I've been with my husband for 16 years, married for 14, 5 kids together, 12, 10, 7, 4, 18 months. He drives me mental, but I love him with all of my heart, he still gives me butterflies after all of this time.
Recently, we went to a wedding, we had a hotel room for the night, first night without any kids in 10 years. And it was amazing. We were intimate with each other, I'm talking that really deep kind of connecting intimate, were you just can't get enough of each other. I have seriously thought about that night almost every day since it happened.
Then I found out I was pregnant. We've always been so careful. All our kids were planned, none were accidents, in 16 years I've only ever gotten pregnant when I wanted too. But it was just so, I don't know, intense, we just got so caught up...
I was so upset. I really don't have the mental or emotional capacity to cope with another pregnancy, and more sleep deprivation. I've suffered PND after my last 3 children, and my anxiety has worsened dramatically each time. I've finally just gotten to a good place after the birth of our 5th child.
I suspected I was pregnant within the week. My boobs got tender almost straight away. And a week later the faint line showed up on the test.
I had the pregnancy terminated. And I didn't tell my husband. I didn't tell him because he would of been over the moon with me being pregnant and us having another child. I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to talk me out of a decision I'd already made. I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to hate me or to be disappointed in my decision.
This sounds so selfish when I write it out, but I beg you to understand the impact PND and anxiety can have on a person. I don't like being that person.
I have so much guilt, not just over not telling my husband, but over the baby. Isn't that where babies should come from? Two people who love each other, who have a deep intimate respect for each other? I feel guilty over the fact in that brief moment of selfishness, when he started to pull away, to get the protection, I pulled him back and assured him it would be ok (I don't use hormone based contraception because I've found it to exacerbate my anxiety and depression).That moment runs through my head all the time. I silently yell at myself. I'm 34 years old. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER.
I've tangled myself up into a web, and I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to make this all better.
How do I make this all better?
How do I make this all better?
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health
5 Replies
I don't think you did anything selfish at all. You took into account what your family could cope with when you had a termination. You did the selfless thing in my eyes. You can't tell me that you were not worried about how your family would cope with baby number 6 and if you had PND.
Of course it wasn't selfish. It wasn't selfish to try and spare your husband.
You did nothing wrong, you did what you thought was the best thing for yourself and your family. There is nothing selfish in that.
Do you have a psychologist or counsellor that helped you through the PND? If you do maybe you could make an appointment. Have a good chat and cry, and discuss what to do next. If you don't it's a good idea to ask your GP for a referral. Otherwise did the place you had the termination offer any counselling services?
Sounds like youve done everything right. Theres no reason for it to be eating you up, but if only mental issues were logical! I think you should go to see a counsellor i think you will be thinking more positively and handling this situation so much better with just a little bit of professional guidance.
oh mumma thats so hard :( it sounds like you made the right decision however maybe its the guilt of not telling your husband that is eating you up?
i agree with the others talk with a counsellor, grieve, cry, chat it out.... maybe think again about whether you need to tell your hubby? is it that its a secret your keeping from him? is it that you think you know how he will react? or are u just scared of how he might react?
even if it was the right thing to do a termination is an emotional thing to do, you need someone to love you and support you and who better to do that then your hubby?? OR do you have a bestie you can confide in? or your parents? or someone you can cry with??? big virtual hugs xo
I was sort of in a situation not long ago. I have 4 kids 9,7,3 and 6 months. All planned.. The first time we slept together after the last baby I fell pregnant. I was also suffering pnd. I got shit from people about getting pregnant so quick some even said to get rid of it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My husband saw how upset and stressed out I was he even said have an abortion if that's what I want. He wanted the baby but wanted to support what ever I wanted. After a month I got my pnd and anxiety under control and started getting happy about having another baby. Sadly I had a missed miscarriage two weeks ago at 12w. Now I really want another baby. I think you need to talk to your husband and as much as I think that you should of discussed it with him before the termination it's done now and you can't take it back. Explain all your reason to him of why you did it and didn't tell him. Hopefully he will understand and you can get passed this. It will help if you are able to discuss your feelings with him.
You did the best thing for you!
I'm sorry you feel so guilty for not consulting your partner, it's a hard situation when they want you to keep it but you can't for health reasons.
Maybe you should consider getting yourself some counselling. Visit your GP and ask for a mental health plan and a referral to a good psychologist.
Perhaps after some counselling you can invite your partner and confide in him with the counsellor there to help explain your feelings and support the both of you. Sometimes it's helpful to have a professional there to validate feelings.