, working all week and never getting any weekend time with the kids.
Well give him the wed and thurs that hes asking for. She didn't want to do that. Especially in summer she has from 3 - 8 with the 8 yr old every day.
Hopefully theres room to work together and dad would be happy to let her have a weekend day with the 8 yr old when they want it.
Im also a single mum and to me this offers the best routine for the kids.
Just based on what you've said, it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the kids. I think him leaving them with Nan so he can work/gym etc. is a non-issue. Heaps of parents do that - as a single mum, I do that, or I would never leave the house! The girlfriend thing I understand is frustrating. My ex also seems to have no idea how confusing it can be for the kids. However, its not something you will ever have control over, so you would be better off making your peace with that now.
The most pressing issue appears to be that the 3 year old especially is not coping with so many changes. 2 different day care centres, shifting between houses so often he probably doesn't know where he is. Shared parenting can work, but really only if parents live close and communicate well. It is a big drive and as the kids get older and start doing their own thing (friends, after school activities etc) it will only get more onerous. You don't want them getting sick of the travel to the extent that they don't want to go at all. Perhaps suggest a Wednesday-Monday (5 nights). Its only one night less than he wants and it will give the kids one stable base and help get them into a routine. They will have certainty over where they are supposed to be and when which might help them settle down so they can cope with other stuff.